


Semi-Automatic

by fairlyfloral



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Past Near Death Experience, It's not as sad as it seems, M/M, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Secrets, Slow Burn, lots of fluff, more emotional than sad, not a song fic, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2018-10-09 20:54:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 73,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10421559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fairlyfloral/pseuds/fairlyfloral
Summary: Tyler's past is a story which nobody is brave enough to bring up, even himself. But after days that later become months and years of silence, everything seems to change since the middle of one night, when he meets somebody who catches his attention inside a lit up garage in an unknown neighbourhood, and when he decides to visit it every following night.





	1. the beginning

**Author's Note:**

> one book and my last summer experience made me write this.
> 
> based on _the sea of tranquility_ by k. millay
> 
> little warning: english isn't my first language, i'm not english speaking where i live, so if you see any mistake, go ahead and show me. i'm still learning.
> 
> the story is also on wattpad, if you're more comfortable with that site or something. [click here.](http://my.w.tt/UiNb/9x7HUfer6B)
> 
> **get ready for a big, long ride.**

The last days of August mean only one thing besides heat; school. Tyler Nathaniel* Joseph hasn't been to school for over two years and he has moved a week ago from Cincinnati to Columbus, to his aunt's house, starting new school.

It's Friday and his last school year starts in 3 days. He still hasn't registered yet, even though it's already late, so he really needs to today. He's fiddling with his phone at a kitchen table, when he hears his aunt yelling to hurry up.

Debby told tyler to not call her his aunt, because it makes her feel older, than she really is. She is not much older than Tyler.

Debby is his mother's younger sister and she's exactly the opposite of him. She has straight, dirty blond dyed hair, perfectly curved body and perpetually tan skin, that she easily maintains whilst napping by the pool during the day. She works by night as a nurse.

Tyler has pale white skin,—he used to have golden-tanned skin, but remembers those times like through a fog—huge brown eyes and dark brown, fluffy hair. Debby tells him he's skinny as a stick. She over-exaggerates a little.

But the fact is, Debby looks like she belongs in a tan lotion ad. Tyler looks like he just jumped out of a coffin.

Nobody can dislike Debby, no matter how hard they would try. Sometimes it makes Tyler hate her, because he knows he will never be like her. She let him live with her not because he didn't have anywhere else to go, but because he doesn't have anywhere else he can stand to be. He's still surprised, that a single woman in her late twenties decided to provide gloomy teenager a home. He's thankful for Debby, but he won't tell her this. Not that he tells her anything. He doesn't.

She, as always, has to listen to loud music while she's driving, and Tyler is thankful for it. Loud sounds make it impossible to hear the soft ones, and the soft sounds are the ones you have to be afraid of. Also, he feels safe in cars, especially Debby's car. Outside is a different story. He never feels safe outside.

"Your mom asked me, if you can text her, when we're done here," Debby tells him. His mother expects a lot of things she's never going to get. In the scheme of things, a phone call is not too much to ask, but that doesn't mean she'll get one.

Debby pulls into a parking lot of Tyler's new, lively and disgusting school. It's a shape of an octagon, like an angular letter C, and parking as well as courtyard are located inside the letter.

When they walk in, they are attacked by stuffy air and even louder noise, that in Debby's car. The hallway is a mass of commotion, there are a few lines leading to several doors. Debby leads Tyler with her, pushing people away and passing all of the lines.

She reaches one receptionist and tells her they have an appointment with the Principal. She's playing his mom's part today and this is a side of her he doesn't usually see. She prefers the cool aunt role. Even though she doesn't have any kids, she acts like a good mom.

The receptionist points at dark, huge door leading to the Principal's office, so they hurry in its direction. Sometimes cases like Tyler's have their pros. They can avoid standing in annoying crowd of sweaty students and their parents sending nasty glares here and there.

They have to wait a few minutes in the other, empty this time, hallway. Nobody notices Tyler at all, but he thought he will come in and fill some paperwork and then will be done with it, but he wasn't expecting dozens of students crowding the building.

He's wearing all-black today. Black shoes, black socks, black jeans, and, to the addition to the weather hot like in hell, black hoodie. No wonders, why people were staring at him like at some insane kid. Well.

Even though the hallway they are in is almost empty, loud noises still can be heard. They make Tyler crazy. He might run away from this place and hide in car for eternity, but he knows he can't. It's for his good.

After what feels like an eternity, the huge, wooden door finally opens, and a tall, good looking man welcomes them two with a warm smile. What's so funny? It's fake, Tyler assumes. In a few minutes the man will realize these will be the most difficult minutes in his career.

The Principal is wearing grey, too big for him suit and totally non-fitting green tie. Besides, he doesn't look older than fifty. He rushes to his big chair behind a desk, that is too big for this room, and points at two, comfortable leather chairs for Tyler and Debby to sit.

The whole furniture is dark with some glass parts and golden awards on each shelf. There are also many big, green plants standing on the floor, but what attracts Tyler's attention the most is a little tv showing a monitoring of the whole school. He decides to remember the places, where these cameras are situated.

At the time, when Tyler was looking around the room, Debby had begun her speech about Tyler's unique situation to the Principal. She says everything as detailed as she's able to, like she's afraid it would affect negatively on them two, if she missed something.

Tyler notices the man glances over at him. His eyes widen just slightly as he looks closer, and he looks like he wants to burst and ask, _Why did I agree to this?_ Tyler isn't surprised anymore, that he might scare people.

Tyler is again completely zoned out on the conversation and looks around the Principal's office the second time. A few family pictures look at him from a glass table and the diploma on the wall is from The University of Michigan.

Debby is pulling out a file of doctor's notes and hands it to the man. There are lots of sheets. As he looks at the paperwork, Tyler is still scanning the room precisely, but there's unfortunately not to much to distract anymore.

"Not at all?" he finally hears a voice breaking the silence.

"Not at all," Debby confirms. She looks really serious, that sometimes it makes Tyler want to laugh.

"I see. Well, we'll try to do what we can. I'll make sure his teachers are informed before Monday. Did he fill in a class request form?" And by that, they have gotten to the part, where he's started to talk about Tyler like he's not in the room. "I can't promise he'll get all the chosen classes. Most of them are already full at this point."

"We understand and know you'll do as much as possible. We appreciate your discretion as well," Debby adds.

The Principal smiles and walks them to the door, avoiding looking at Tyler. He probably made him uncomfortable. He shakes Debby's hand and nods at the boy, pointing to the door. He leads them back into the raging chaos in the hallway and asks to wait a few moments, and then he disappears with Tyler's paperwork.

Tyler leans against the wall as there are no empty chairs left. He looks around and sees, that several of the same people he saw earlier are still waiting in line. He thanks God again, that they could fit in an appointment.

He glances at the front of the line, where some tall, skinny brunet with a quiff even higher, than his body, tosses his breathtaking smile towards the receptionist behind a counter. She looks rapturous. Tyler can't blame her, because this guy is so good-looking, that even self-respecting women could turn into drooling teenage girls just by looking at him.

He keeps flirting and making the woman laugh like a little girl and isn't even able to finish, when suddenly a pretty, blue-haired girl rushes in his direction, shouting, that everybody turns around, "Brendon! I've been sitting in the car for at least half an hour now! Hurry up!"

Well, apparently the guy has a girlfriend. She's as good looking as him. Besides her blue, shoulder-length hair, she has porcelain features, so delicate, that they might shatter, when you touch her face. She's wearing loose, grey t-shirt with cut out sleeves and tight blue jeans.

The guy holds up a finger to her to wait a second and ends a conversation with the receptionist. Tyler is surprised, that he didn't choose a different finger. He doesn't know, where did that thought come from and clears his throat.

He eventually looks up again to see the guy smirking at him. Oh, no. The receptionist scribbles something hurriedly in his papers and passes them back to him, but he is still looking at Tyler.

Tyler raises his eyebrows and tries to avoid his piercing gaze on him, looking away at the pictures of students, hanging on the wall. He hears the guy thanking the woman for her work and after a minute he guesses that the guy finally left the building. He's safe now.

It looks, like Debby already finished her business with the Principal. "Come on," she declares and almost touches Tyler's shoulder to guide him out the hallway.

They leave stuffed school and walk slowly to the car, Tyler squinting his eyes from strong rays of sun breaking through trees and blinding him. Debby, as always, seems to be really happy, but now she even has a reason. She did a perfectly good job and she knows it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * i know tyler's second name is robert. if you see the name nathaniel again in this story, don't comment it's a wrong name, because i know. i can say, that it's a necessity for this story.
> 
> i guess you're confused. that's good. ;)
> 
> one day i remembered my last summer holidays' experience and one book i read, and decided to write this, a new fic, which will be really hard to write like ["message man"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10039355/chapters/22375253) (you can read that one if you want), but i choose the hardest ways in my life, so why not? :')
> 
> again, get ready for a big, long ride.
> 
>  **hmu on tumblr[fairllyfloral](https://fairllyfloral.tumblr.com)**  
>   
> 
> thank you so much, if you're reading this.  
> it means a lot :)  
> 


	2. stop, focus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for being here, i love you all so much.

Tyler hates himself.

The first day of school finally came and he wants to scream. He's not completely sure, what awaits for him inside that building, but he just has to survive this day. He doesn't care about tomorrow.

He waves to Debby until she finally drives away after what feels like 10 minutes. She was really afraid to let him go today. She was probably more anxious than him. It's all difficult for both of them.

The whole drive to school Tyler was staring at his hands on his lap and nothing else. He was terrified and Debby noticed it immediately. She didn't sing out loud this time. She didn't play any music at all.

He's early enough, so he doesn't have to hurry like on Friday. He believes, that he can also avoid most of people, that decide to come in the last minute and always make a chaos.

He feels smaller than he actually is, when he opens main glass door and comes inside. He doesn't have a time to look around, when a counsellor passes the hallway and reaches him by the way with a smile and asks to go with her to her office.

"Good morning, Tyler." She seems too cheerful for the first day of school at seven o'clock in the morning. Are teachers always like that? They apparently are. Tyler wonders, what he would be like at her age, when he already wants to fall down on the floor and never stand up again at the age of 17.

She looks for something on her little desk and after a moment hands Tyler a map of the school and a schedule. He automatically scans the latter one and his eyes go wide. For a minute he's convinced, that she must have handed him the wrong schedule, so he checks the top of it a few times. It's his. He feels like he might as well scream out everything, what's hiding behind his lungs in a moment, but can't do anything else, than stay silent.

Seemingly, the woman notices the look on his face and tries to send him a small smile of apology. Maybe she really should have, because it seems like this year will suck, but he almost wishes he could tell her it's okay, so she stops feeling bad and he will survive it. It would take more than a few terrible classes to break him.

"I hope you will feel safe here. Have fun, Tyler, and don't hesitate to come here, if something happens." Tyler has no idea, what forced her to tell him to have fun, but it was a little pathetic move from her. Nevermind. Tyler leaves her office and tries to find a classroom.

Classes are quite calm. People probably already think he's strange, so they don't even say a word to him and he's thankful for that. He draws something different every hour.

Brendon guy from last friday catches him during the second break and talks some dumb stuff, really casually. It's weird, but Tyler feels like he's trying to hit on him. But who even is he? He is talking, Tyler is walking. Some time passes, when he finally gives up, says "Goodbye, see you later bud," and walks away. He's funny.

Music theory class. The teacher, a woman in her late twenties, with a blonde ponytail and incredibly perfect piano-playing hands, makes students sit in a circle. A circle. In a circle everybody has the a clear sight of the rest, all at once, and that's a thing that doesn't make Tyler feel safe at all.

They are going to play a game, during which you have to tell three things about yourself, of course, but one of them has to be a lie, and the class has to figure out which one is the lie.

Tyler almost regrets, that he can't participate in the game, because it would be so fun to see all the students debate, which one of these three sentences isn't real:

_My name is Tyler Nathaniel Joseph._   
_I used to be an excellent piano player and music theory class for beginners is definitely not for me._   
_Two and half years ago I was murdered._

Instead of that, when it's Tyler's turn, he is sitting silently without moving. The teacher looks at him expectantly. Tyler looks at her. She is still looking at him. The whole class looks at him. He tries to communicate with her visually and his eyes keep telling her; _Check the register. They had to tell you._

Unfortunately, she doesn't understand. "Would you like to share three things about yourself?" she finally asks him as if he is some kid, who doesn't know what's going on around him.

He shakes his head.

"Come on, don't be so shy. Look, everybody has done it so far and it's not that bad." _But it is_. "Can you at least tell us your name?"

Tyler shakes his head again.

He can tell she's starting freaking out and he kind of feels sorry for her, but she should have read her paperwork before class. All the other teachers did.

She sighs heavily, "Okay then." She stands up from a chair and reaches for some black, leather notebook from her desk and sits again. Moving her finger from left to right side of a page, she says every student's name in sequence quietly. She suddenly pauses, not smiling anymore, and looks up at Tyler. "You must be tyler. I'm sorry."

Tyler nods this time.

"You don't talk," she adds.

**...**

Later, a history teacher stops him to help with flying papers, so he's a little late for a lunch break. His biggest nightmare.

He felt okay so far, whilst sitting at the corner of a classroom and being anonymous, but now he has to face everybody and everything. Avoidance always seems to be the best option at first, but he has no choice, but to face looks and comments at some point. 

He decides to head to courtyard, as the amount of people crowding hallways is beyond his expectations.

He checks, if everything he's wearing is on its right place. He's wearing his black hoodie, again, his black, tight jeans, again, but different shoes, with flowers this time, because he couldn't find the _right_ ones.

A few years ago his mother would shout at him at what he is wearing. Who wears warm clothes during a hot, late summer day? Who even has the whole, completely whole wardrobe consisting of only colour black? "That's insane," she'd think, "Do you want people to think you're some creep?

"Do you want me to wear all pink instead?" he'd respond.

But today she'd probably give him a sad smile, and would ask, if it makes him happy and he would nod his head and lie, so they could pretend it wasn't a problem. 

His mother loves her face. She's grateful for what she was born with, and she should be. It's a beautiful face, a perfect face. The kind of face people write songs and poems and stories and suicide notes about. That's his mom. Some people tell him he looks exactly like her. He can't look exactly like her. He has short hair and his face isn't hidden behind tons of make up. Why does she do that to herself? Ask him and he will ask you back.

Sometimes he feels really bad for his mother, because she hadn't chosen, what she got. She was trying to do her best to keep him safe. She thought she'd got an ideal son and something she could be proud of, but Tyler has always known she was wrong and she will understand it some day.

He looks around and notices, that in a couple of minutes that his history teacher stole from him, almost empty courtyard became filled with teenagers. He's going to suffer with an audience.

He takes a first step and immediately regrets this decision, as he hears some whistling noise coming from his left. He can avoid that. He's an expert with avoiding things. Keep going.

However, he can't stay calm. Owners of said whistles begin to chuckle, ostensibly quietly, and he's almost hundred percent sure it's all directed to him. He clings his fists tighter to the material inside his hoodie pockets, but doesn't move. It's like he just can't do a step forward.

"Hey!" Chuckle. "Would you," Another chuckle, "Turn around?" Even more giggles. "Hey!"

Tyler always tries to be a nice person, or rather to stay neutral. He doesn't want to be rude to people, because there's no use to waste an energy on being a mean person. He would probably never even be able to be.

But now he feels like both of his eyes roll to the back of his head and like he might send the most mortal glare anyone has managed to ever show. It's already been the worst day of his life since a couple of years ago and it keeps getting worse and worse.

He turns his head a little bit to the left and raises his eyebrow. Three girls sitting on the bench 6 feet away from him begin to chuckle again, but Tyler doesn't believe it's an innocent girly chuckle. They are laughing at him.

He is a patient person, and if they want a fight, they will get it, but Tyler will be the smarter one and won't open his mouth. He stares at the trio to try to spot what's so special about them, that they decided to make fun of him. 

Number of girls is three, but they look like one. Each one looks exactly the same. Short, dark hair with bangs, black, stripped shirt (the only difference between them is just a size of stripes) and blue, almost invisible shorts. That's not the end. They have so much make up on, that they almost glow in the sunshine, and for some reason Tyler finds nothing attractive in it.

He looks at them with sleepy eyes and apparently looks like a lost child in the rye, because one girl at the very right starts looking at him with a mocked look. He's just standing here, doing nothing, and she already tries to prove with her eyes, that she's on top.

"Meghan just wanted to sit on your lap," suddenly the voice on the left shots and both girls beside her, along with Tyler, look at her frightened. "What? You heard me."

And, okay, it's not even clever, it's rather disgusting, but her silly friends laugh anyway and Tyler rolls his eyes for the second time and thinks, that it's not worth it, turning away.

He steps off the ledge, keeping his eyes trained straight ahead as if he has some purpose outside. He's not even halfway through the day and still has four of seven classes left, but he's already participating in survival.

It's packed and loud out here. So unbearably loud. There are small groups around all of the benches, piled on top of them and standing next to them. Some students sit on the outer edges of the garden boxes, that are placed incrementally throughout. There are also the smart ones, who sit on the ground in the shade of the walkway, that runs around the perimeter. There are already no empty places to sit, there's barely any reprieve from the sun, and it's hotter than hell out here.

He can see black, closed door at the end of pavement and he can tell it leads to bathrooms. Men's or women's? He doesn't care, he just suddenly wants to spend the rest of this break inside the bathroom. or, like cowards like to call it, hide.

He doesn't move his head much, but manages to recognise a few people from his english class, one girl sitting on the grass and reading some newspaper and the infamous blue-haired Brendon's girl, being any less louder than a few days ago.

He has to pass two more benches to get to the doors, but one of them suddenly catches his attention. It's practically empty, except for one boy, sitting right in the middle. It seems strange, because every other bench in this place, or even every other place, where a person could actually sit, is filled. Yet there is nobody sitting on that bench, except for him. There is no one even around him.

Tyler can't help, but look closely at the boy. The most conspicuous thing are strands of his bright, visibly colored yellow hair, Sticking out of his black snapback. He's wearing loose, long white shirt with cut-out sleeves, like the blue-haired girl that day, but his sleeves are cut to the point, that Tyler can see his ribs and hips and even a belt around his jeans. He's wearing clean, skate shoes.

The boy is leaning over with his elbows resting on his knees and looking down at the screen of his phone, so Tyler can't see his eyes well, nor even his face.

Until he can, because right now he's looking at him.

Tyler turns away immediately, even though it's too late, and heads to the black doors, embarrassed like never before. It's not, that he looked at the boy, no, he had to stop walking in the middle of pavement, stare at him and scan his body from head to toe.

He finally makes it to the small stairs and pulls the door handle. Nothing, it's locked. Bathroom is closed during the long break, no matter, how badly people want to pee.

"It's locked," some voice from below says. What a surprising information. He looks down and notices some blond, curly-haired boy, apparently younger than him, sitting on a step with a sketchbook on his lap. He's sitting shoulder to shoulder with a color-haired girl wearing sunglasses and holding a camera, hidden behind rows of small trees. She looks up at him briefly before turning her attention back to her camera. "Teachers make me lock main bathroom during lunch break, so people don't smoke here. But you don't look like you smoke, so..."

And with that he closes his sketchbook and stands lazily on his lanky legs and starts rummaging for something inside a front pocket of his jeans. It feels like eternity and Tyler still can feel the mystery boy's gaze on him, but he doesn't dare to look at that direction again today. Or ever.

"Here you go," the blond boy says, holding the door open for Tyler, before putting the key back inside his pocket. Tyler wants to thank him hundred times, but just gives him a smile and disappears behind the bathroom door. This boy was nice and didn't even try to judge Tyler. He might come to these stairs more often.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter sucks a little, forgive me.
> 
> but thank you for reading, it will get more interesting soon. :)
> 
> please, comment what do you think, ask me questions if you have some.
> 
> have a nice day/night,  
> liv x


	3. newspaper

When Tyler approaches Debby's house, he wants to drop on his knees and thank God, that he made it to 3 p.m. and managed to arrive back here. This day was so eventful he doubted he would ever breathe calmly again.

It was horrible, yes, but he had been prepared for much worse. After lunch nobody spoke to him; probably word after him travelled quickly through people's mouth. During the last period Brendon burst into a classroom, almost 10 minutes late, wearing that never-disappearing smirk on his face.

"Mr. Urie, what a surprise you decided to visit us," a teacher, looking like a music theory lady's sister, sat at her desk and pointed at empty desks he could sit by.

"Hey, Ms. Edwards," he smiled and winked.

"Keep your charms to your girls, Mr. Urie," she answered and at that moment Brendon walked exactly in Tyler's direction. Tyler wanted to stand up and run away, but could only turn his head away and pretend he was not there. It didn't help, Brendon had already pushed empty chairs from his way and reached the one exactly beside Tyler.

"Some day we will recite poetry to one another," he continued the talk with his teacher, sliding onto an empty chair.

"The poetry unit isn't until next semester, so you'll have to stow your sonnets until then." She pulled a yellow slip of paper out of the drawer and walked to him. "Don't be too disappointed. We _do_ have a date tomorrow morning. Six forty-five a.m. in the library." She winked back at him, as she laid the detention slip on his desk.

Brendon rolled his eyes, but his smile even widened, when he looked to his right side at Tyler's face. Tyler even tried his best to stay stone-faced for the whole hour, but failed this time, as Brendon constantly had to throw some flirty comments towards the teacher and him.

Tyler wasn't even mad at him. That guy wasn't doing anything bad and have been the only one from probably hundreds, besides that curly boy from stairs, that didn't judge him. He kept funny staring at him and embarrassing himself in front of the whole class. He seemed like a good company, and apparently Tyler also seemed like a good company to him. Tyler probably begins to like Brendon. He makes the shy boy forget about the reality surrounding him and even pulls out of him a little smile.

He gets inside the house and throws his backpack somewhere on the floor, when suddenly he can hear his phone buzzing. It must be Debby or his mother, nobody else calls him anymore.

He doesn't call anybody either, just uses his phone in most necessary situations; to text Debby, where he is, or that he will be a little late. Nothing else. Debby understands and never asks any more questions. She never asks, how's his day been, or if he did finally meet some friends. She knows he won't answer.

It's a message from Debby. She went out for some food and will be back in an hour. Great, because Tyler is starving. Debby never cooks her own meals, because she can't cook. Neither can tyler. He just can bake something, but nothing too great.

Meals aren't awkward with Debby. She talks enough for both of them and doesn't seem to have a problem with it. He's not even sure she needs him sitting at a table.

She and brendon are the most talkative people he has ever met. He hasn't lived with her for a long time, but he would be already able to write some biography about her. He knows names of all her boyfriends, her whole childhood story, and what is every neighbour like.

Finally Debby comes back, they eat a dinner, she talks and laughs, they finish eating and she tells him she's going to nap for an hour to be conscious enough at work. And now he doesn't know, what to do.

He hasn't got any homework yet and has nothing to study for. He doesn't watch tv, he can't go for a walk, because it's raining outside. He stands up from a chair and starts walking around the hall, until his head is spinning.

He comes back to the kitchen and then he finally realises. Debby brought some new newspaper with her today and he hasn't checked the birth announcements in a few days already.

Tyler likes to read newspaper and check for some new names he hasn't heard of yet. He likes names and he collects them. He cuts out the most interesting of them and hides inside his notebook. He likes to pretend the names actually mean something, he just likes looking at them and imagine himself with some pretty and more significant name, than he's got on his day of birth.

He takes a look precisely at every name and every letter not to overlook anything, but unfortunately he can't find anything new. People don't have really creative names. They all are overused and probably everybody knows at least 10 people with the same name. Nobody is special. Even, if there's nobody like you right now in the present, you're not sure, if there wasn't anybody in the past or if there won't be anybody in the future. You are never unique.

He's already at the last page and can see some Sarah, Max, Ashley and Erin. None of these names are worthy to end up inside his notebook. He's disappointed and wants this day to be finally dead, but it's been so long and he still can't see an end.

He sighs too many times in last few minutes, staring blankly at the last page of Debby's newspaper. Suddenly something comes into his mind. He re-reads the article again and stops at the Ashley name. He decides to cut it out, because this name will always remind him of something.

It was a few hours ago, when all the classes had already ended and Tyler was about to come back home. He just wanted to go to his new locker and check, if everything was alright and if the combination he took from the counsellor worked. He had a little problem with finding the right red locker, and a lot of students had already left school, but he was standing still, looking around at several numbers. Suddenly, something interrupted his intense search.

"Hey, please, give me twenty bucks," he heard somebody at the end of the hallway. He turned around and saw nobody else, but Brendon and that blue-haired girl. Two stars of the drama.

"Why?" she asked, annoyed as always, leaning against two lockers.

"Because I need twenty bucks," Brendon said. What a dumbass.

"No," she answered, but it came out sounding like a question. She opened her locker and tried to avoid him. Brendon didn't stop, though.

"I will pay you back." _No, you won't_ , Tyler thought.

"No, you won't." _See?_

Brendon rolled his eyes and looked somewhere forward, where he noticed Tyler standing and witnessing this whole scene, so he smirked at him. "Okay, I won't pay you ba—"

"Why don't you just ask your whores?" she snapped loudly, slamming her locked really hard. It was getting intense and Tyler started feeling bad for standing here and casually eavesdropping. At least Brendon didn't seem to have any problem with it.

"Because, my little lady," and with that he put his arm around her shoulders, turning his head a little and winking at Tyler, who was still standing quietly at the end of hallway, like they were partners in crime at that moment and Brendon wanted to tell him; _Watch her breaking right here in my arms._ He continued, "None of them love me as much as you do."

The girl groaned loudly. She almost lost her patience and Tyler could see she was about to attack him.

Brendon squeezed her shoulder and shook her not so lightly. "Come on, Ashley!"

 _Ashley_. Tyler finally knew her name and she didn't have to be the _blue-haired Brendon's girl_ anymore.

"Drop it. You know it doesn't work on me, forget it and fuck off."

Brendon sighs heavily. "Okay, I'm going to do something else, then." He took his arm off her shoulder and simply dropped down on one knee. Was he really doing this for some money? With every minute he seemed funnier and funnier.

He almost kneeled on his two knees, but Ashley quickly stopped him. "What the hell? Don't make a scene!" Oh, like you don't provoke every event in this school into a scene, Ashley. "Stand up," she growled.

"No, until-"

"I said stand up!" she shouted and probably attracted even more attention at all than Brendon. He finally stood up and Ashley unzipped her bag to pull out a purse. Seriously? Tyler thought she was more assertive, but now, she actually started digging for some money, and after what felt like one big minute, gave Brendon a handful of coins. "Ugh, take it, or i'm gonna change my mind."

Brendon looked at the money as if it was an eighth wonder of the world. "Thank you, baby. Have I ever told you you're the best sister?" Sister?

"I did it so you can finally leave me alone." He started walking away, after hugging her. "I swear, if you don't pay me back, I'm telling mom!" she yelled after him.

Well, what a funny discovery. Tyler couldn't believe he hadn't noticed that earlier, because he and his brother, Zack, used to act like that every day; bicker about this and that, but always forgive, and then argue again. Siblings' nature.

And wherefore he cuts out a little fragment with the word "Ashley" of the last page of the newspaper and glues it into the middle of his notebook, along with many other names. Her name means _powerful._ Well, tyler doesn't doubt this girl is powerful. 

He tosses the newspaper back on top of the pile and checks his phone, wondering, what he could do to kill time. He's so bored he can explode any time. A few years ago he could only dream about being bored. There was no place for being lazy. Not in his life. But everything is gone now and will never come back. His life has been turned around.

He has nothing to do these days. He might check some social media, but he deleted all his accounts a long time ago, so there's no point in that. He could torture himself by using Zack's username and password to check up on people he used to be friends with, but why would he even? There isn't anything he wants to know. His life isn't like it was a few years ago anymore, and if something decided to take it away from him, he isn't going to try picking it up, like it would help with something.

Thunderstorm behind the window keeps increasing, tormenting Tyler's head with incredibly bright lightnings and loud noises. His head is burning, but on the other hand he's more calm, because thunders disturb his silly overthinking, or because he used to love storms. And rain.

The rain used to always make him feel relieved and free. Small, cold droplets refreshed his face, tickling his cheeks and watering his eyelashes, what made them seem even longer. It ran down his face as a thin layer, always as fascinating as never before.

The rain makes you focus more on the world surrounding you. The world gets painted. It makes you focus on shiny trees, that whisper along with each rain drop single letters. It had always been a music, which called to him in ways, that inspired him to create something even _he_ couldn't explain to himself. Ehen the patter of the drops tumbled from grey skies, the melody brought serenity no matter the chaos in his life.

Finally, the sky became even darker and lower, with ominous black clouds, and the wind picked up, howling, crying, warning, baying like a wolf into the night. The first crack of lightning rent the air and within seconds the rolling boom of thunder reverberated overhead. The rain kept splattering the sidewalks haphazardly, and then it fell so intense, as if from buckets, cascading like a waterfall from the heavens.

Tyler has never been scared. He's been intrigued. No sunny day could equal with the power of water and light.

When he was younger, he always used to rush out of the house, when had he noticed the smallest evidences of rain. But, to be honest, he loved downpour the most.

That's why he stands from behind the kitchen table, puts on his shoes and leaves the house, not bothering to wear any jacket, or a hat. A second after he's outside, he looks up to see silver water glitter, illuminated by street lamp, falling down directly on his eyes.

The thunderstorm is violent, but Tyler has never cared less. He opens the gate and runs out onto the empty, transparent street and keeps running.

The thunder seems to crack the air, as if the very heavens might split apart. It rolls like the ash could of a volcano, becoming a rolling booming rumble. It gives a fair warning of what is still to come.

Tyler doesn't hear it.

He wants to love the rain again, but he can't declare a feeling, that settled down inside him those years ago. He can't come back. However, it feels free again.

He doesn't bear off too far away to not get lost, as he still doesn't know these streets well and only circles the house a few times, until he's soaked to the skin.

He bursts back into the house, shivering unawares and soaking the ground with dozens of droplets and a couple of small puddles created by his boots.

He walks through the kitchen to bathroom and checks, if it's empty, still in his wet clothes. Nobody's there, so he takes off everything he's wearing and heads into a cool shower.

With clear water cleaning rests of this not-much-but-still-awful day, he starts a conversation with his own self. He talks about his terrible schedule and tells himself about the unfortunate irony of being in music theory class. He complains, that there's no student immune to Brendon's charm, except for Tyler.

He has these conversations periodically, just to make sure his voice still works well, in case he ever wants to use it again, even though it's not possible in the near future. Returning to the world of the vocal was always the plan, but some days he wonders, if it will ever happen. He can't come back now. Most of the time he repeats some names he'd just glued onto white pages of his notebook, but today was so chaotic, that he even found himself using full sentences.

His voice isn't much different, than it had been before, but at first he extracts little squeaks. It's like a sound of your voice after a long nap, just much worse.

He puts on a black t-shirt and shorts and crawls behind his, still, floral bedsheets from his old house. His mother brought them. She probably doesn't understand, that he was trying to get away from that place, not bring it with himself. But also, there's no use to change them, if they are not damaged after these years. He doesn't show his bedsheets in public.

He turns the light off, closes his eyes, and wonders what hell the next day will bring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plotless chapter, you'd think? haha, nope. every detail is important, believe me.
> 
> did you enjoy this chapter? tell me. <3
> 
> i hope you have a nice day/night.  
> stay alive,  
> liv |-/


	4. confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stuff happens oo

Tyler has been successfully hiding in hallways and bathrooms during lunch for the whole week. The second day, the boy with a sketchbook, whose name he has learned by surreptitiously glancing at the cover on his sketchbook, _Troye_ , was kind enough to give him a short list of the best hideouts in the building, when he caught Tyler trying get into the outside doors again. He's already checked out most them.

He noticed, that a system on the courtyard never changes. Everybody sits on the same place every day; these three twin girls laughing at him next to the doors, Ashley and her gang a little further, then the mysterious boy, always sitting all alone, in the same position, and at the end, at the right on the stairs, Troye and his photographer friend. No one strays from the place they planted themselves the day before.

He passes them all every day. These minutes he spends crossing the courtyard are the most interesting part of the day, but, if he's being honest, this yellow-haired guy is the main reason he still comes here daily.

The second day of school he had walked to see, if he still sat there all alone. He did.

The third and fourth day he had walked to see, if he'd look up at him again. He didn't.

Today, on Friday, he comes here just to look at him. He, obviously, sits all by himself and is almost completely motionless. Only his finger moves sometimes on the screen on his phone. Tyler secretly wants to see his eyes again, even though he got scared and ran away immediately, when he did that on monday. But he doesn't dare to move his gaze.

Tyler thinks he's maybe some ghost, that only Tyler can see him, but that's impossible, because somebody else would sit at his place, and there's only him and an empty bench.

He looks as good as always. Almost the same, but different. He wears same looking, but different clothes, and even different snapback every day. The only thing, that's exactly the same, is his shoes. Still clean, black skate shoes. And the same nice arms.

All Tyler is doing is staring and walking, and he doesn't even look further, so unfortunately he stumbles on his foot on a cobblestone and falls down on his knees, between Ashley's and the yellow guy's benches. Beautiful. What an amazing way to end a week.

He slowly stands up, shaking up his bruised hands and knees from dust, and looks up, seeing, that the statue boy still hasn't moved. Unfortunately, Tyler got noticed by somebody else.

"Mommy hasn't taught you, how to walk?" Ashley. Her voice is followed by giggles and then another female voice.

"But look, she taught him how to dress warmly."

"You left hell, that you're able to deal with that heat, dressed like a bear?" More giggles. Seriously? Tyler thought _he_ was being childish, but their comments are really subpar. She could at least say something funny, but apparently she _was_ funny enough, that several girls surrounding her are looking at Tyler, and, yes, still giggling.

_"Enough, Ashley."_

Ashley's mouth, which was open in the formation of another display of her scathing wit, clamps shut so fast it makes Tyler turn around to the direction of the voice, or maybe more like a growl. The only person, that could do it, was the last one Tyler would expect to be a hero in this whole situation.

Tyler isn't the only, who looks at the yellow boy at the moment. In fact, there are quite a few sets of eyes watching him now, waiting to see if anything else comes out of his mouth.

But he still doesn't move his gaze away from Ashley, giving her a look, which might only say; _Better don't fuck with me_ , if the eyes could speak. His glance flicks to Tyler for a second, and it feels like the whole world stops its movements for a while, and then comes backs to staring at his phone.

Tyler turns away from the boy and catches Ashley staring at him now. The look on her face isn't carved out of jealousy or even bitterness, which is what he kind of expected, but she looks like one big question mark. He has a feeling, that his expression looks exactly like hers, but from a different reason.

The weird part about it is how everybody reacted. They all shut up. Nobody questioned him, or asked why, everybody stopped laughing, and they didn't ignore him. They just stopped. He said a simple "enough", and that was that. He didn't even have to raise his voice to make everybody obedient. End of the story.

Tyler, being the coward he is, starts to walk away quickly, with his chest burning from his heart beating so fast. He can see Troye and that colourful-haired girl sitting on the stairs, and a history book stuck between the door to keep it open. Troye, hugging his sketchbook, smirks at him, and Tyler really wants to ask, if he knows, what that was about, but he can't, so he slips into the building.

He makes it halfway down the corridor and turns off into the stairwell, leaning up against the wall, grateful to be alone in the quiet. He has nothing to do, but watch the front of the school from a window and observe people's tired life outside.

Before he's able to start to think about the past events, he hears the door opening again. He got embarrassed enough to be followed and laughed at by somebody else. He presses his back against the wall, to make himself the least visible, and concentrates on the direction of the footsteps, which are getting louder by the second. The steps are solid, but soft. They aren't clumsy or awkward. It's a graceful walk. Whoever it is, they're taller than Tyler.

He waits for the footsteps to pass, but they don't. They stop. Tyler, staring this whole time at the floor, suddenly sees these black and white skate shoes he knows very well. He doesn't have to look up to know, who they belong to.

The fire in Tyler's chest is burning out his guts and he feels, like he's going to suffocate, to faint right here, in front of the mysterious yellow-haired guy, who caught him rudely staring this Monday, and that will for sure made Tyler look even more strange in his head.

He looks up to see big, perfectly brown eyes, looking at him so intensely, that they might impale a hole inside his head. Maybe he's over-exaggerating, but Tyler's body is melting from the heat boiling inside, and he doesn't even see anything around, he doesn't see anything, but a pair of drilling eyes.

"I won't do that again," the voice below the eyes finally says, calmly, like all his anger disappeared within 30 seconds, but still looking like he could kill with his gaze. He doesn't wait for any kind of response and turns away, leaving the stairwell, and acting, like any of this never happened.

 _I won't do that again?_ Nobody even asked you. Does he think he did Tyler a favor by calling the whole attention on him? He would deal with it without his pity as well, thank you. And if he is going to never do that again, go ahead, you didn't even have to do it in the first place.

Tyler doesn't know, what to think about that. His sight is fuzzy, he still sees these big, brown eyes in front of him and they don't disappear for the rest of the day.

He's not surprised, when Brendon catches him again, a few hours later, after he finishes all his classes for today.

"Are you free now?" he asks, waiting for the response, but then realising he won't get it anyway. "Great, I can drive you home."

What does that mean? It's not like Tyler can tell him his address and let almost a complete stranger drive him home.

He follows him anyways. He doesn't even have a choice, as Brendon wraps his arm around his neck and leads him through the doors, straight to a parking lot.

"Guess, which car is mine," he begins again. "Do you see this grey beauty there, on the right?" Tyler glances at him questioningly. "Yeah, me too."

They pass dozens of students' and teachers' beautiful cars shining in the rays of hot sun. But cars aren't the only thing, that's shining this time. Tyler can see yellow streaks of hair radiating the color on the courtyard, sticking out of the red snapback and making the most visible contrast in this area.

"Dun! Josh!" Brendon shouts loudly, so the other can hear him clearly, and Tyler wants to bury himself underground. He thought it's been enough nervous events for today, but when the yellow guy looks up at them both, those big, brown eyes appear inside his head and begin to haunt him again.

When he walks in their direction, Tyler escapes from Brendon's grip and walks away suddenly. If those eyes aren't going to leave him alone, he doesn't want to hear his voice again.

"Tyler, wai—"

"Do you know him?"

"I plan to, Josh, but you scared him off," Brendon responds, looking away from Tyler disappearing in a labyrinth of cars.

Josh rolls his eyes and lays his books on the hood of the car. "Then why did you call me, if you knew he would act like this?"

"Well, I didn't know you knew him."

"I don't know him," Josh says, looking for the boy. "Who is he?"

"Some British kid, Tyler something, I haven't caught his last name. I was starting to worry, that I was losing my appeal, because he'd never talk to me, but apparently he doesn't talk to anybody."

"Are you surprised? He seems kind of antisocial."

Brendon shakes his head, "Yeah, but it's not that. He doesn't talk. That's it."

"At all?" Josh looks at him skeptically.

"At all."

"Why not?" Josh starts to feel even more confused about this kid.

"I don't know, man," Brendon shrugs. "Maybe he doesn't understand American accent."

"Are you fucking serious?" Josh laughs him off, leaning against Brendon's car. "If he's british, he speaks English, and why wouldn't he understand... English?"

"I have no idea, don't attack me!" Brendon's voice echoes through the area, which starts to empty.

"But how do you even know this?" Josh asks curiously, putting his sunglasses on.

"I have some classes with him." Josh is trying to process the information, while Brendon continues, "I'm not complaining though. It's a chance to work on him every day."

Josh almost chokes hearing that, even though he knows Brendon well and is aware of his ridiculousness. But still, he over-exaggerates.

"Chill, you're probably losing your appeal," he replies dryly, taking his books and putting them inside his backpack.

"Don't say that to me ever again," Brendon says, looking at his phone. "It's 3 already, I have to go. See you on Monday." And with that, he hops in his car and drives off, leaving Josh standing in the parking lot.

Josh sighs loudly and walks to his own car, cursing himself for opening his stupid mouth today during the long break. 

He apparently really scared the kid off, and it's making him sick, because he didn't mean to. After leaving the stairway he'd thought he had done the right thing, but then when he saw his terrified look a few moments ago in the parking lot, when they exchanged looks, he felt bad. Not to mention him running away instantly.

Something in this boy scares him in some way. He wants to know, why he doesn't talk, what is so interesting in Josh, that he stopped to look at him every day, and why he wears these big black sweaters in summer.

Josh likes to look at people and he usually has no problem with that, because nobody even notices him, but this boy was already quicker on the first day. He wasn't going to look at him in the eyes again, he just kept his head down every day he showed in the courtyard and watched his shoes, while he passed his bench. 

He just felt bad for the kid. Or maybe he just wanted Ashley to shut the hell up, because he knows she's able to do more than that. Or maybe he just wanted the boy to look at him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oohhh whaat is happening
> 
> so i've been really, really busy this week and it was hard to write something, but me being me, i had to write to not disappoint you guys. i hope i didn't. :)
> 
> thank you for reading! please, give me a feedback, i would love to see, what do you think about this chapter and this story in general! <3
> 
> have a nice day/night |-/  
> liv


	5. light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys i'm back and probably better than ever, because the school year is almost dead and i hope i will be in less pain from the next week (but probably not tbh), how great!
> 
> i hope you didn't forget about this story :(
> 
> okay, important note.  
>  **listen to the song["female robbery"](https://youtu.be/5UgLa8zViJ8) by the neighbourhood all the time whilst reading this chapter.** this song is actually a low-key summary of this whole story? i don't know how? i didn't plan this, i swear. when i first listened to that song i was thinking _wait, how does it fit perfectly to this fic?_ seriously. i'm 100% honest with you.
> 
> this chapter is really important. read carefully. -olivia

If Tyler thought he'd get his freedom during the weekend, he was wrong. He feels everything at once. Something pulls him aggressively. Every time the light is gone and he is in the dark, everything is pain. There are too many sensations at once.

Every nerve is on fire, and then there are flashes of everything; colours, voices, machines, harsh words, and still never ending, constant and steady, pain. Everything comes back to him, once he tries to close his eyelids. The memory is more brutal than reality. He doesn't want to be awake anymore.

Yet he is awake. He's been fully awake for two and half years now. He never sleeps, because his dreams are torturing him, never letting him relax. They keep reminding him of life he'd never had a chance to experience like everyone else.

It's probably late after midnight, and Tyler should be asleep, like every normal almost 18-year-old kid. He's written down already four pages in his notebook, but sleep still isn't coming. He needs to finally do something with it.

He peels off floral covers and looks out the window. The rain finally stopped the day before, and that finally gives Tyler a chance to go out and feel free for a moment, without getting sick.

He doesn't bother with changing his clothes, as he's wearing white t-shirt with roses and leggings as pajamas, brought from his family house, giddy with the thought of pounding his emotions into the sidewalk and leaving them behind as he goes.

He leaves his bedroom and glances at clock. It's almost 2 a.m. Nothing worse could happen in his life inside the dark space at 2 a.m. anyway. He takes the keys and puts on his shoes, then slowly goes outside.

He only planned a purifying walk, to cleanse his chaotic mind, but he suddenly wants to tear down the road until he can't breathe, until there is not enough oxygen left in the world to keep him from suffocating and every drop of sweat is the stress leaching out of him, taking with it all of his anxiety and energy, so he can collapse into sleep tonight or this morning.

His body and mind have missed this over the past couple of weeks, because of moving to Debby's house, and then constant raining, that trapped him indoors. He would go anyway, but didn't want to get himself sick at the first days of school. Now, he's not going to survive without nightly walks for any longer.

His first late "runaway" from the house happened one night, when he was fighting with his parents, again. Or more like sitting and listening to them fighting about him. It was 10 p.m. He sat on his bed, covered with his floral blanket, exactly the same, which he sleeps under in his bed now. He was listening to his father asking his mother, why she kept blaming herself. She would ask his father, why it didn't even bother him, and he would respond, that it all killed him inside, but there was no point to drown in it anymore. Tyler couldn't stand it. 

He put on the first pair of his shoes he had found, not even caring if these were the same or different, left hurriedly the house, leaving it open, and ran.

There was no slow warm up. There was no pace or purpose. There was only running away.

He doesn't remember, how far he made it that night, but probably not very, because a few moments after he was gasping for air and his lungs ached. He had ran too fast. It was too much at once. He was suffering a little bit, but it was amazing.

Then he sat on the curb and started crying. This ugly kind of crying, when you keep sucking breaths in all at once and the air scrapes against your throat. He cried loudly and desperately, lifting his head to the dark sky; shining stars becoming wider and transparent in front of his teary eyes. He hasn't cried once since then.

He decided to run away every night without his parents' knowledge, but only for a walk, not to cause any injury, which could destroy his weak body completely that time.

One time Tyler's father had finally found out about his nightly routine, but that didn't stop Tyler from doing, what he was doing. His parents didn't mind it. His therapist told them it was healthy. They love the word _"healthy"_ , and would let him do anything if that meant to keep him healthy.

He walked longer and further every day, not caring about rain and thunderstorms. He walked to get even wetter and more tired, to soak in his clothes and feel like he wasn't able to move his feet. Now, it's the only therapy he can get.

However, tonight, after 5 minutes of fast walk, he begins to run. He runs, as if he is on some long highway, without caring if he should turn right or left, he runs to drain every ounce of energy out of himself, so that there is nothing left to use for regret or fear or remembering.

With every single step, he stomps out the chaos in his head, until it's all but gone. It will come back in the daylight, when he begins to think again, but for now it's away, and that's enough. His thoughts drift off with the last vestiges of his energy and adrenaline, leaving him with familiar feeling of nausea.

He slows down to a jog, and then a walk, trying to lull his stomach into submission, but it's not working.

For the first time this night, he actually looks around consciously and notices his surroundings. He can see an unfamiliar street he has never been on before. He doesn't know, how far he has run, but everything is foreign. There's even no street lamp, that might clear his vision. Every house looks the same and every window is dark. It feels like nobody lives here, but actually everyone just sleeps. Not Tyler, though.

The sickness inside his stomach is replaced by a new kind of dread. He can't find any street sign, and he can't check it on his phone, because he left it on his bed, being too excited to leave the house and forgetting to take it with himself. It's the middle of the night and he is alone, lost and drenched in darkness.

Everything he can do right now is follow the sidewalk and look for some light, because it feels, like he's going to get blind. It's so dark, there's no moon visible, and still no lamps. He barely sees his own shoes. It's not good. He curses his stupid mind for the hundredth time within these last 5 minutes.

He feels an unbelievable fear, and if somebody saw him right now, they could read it painted from his face. He walks, hoping that no wild animal jumps on him in the middle of the street. Any human being isn't apparently going to appear.

Suddenly, finally, Tyler can recognize a yellow glow. It might be his rescue. He listens to the silence, that settles around him while he walks into the direction of the light. He can hear everything; crickets chirping, unintelligible voices coming from a television somewhere, and a sound he can't place right away. It's rhythmic and heavy. Well, it might be his rescue, or the cause of his death as well.

The light grows wider and is coming from one house at the end of the road. It's brighter, than what could be given off by the front lamps alone.

He heads nervously towards the house, not knowing what he can expect to find there. Maybe there's somebody, who can give him directions to Debby's house. _But wonder, in what magical way you would ask for them, idiot._

He sighs loudly, realising he's inside a dark hole. It might be his end. He is lost, probably too far from his house, too far from the morning, and too unable to ask for help. What, if somebody actually is there? What would he do? Stand and stare, hoping that they could actually read his mind?

The rhythmic and hard sound continues in the distance, but it obviously gets louder. It's so loud, that it could wake the near neighbourhood up. Tyler still can't tell, what it is.

Curiosity along with fear grows with every step and every hitting sound, that touches his ears. It's now or never. He can't return to his house anyway now.

He makes it to the end of the driveway, stopping in front of a big, light yellow house. The bright light is coming from the opened garage. He wants to see, if anyone is there, before he goes too close, but his feet don't want to stop. This sight and sound attract him.

As soon as he reaches the threshold, the whole heat from inside his body vanishes in one moment. He's frozen. There's only one thought in his head. **He knows this place.**

He takes another step carefully, looking around, remembering details of a place, the place he has never been in, for sure, but the place he remembers from the dusty pages inside his head. **He knows this place.**

One thought invades his brain repeatedly, and as it does, he finally takes note of the rhythmic sound, still humming in his ears. It hits him, his mind gets fuzzy and he can't believe it. He can recognize the sound, too.

Tyler looks at direction of the sound and finally sees. At the end of the garage, leaning behind a set of drums, stands a boy, very focused on his work. Both of his hands are holding black, beautiful and looking like unused drumsticks, and hitting one drum softly at the same time at once.

Tyler can't take his eyes off those bare, toned arms, he can't take his eyes off this colourful tattoo contrasting with the dull light and the dark of the night. He can't take his eyes off those hands, they hypnotize him.

**He knows this place.**

Thinking back again, Tyler sucks his breath all at once. He needs one more second. One more second to process, what is actually happening. But before he can use his mind, the hands stop, the sound stops, and the person in the garage turns around to face him.

**He knows him, too.**

Lit up by the fluorescent lights, Josh Dun studies Tyler from across the garage. Tyler hasn't moved or looked away. He looks at him with the big, doe eyes, not sure if it's better to stay and wait for help, or to run even further and bury himself alive by the way.

Tyler doesn't see any recognition in his eyes, but he knows him well. He was staring at him the whole previous week and remembers all details of his face and not only face well.

Tyler is now remembering, that he probably looks like a different person. His always ghostly pale face is most probably covered by dark, pink blush, that appeared along with his sweat during the fast run. His white clothes illuminate his whole body, instead of making it drown in huge, black hoodie. He really regrets choosing the floral shirt this night, because he feels somewhat exposed. He won't make that mistake again.

The yellow-haired boy is skewering Tyler with those big, brown eyes, still looking at him so intensely, that they might impale a hole inside his head, like 2 days earlier on the school stairway.

He looks at Tyler the same way. Almost aggressively and pissed off. This is scary, but Tyler doesn't think he's going to do anything to him. They are in open area next to _his own house._ It's a weak spot.

He starts to spin his drumstick around with his fingers, without taking his eyes away from Tyler. Tyler focuses on his hands again, hoping, that breaking an eye contact would make the other one look away, but there's no use. Tyler feels his gaze everywhere, not only on his eyes. The tension is getting unbelievably thick, and if Tyler were somewhere inside, without a source of fresh air, he would suffocate. The thing the other guy does with the drumstick makes the situation even worse. The yellow-haired tries to make Tyler realize, that _he's_ in charge here. Well, obviously, it's _his_ garage. But tyler hates it.

"How do you know, where I live?" he finally breaks the violent silence, sounding annoyed. His words come out like an accusation.

Does he think Tyler just came here willingly? Of course he didn't know. Josh Dun's house would be the last thing on Earth he would think about whilst running away from raging darkness. However, he probably thinks Tyler is a stalker now.

Tyler's right hand tightens around the keys, and his left hand matches it, even though it's holding nothing. He probably looks like some maniac.

Josh's eyes drop down to Tyler's lower body for God knows which time, and then they return to his face. Tyler wonders, what he's seeing there.

"It's half past 2, do you want me to drive you home?" he asks again, much less harshly this time. Tyler's foot comes down harder than he means it to. If he had a list of the things Josh Dun might say to him in this situation, asking him, if he wanted a ride wouldn't have made it even to the end of the list.

No, Tyler's does not want a ride home, but he definitely needs one. He nods slowly and opens his mouth, before closing again, because he really wants to say something, even though he isn't sure, what exactly.

Josh puts his black drumsticks away on the table behind him, and climbs above the drum set to make it quicker to the door, that leads into the house, opening it enough to reach in and grab a set of keys that must have been hanging on the wall inside. He turns to close the door, but looks back in and pauses for a moment, as if he's listening for something. Tyler imagines he must be checking to see, if his parents are awake, but they probably aren't. They're probably asleep at this hour along with the rest of the civilized world. Except for him. And Josh Dun, who apparently likes to do music stuff in the dead of the night in his garage.

He leads Tyler to the only car parked in the driveway, which should actually be inside the garage, but isn't. It's a beautiful, shiny, black, big car. Tyler isn't a car person, but he is sure it cost much. Besides, everything in this yellow-haired guy is so clean and tidy, like his shoes, that for some reason have never got any dirt. Tyler even thought for a second, that he wears new shoes every day.

Tyler, without any command, opens the car door and climbs inside. The yellow-haired boy almost makes it to the car, before turning around and closing the garage doors, without switching the lights off. He's probably going to continue his work after he comes back.

A few seconds later, holding a water bottle in his hand, he climbs into the driver's seat. He seems very graceful doing it, like he was born climbing in and out of this car.

He offers the bottle to Tyler without hesitation, and Tyler looks at him with a questioning look. Then he is suddenly aware he came here with red face, fainting and gasping for air after a run. He takes a bottle out of his hand and looks at it. Tt's half empty. Tyler might feel embarrassed of drinking from the same bottle as this guy, or just of drinking when the other one is sitting near, but Tyler didn't think, how much he needed something to drink, until now.

He uncaps the bottle and begins to drink, slowly, not to show his desire for water to Josh, who secretly wants to see it going out from him. Obviously, it wouldn't be josh dun, if he didn't check Tyler out, looking at him as he drinks the last drops of water. What's with him and his staring? Is he fascinated by how Tyler drinks his water? Or he repays tyler's stares on the courtyard last week with his own?

He still looks at Tyler after he finishes drinking and puts the bottle on his lap. He doesn't start the car, either. Tyler is wondering, what he's waiting for, and thinking, that maybe wandering lost in the dark might not be the worst thing after all.

The realisation hits him upside the head a moment later, when he remembers, that Josh is not sitting here only to make him uncomfortable. He just doesn't know, where to go. There's nothing Tyler could write his address on in this car. It's the cleanest car he's ever seen.

Before Tyler can do the eye-pleading thing and hope, that Josh would understand, Josh reaches across the dashboard and pulls the GPS down and hands it to him. Tyler breathes out the air he's been collecting and types his address into the device. Finally.

The ride is ridiculously long. Josh doesn't make any sound, not even his breathing is audible. Tyler feels really terrible during the whole ride for having Josh drive him, but he also pays attention to everything on the way so he won't get lost again.

He pulls up in front of Debby's house, and before Tyler can even move to leave the car, he orders, "Sit," and opens the door on his side in hurry and jumps out of the car. What doesn't even feel like a second later, Josh opens door on Tyler's side, and that probably means he can move now. That shouldn't make tyler blush, but it does.

"Goodnight," he whispers after shutting the door. Tyler doesn't respond, just looks him in the eyes for the last time and heads to the gate.

Josh doesn't drive away until he sees a weak light appearing in one of the windows, which he assumes came from Tyler's room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how are you feeling? tell me, please, i appreciate every comment very much, i literally love checking my phone after i wake up and seeing somebody left a comment on my story. it's really sweet. ♡ 
> 
> any questions? ask, and we'll solve the problem.
> 
>  
> 
> **if you have some ideas for new stuff, prompts, whatever, hmu on tumblr[fairllyfloral](https://fairllyfloral.tumblr.com)**
> 
>  
> 
> i hope you have a good night. :)  
> -olivia


	6. seeking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how nice to see you here. :)

After last night's events, Tyler slept only for 4 hours, as he had managed to doze off at 3 a.m. It's still impressing, that he actually got some sleep, because the memories of that lit-up garage were pounding inside his head since he had entered the house.

They still are. It still is weird and uncomfortable for Tyler. why couldn't he run away the moment after he had realised, who was there? Why couldn't he make himself much less suspicious, instead of letting Josh come up with a possible thought of Tyler being a creep stalking him? Because, honestly, how else could he explain his own actions that week?

Tyler is conflicted. That stone face, not showing any emotion, and, on the contrary, those big brown eyes, showing all possible emotions at once, from anger to pity, still haunt him, but he can't let them go. Instead, he starts scribbling chaotic patterns in his notebook, making himself even more nervous and even more unsteady. He feels like he's jumping on his seat, he feels like he can burst in a minute, stand up and run out from the music classroom with a scream.

To be honest, he doesn't know, if it's from anger and helplessness, or if it's just a desire to never see Josh Dun again.

Tyler almost congratulates himself inside, that they at least don't have any classes together, but before he can even finish the thought, he has to look up from his notebook at the sound of door opening.

And yes.  
 _No._

It can't be. It's a dream. Why now? He still hasn't woken up properly. He closes his eyes tightly to forget the sight from his head. Why is he so unfortunate? Why can't it— _everything_ —just leave him alone already? He doesn't want to see, he over-exaggerates, but he doesn't want to see.

"It's my seat," he hears a voice, which can be perfectly examined in his head since last few days. It's the voice, that haunted him at night, and couldn't leave him alone in his dreams. It's the voice, that kind of threatened him, but later told him goodnight.

Tyler wants to stand up and run out from the music classroom with a scream.

He opens his eyes, realising he's been holding his breath this whole time.

In front of him stands nobody else, but Josh Dun, with his bright hair sticking out from his snapback, of course, and his perfectly clean clothes, of course, and with these eyes looking down at Tyler and waiting for some reaction from him. But what is he supposed to do? Get up? Move? He has no idea, where to move. A teacher told him to sit here last week. Josh wasn't here that day.

Tyler fights with himself, trying to decide, if he wants to stand up and move whenever, just not to be able to see Josh's gaze, or to continue staring at him and let him murder Tyler with his eyes. There are already other people watching them. It's not good.

Before Tyler can make his decision, the teacher calls Josh from the back of the room. Josh puts his stuff on his— Tyler's? table and rushes to the teacher. By that he's probably showing Tyler, that he's not going to give up, and he owns this place. The teacher is talking to Josh for a few minutes, and Tyler zones out completely.

Unfortunately, a few moments later he feels a pair of eyes on him again. The teacher looks in Tyler's direction, and then at Josh, still talking to him. Josh turns his face to Tyler. Tyler can't stand it anymore. Josh doesn't seem like he's going to get Tyler his way, and he doesn't want to give him that satisfaction, so he gets up and moves to another table.

There's only one seat left, right behind Brendon, and next to some red-haired girl. Tyler doesn't want to sit beside anyone, because it would be too awkward for him and for the person stuck sitting with him, but right now he actually has no choice anymore.

He walks really slowly to a table with a pathetic hope, than nobody will notice him, but before he can approach the table, he can feel another body behind his back, probably wanting him to move faster and get out of the way.

Tyler turns around. Josh comes back to his seat and stares dully at the ground, still walking slowly behind Tyler, but without telling him to hurry up. Instead, he decides to whisper so quietly probably only Tyler manages to hear him, "I didn't tell you to move."

Tyler raises his eyebrows and has no idea, what that would mean, because for this whole time Josh has kept everyone for a distance and looked at everybody who had looked at him with a mortal glare, and besides, Tyler is not willing to obey him.

Tyler shakes his head and eventually takes a seat beside that girl, praying, that she won't run away from him, nor take him as some psycho, even though she doesn't have any evidence. However, she doesn't seem to have any problem with another person occupying a place next to her.

Then Brendon turns around on his chair and takes a look at Tyler. "There's a party tonight at Pete Wentz's. Do you want to go?" he asks.

A party? That's definitely not, what Tyler was expecting. Brendon didn't throw any dumb sexual comment as he usually does, no matter who he has a talk with, so Tyler is mildly surprised. But then again, a party? Tyler is the last person, who would actually go and enjoy some party. Then why? Tyler, of all those people, who are friends with known-by-everyone Brendon? Tyler still doesn't understand, what Brendon actually wants from him, that he sticks around him almost every day and isn't going to leave him alone.

He probably didn't invite Tyler, because the boy is some social butterfly, or entertains people with his sparkling humor.

Tyler immediately wants to shake his head, but then realizes, why not? Brendon is actually the only person here, who doesn't scare Tyler, and who, despite his annoying and loud personality, Tyler is able to eventually handle. Despite flirting with most of humans he faces in the hallway, and dumping even more, than he managed to sleep with, which could be impossible, making them fuming with hatred towards him every time they are seeing each other in the hallway again, Tyler likes him.

He has never made Tyler feel like a piece of garbage, who didn't even deserve its place inside a bin, like most of people in his life make him feel.

Brendon is funny, and maybe that's what Tyler needs the most in his life right now. Some fun. He would never agree to anything heavy, but a little fun will never do any harm.

A party. Sure. Tyler nods after a huge amount of time he spared for his consideration, and Brendon's eyes widen. He gives Tyler a surprised look. Tyler is surprised of his response as well, but then he nods again.

"Of course you would say yes," he says with a smile. "I'll pick you up at nine?" he asks.

Tyler nods and Brendon gives him hurriedly some piece of sticky note. Tyler writes his address down, and gives it back to Brendon, hesitating, if he really trusts him enough to tell him his address. It's too late.

Nothing worse can happen anyway.

Right after Tyler comes back from school, he can see Debby sitting by the kitchen table and painting her nails green. He sinks on a chair in front of her and grabs his backpack to put it on his lap. She still seems like she hasn't noticed him yet, even though it's obvious, so Tyler pulls out his sticky note with a text he wrote down in school earlier and sticks it on a wooden surface of the table in front of his aunt's eyes;

_"Can I go to a party tonight?"_

Debby frowns in confusion, stopping in her tracks, and reads the note quickly. She looks up at the boy and says naturally, "Why not?"

Tyler stares at her trying to understand her expression, because that was exactly, what Tyler had been thinking in school. Exactly, why not?

But she just smiles and goes back to painting her nails. "Of course you can go to a party. But I can't believe you are serious right now."

Tyler raises his eyebrows to ask for the explanation, but Debby isn't even looking at him, so he just has to wait until she speaks again.

"Your mom would be proud of you," she says and Tyler feels a clutch in his stomach. His mother would be proud? Of what? of Tyler destroying her life, or of him finally moving on? "I'll never expect you wanting to go to a party, but that's great! That's really great. I'm glad you're going."

Tyler has always known life with Debby was easy, but not _that_ easy. She just agreed on letting Tyler go to a party, not caring what party, where, and with who. knowing Tyler's luck he could even get beaten up, or lost, or raped, or poisoned. letting Tyler go anywhere is a huge risk. But no, she thinks that it's completely great, so Tyler is nobody to complain about it.

"Just don't... I don't know, just control yourself, because I have work at night and won't be able to drive you back home."

And these are her final words.

Tyler goes upstairs to his room to fall onto his bed face-down and think. Not about his life in general this time. He's thinking about what he agreed too. He doesn't regret confirming to Brendon he'd go to the party, he's just afraid. He's never been to one, but is certain, what typical high school students are like, and he's for sure not one of them. Far from it.

But maybe going out might actually make him look cooler and decrease the amount of nasty stares in his direction, even though they will never disappear completely.

He _will not_ interact with people. Then what will he do? Look at them? Dance? Follow them? Stalk them? Smile? Who will even be there? Is Brendon going only with Tyler? No, that's impossible. And that makes tyler sick.

Nothing worse can happen anyway.

But what will he wear? There are really many elegant, formal clothes in his closet, but he is never going to put them on his body again. They hold too many bad memories of Tyler being Tyler, that is not here anymore. It makes him sick, too, but that's exactly how it has to be.

There's only one black button-up shirt, that is appropriate to wear to a party, and that Tyler is not afraid to wear. He had to have at least a new one, just in case. His mother loved, when he worn these in the past, and even if she wouldn't, he had to. Now he doesn't have to. Everything is gone.

Tyler spends a few hours playing games on his phone and looking at himself in the mirror. The longer he sees himself, the more he doesn't like, what he's seeing.

Unfortunately, the audible knock on the door interrupts his thoughts, and there is no coming back now. He looks at himself for the last time. He looks funny. All black from head to toe, just his pale face standing out from the rest. But it's now or never.

He opens the door to see no one else but Brendon, standing in front of him all tall and happy, speaking out immediately without any hesitation, "You live alone in this house? Sick." He stares everywhere around him, and tries to perceive the smallest details inside the house behind Tyler's back.

Tyler pulls out his phone and types something nervously, but quickly, and shows the message to Brendon;

_"No, my aunt is sleeping. She has a night shift in hospital. Be quiet."_

"Oh, cool." Brendon smiles. "Are you ready?"

Tyler nods and grabs his keys from the floor and leaves the house, closing the door behind him and checking a few times, if it's actually closed, even though Debby's still in the house.

"You look really good," Brendon tells Tyler, when they get inside his car. Tyler rolls his eyes at how smooth Brendon always is, but corners of his mouth rise a little and he nods knowingly.

Despite Tyler's lack of will to keep the conversation going, Brendon doesn't care, and takes his time on telling Tyler stories of his life from previous house parties. Tyler doesn't mind and half listens, half sticks his gaze to a hypnotising road.

"Is it okay if I play music?" he asks. "I hate driving in silence, but if you don't like it, it's fine."

So, Brendon isn't that kind of a dick he created himself into. But Tyler is okay with music right now. He already got used to Debby listening to loud music and singing in her car. He even enjoys it.

He nods to Brendon and a moment after music from the radio fills the whole car. Brendon keeps turning the volume up and looks at Tyler again, but he just raises his thumb up, so Brendon can even have his music as loud as he wants to. 

"Cheer up, Tyler!" he tries to outshout the song. "Pete and his friends can be real assholes, but as long as you're with me, you're good." Tyler doesn't know, if it's a positive or negative information. Turns out he will have to act like a lost puppy and follow Brendon everywhere he goes. She won't know anybody else there anyway.

Before they arrive to the right place, big grey house, which looks perfect for big parties, and which seems suspicious for a teenager to have it in his own hands alone, Brendon gives a lift a few of his friends from the other side of the city. 

Loud, muffled music rings in Tyler's ears, there are many people at the front porch and many cars crowding the pavement. One guy, who tyler assumes is Pete, approaches them and shouts from the distance, "Brendon! Of course you came. Why so late?"

"Hi, dude. It's always boring in the beginning, even at yours."

They walk together into the house, but before they manage to head inside, Pete turns to Tyler, "And who are you?"

Brendon responds, "This is Tyler. Don't touch him, or I'll rip your head off."

Pete stops and laughs at both of them, and Tyler suddenly wants to run away and bury his head in his pillow and shout. "Tyler can't speak for himself?"

Brendon looks at him, annoyed. "I'm serious, Pete. fuck off this time, you've had enough lately."

"You? Being serious? Are you hearing yourself, Brendon?"

Brendon huffs a breath and looks away, leaving Pete behind. "He's new. Don't make him regret coming here."

"Okay, cool. I just wanted to know." Pete raises his arms to show, that he gives up, and Brendon leads Tyler to the house, who is suddenly hit by awfully small amount of fresh air inside, that it makes hard to breathe by nose first.

The sound of music and shouting and cutting glass, the smell of alcohol and smoke, the sight of people crowding the kitchen and couches.

Exactly what Tyler was expecting.

Tyler obviously isn't going to drink, or do anything what those crazy teens here do, and he has no idea, if Brendon is going to, but he hopes he's aware, that he has to drive Tyler home later, because Tyler totally doesn't know the area to go back by himself.

Hours are spent by watching people getting drunk and getting kissed and having fun dancing, that doesn't even seem like dancing, but Tyler isn't a dance person, so he doesn't know. He wonders, what all of this feels in person, and takes note, that unfortunately he will ever experience that himself.

He sits in silence listening to Brendon and being surrounded by his group of friends, which consists of boys and girls different age, drinking weird liquid from plastic cubs and sometimes thin glasses, and nods, when it's necessary. For some reason nobody minds, that he just exists on this couch, not actually confirming it and giving any sings of life, but blinking his eyes or staring at his phone, until now.

"Why are you so sad, hmm?"

Pete. Well, his presence makes Tyler even worse. He's louder than everybody else in this room, and throws disgusting jokes at them every five minutes. And Tyler thought, that Brendon was bad.

His voice is raspy and low and makes Tyler uncomfortable; that kind of a voice, that makes you afraid, when you hear it late night on the street.

If he thinks Tyler is going to give him any kind of an answer, he has really high hopes.

Nobody answers, and Brendon takes one glass from some girl's grasp, before she yells in his ear, "Hey, you're driving!"

"I'm sober like never before. A little bit won't do any harm," he responds.

Then Tyler remembers, that he's also driving him home, and, despite everything, he doesn't want to end his life in a few hours because of car crash, so he unblocks his phone again and shows a text to Brendon;

_"Can we leave? You can come back here later, but I don't feel good and should probably go home."_

Brendon reads the text quickly. "Already?" he asks. Tyler nods. "Okay, sure. I'm also giving my sister a ride in a few, there," he points to the blue-haired girl, Ashley, standing by the window. Tyler didn't see her here before. "So you can just wait a little bit longer, and I will drive you both back home, okay?"

 _Just don't drink_ , Tyler thinks, but nods his head, and leans on the couch, hugging himself, to wait another minutes to clear his head from all the noise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *nervous laughter*
> 
> it was such a boring chapter, i apologize, but despite all, a necessary chapter, because what will happen next? who knows?
> 
> thank you for reading, friends, of course. you are the most important here and seeing you leaving kudos and comments makes me such a happy person, even though it's hard to make me smile these days. thank you! ♡ 
> 
> if you can, please, leave a comment below, and tell me, what are your thoughts or eventual questions. :)
> 
>  **and yes, i have tumblr, and i'm open for your ideas.[fairllyfloral](https://fairllyfloral.tumblr.com)**.
> 
> that's it, thank you again! until the next time, i hope you will still be with me. ♡  
> \- olivia


	7. sweetheart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title can get you excited.

It's almost midnight, when Josh's intense thinking about a new drum beat to the song he's going to play, interrupts a sound of a car entering his driveway, and the sight of exactly Brendon's car.

Josh is not surprised anymore, why Brendon decided to appear right here so late. He always comes back drunk from parties, too scared to come back to his own house, as Josh is the only one who always stays home. Josh puts his pencil down on a desk and looks at Brendon, who gets out of the car and walks towards the garage.

"Dude, I need your help."

Josh sighs. "Of course," he murmurs.

"I need you to take Tyler."

Josh raises his eyebrows and looks at Brendon expectantly. "Take Tyler? Where?" Brendon doesn't respond, just stares at him, hoping, that Josh would understand. Fortunately, or unfortunately, Josh begins to know, what's going on. "No, Brendon. No way."

"Josh, come on," Brendon pleads, and with that Josh stands up and approaches the car. He opens the passenger door to see a small, dark figure curled up helplessly on a front seat. The same figure, that ran into his household in the middle of the night yesterday. "I can't take him home, when he's like... that."

Josh looks up at Brendon and whispers loudly, "What have you done to him?"

"Nothi—"

"Is he even conscious?" Josh snaps. He's never cared, what Brendon was doing with his friends at house parties; that was and that still is none of his business, what condition they were in, and how Brendon managed to bring them home before midnight. Now it's a serious case, if he decided to bring a boy to Josh. He is ready do punch Brendon in the face, hard.

"No," he says, still staring at Josh with a dull expression, already being aware of the seriousness of the situation. He knows Josh isn't going to obey easily. He never does. However, there's always time to try. They stay like that, Brendon blinking in Josh's direction, and Josh giving him a mortal glare. He needs to know his actions have consequences. "He just drank too much."

Josh sighs. "What did he drink?"

Brendon avoids Josh's eyes and answers quickly, "Flame throwers."

Josh's eyes widen.

"F—what? Which of you fuckers gave him that shit to drink?" he interrupts. His voice begins to be much louder, than it is allowed in the neighbourhood in the middle of the night. Brendon only rolls his eyes, and Josh already knows the answer. What an idiot. Josh is used to Brendon's weird ideas, especially, when he's drunk, but right now he apparently isn't drunk, and this exceed his expectations. A flame thrower is grain alcohol mixed with cherry Kool-Aid. He might as well have chloroformed that boy. "What were you thinking?!"

He crouches down to observe the boy still giving no sign of life, and touches his arm. Nothing. He shushes his voice, "He weights, like, fifty pounds. You are insane."

"Yes, dad. I know, right? I didn't know he wouldn't handle it."

"Does he look like somebody who drinks to stay alive, like you?" Josh asks, touching the boys hair, and examining, what condition he is in. 

"He looked so sad all the time. We wanted to cheer him up."

"I fucking hate you," Josh growls and stands up. The boy is really small and fragile-looking, and Josh has no idea, what came into Brendon's mind to even take him to that party, if he wasn't going to look after him. Josh knows exactly, how house parties at Brendon's friends' look like.

At the same time, the boy is a mystery for him. He always passes him at the same time of the day, always wearing the same black clothes, and not the memorable floral shoes anymore, always patiently undergoing every whisper directed to his face. He is like an optical illusion. You look at it from one angle, seeing the picture, and you think you've got a lock on it, and then it shifts, and the image changes to something entirely different.

"Josh," Brendon begins again. Josh rolls his eyes and looks at him. "Ashley is already home, and if _I_ come home late again, my mom will murder me."

The funny thing is, no matter how badass Brendon tries to look like, he's the biggest momma's boy and always has to come back home from no matter where he decides to go until exactly midnight.

"None of my business, dude."

Brendon looks as if he would burst into tears in two seconds. Josh knows he's winning again, and he would pay good money to watch Brendon finally get nailed for something. His mom is the sweetest woman on Earth, but there's unfortunately one person, who can piss her off like no one else, and he's standing in front of Josh, begging for a stay of execution.

Josh sighs. "Why would _I_ take him?"

"Because you are my best friend?" he says with a hope, but already knows, that Josh won't say _no._ He knew it, when he came here. They are best friends. Josh never says _no_ to Brendon. "There's nobody in his house right now, Josh." Josh says nothing. "Okay, if you have so big problem with that, I can take him home, I don't know, but please, hurry up, cause I'm already late—"

"No, no, no, you aren't taking him anywhere anymore. I don't trust you."

Brendon smiles and pats Josh on the back, looking down at Tyler to check, how he's doing. "I love you, man. That's what best friends are for."

"You are so lucky there is that one person, who always helps your weak ass, when you're in need."

He opens the car door wide, and tries to wake up the boy and maybe ask, how he's feeling, or if he needs a ride home, but he doesn't even flinch. Josh looks up at Brendon again, and he only shrugs in response.

He straightens the boy's legs and puts one arm under his knees and slides another one behind his back, and lifts him up, carefully, to not get hit by the car door. He straightens himself, to carry him properly, and he's not surprised, when he doesn't actually need so much force to keep the boy in his arms. He looks at Brendon to close the car door, but that one only smiles at the sight, and Josh reaches his leg to kick him.

Then, the boy moves lightly and snuggles his head to Josh's chest, tickling Josh on the neck with his hair, and purring quietly.

"Shit, Brendon," Josh murmurs.

"I know," Brendon responds, exhaling slowly and leaning against his car.

Josh doesn't look at him anymore. He walks to his garage and heads to the house without saying goodbye. He's pissed off enough, and to addition, he has a weight in his arms.

He kicks the door with his foot and turns the light on with his shoulder, glad, that the boy is still sleeping, or whatever he is doing. He isn't ready to face him right now, and talk with him, about what happened. Or, more like, talk _to_ him.

He walks into the living room and lays the boy gently on the couch, cursing himself, when he makes some soft noise.

Despite the situation, his clothes and hair are clean. If he lost his consciousness first, Josh doesn't want to think about other side effects, which might happen later.

He stares at the boy, dressed rather elegantly, in black button-up shirt, different than that big hoodie he wears every single day. Still, everything on his body is black. He looks perfectly calmly, to his surprise, as if he was sleeping soundly. He sometimes blinks his eyes still closed, and the lighting in the room causes, that his eyelashes make long shadows on his rosy—the only bright-coloured feature on his pale skin—cheeks.

Josh isn't sure, if it's okay to leave him alone here for the whole night. Josh may spend a few hours in his garage every night, but it doesn't mean he doesn't need his own, well-deserved sleep. Brendon took it away from him tonight.

Josh has no idea, what to do. He definitely isn't going to come back to the garage, but if he went to sleep, the boy could wake up any time without his knowledge, and begin to panic, or do some damage.

There is another couch opposite, and he could sleep there eventually. Devote his sleep and comfort for some stranger brought around by your friend? He already gave this boy a shelter to be that kind of a dick and leave him alone and let him do some dumb stuff again.

Why did he agree to this? The more time he spares for overthinking, the more he begins running around the house and getting nervous. He doesn't want to know, what will face him in the morning.

He falls asleep.

****

...

****

**  
**

Tyler opens his eyes with a great difficulty. There is a unusual light blinding his eyes and some weird material under his hip. He tries to figure out, where he is, but he really has no clue, and the panic starts rising inside his body. His head is pounding, and the universe is spinning. He can't lay his eyes on one thing.

He is here, but it doesn't feel, like he is here.

He lifts his hand to his forehead and presses, trying to relieve some of the pounding, as he attempts to sit up, but without an effort. He's laying on a couch. And this couch is unfamiliar.

As soon as he remembers, he is wishing he could forget.

"Good morning, sweetheart." The sudden voice startles him, that he almost flinches in surprise. He turns around with a big pain coming from his spine, caused probably by uncomfortable sleeping position, and his breath stops in his throat.

Josh Dun, standing in front of him, leaning on a door frame with his arms crossed, and that identical glare disguising his face. If Tyler wasn't panicking before, he for sure is now.

Dozens of questions suddenly begin to stuff his head. Why is _he_ right here? Whose house is this? It can't be the house he came to in the first place yesterday. It's too clean and empty. Tyler didn't see Josh at the party. Yes, the party. He remembers the party. But why is _he_ right here? Why is he so cheery? Tyler's eyes are huge staring at Josh; he's ready to get up and run away this second, but his limbs refuse even standing up. This guy still fills Tyler mostly with fear.

"I'm glad you're awake. I was starting to worry, that you might be sick for some reason, you know, from all that throwing up last night."

Tyler winces and breaks the eye contact from embarrassment. He has no idea, what was happening a few hours ago, and, most importantly, how did he end up _here._

Josh notices Tyler's conflicted expression, and immediately starts to explain. "Don't you worry your pretty little head over it. I was kidding. But I was really surprised, that you handled that gross liquid so lightly and only collapsed unconscious. Still, I had to sleep on a couch, and wake up five times at night to check on you, 'cause I thought you could die right here, and I would murder Brendon, if that happened in my house."

Then, the last thing Tyler remembers is being with Brendon at an overcrowded party, scared and wandering around the house, and catching glances of random people, each of them looking suspicious. He was waiting for Brendon to give him a ride home and Brendon's friends kept waving the glass in front of his face and talking to him, but Tyler hadn't come there to talk, nor to try drinking any alcohol. He came to have fun. Brendon seemed funny. So he listened to him, when Brendon applied a glass to his mouth.

For some reason Tyler ended up in Josh's house; he wants to know why, and how, but Josh is getting even at him right now, and he's apparently having much fun doing it. That's the side of Josh tyler hasn't seen yet; angry, but sarcastic and mocking dad.

He's still hasn't stopped talking, but Tyler actually stopped listening to him a few moments ago, even though his voice is ringing loud in his ears. He's talking about how lucky Tyler is, that he's a boy and has short hair, because Josh wouldn't have to hold his hair, if he decided to empty the content from his stomach at night. He recommends pony tails for drunk ladies. Great. But that wasn't _Tyler's_ fault. 

Josh is obviously annoyed, but why shouldn't he be? It's Tuesday morning, and he's up with a strange boy on his couch, not able to even leave and go to school. Tyler still wants to know, what happened, that he's in Josh's house—is it even _his_ house?—and on his couch, and this question haunts him.

But then he forgets about his misery, when Josh heads to the kitchen and comes back with a glass of ice water, which Tyler desperately needs right now. He looks at the glass in his hand, as Josh offers it to him. It's some really short piece of glass. Is Josh some sort of conservationist, who tries to save water at all costs? Tyler is going to need about eighteen of those glasses right now.

He takes it, gratefully bringing it up to his lips, and immediately gulping it down, when he feels a sudden sting in his throat, and a tear start welling in his eye, but he isn't crying. It obviously is some kind of alcohol, and it tastes gross. Vodka? Forr a second, Tyler questions, how some people like to drink this disgusting liquid.

He spits it out and starts retching. He doesn't want to live, the taste on his tongue is burning him alive, and he looks up at Josh, trying to found out, why he would be so cruel.

"Shit! I didn't think you'd actually drink it. Sorry." Josh grabs the glass out of Tyler's hand and puts it on a table. What was he thinking Tyler was going to do with it, when he offered it to him? "It was a joke. Obviously a shitty one," he mutters under his breath and goes to the kitchen again and returns with a towel. Tyler wonders how he's going to explain all of this to his parents. It's a miracle they aren't out here already.

Tyler feels insanely guilty and gets down on the floor, grabbing the towel out of Josh's grasp and wiping the floor. It was Josh's fault this time, but Tyler doesn't want to owe him anything else.

He cleans the floor, cursing himself, how he must look like right now. Most probably like a failure. He feels Josh hovering above him, probably rethinking Tyler's humiliation, and he doesn't want to look up and see his face, but he has to finally stand up from the floor, as it isn't wet anymore.

Tyler doesn't realize he started looking at Josh, but he's staring at him, wondering, what his own face must betray at the moment, because he doesn't see, what he was expecting. Far from it.

Josh is smiling at him.

And it isn't a fake, pitiful smile. At least it doesn't look like it. Tyler doesn't know. He's never seen Josh smile. He always wears the same unchanging expression at school, looking like he's ready to kill everyone, who rains on his parade, especially Tyler. But not right now.

He looks differently, the smile lights up his whole face, his eyes are shining from the sun peeking through the curtain, and his yellow hair only complements it.

But josh is not done playing with Tyler yet. "You want to tell me to fuck off right now, don't you, sweetheart?" Tyler raises his eyebrows. His heart skips a beat. Sweetheart? He still looks up at him, sitting on the floor, as Josh is standing and smiling wickedly at him. "What? Sweetheart? It fits you. Or sunshine. It's warm, and happy, and bright, just like you."

Tyler doesn't know, if he's serious, but apparently not, and that's when he loses it. He can't help it. As bad as he is feeling right now, and as stupid as he is looking like, as angry as he is at myself, at Brendon, at Josh Dun, and awful alcohol drinks, the ridiculousness of this whole situation slams into him all at once, and for the first time in forever, he bursts into series of bubbly giggles.

It sounds weird and too breathy, but Tyler immediately feels better, and he wouldn't stop it even if he tried anyway. Josh looks at him stupidly with his mouth opened, before slowly starting to laugh with him for a little while, then turning completely silent and watching Tyler with confusion. Tyler is confused, too. He probably looks like an insane person. He may probably really surprised him. You won, Josh Dun.

He kneels in front of Tyler and takes the towel from him, disappearing in the kitchen once again, and that's when Tyler has the first chance to study the room. It's big, but really simple. There isn't much in it, that could be modern. However, it seems expensive and decorated with a taste. Everything is very clean here.

When Josh comes back, he's holding a big bottle, which should be a water bottle, as Tyler assumes, but Tyler is not so sure this time, when it comes to Josh. In the other hand, there is a packet of Ibuprofen. He hands it to Tyler.

"It's water." Tyler looks at him skeptically. Josh feels bad after all for making him think that way. "For real this time, I promise."

Tyler drinks half of the bottle, which is really much for him, but not so much for a condition he's in. However, Josh without a word grabs the pills and goes to the kitchen. Then he comes back and says, "Drink a bit more, or everything, if you can," and Tyler has literally no idea, why Josh cares so much, because it seems, like he asks him to do it for Tyler's own good, so no matter, how unhappy he is, he lifts the bottle to his mouth again.

Josh realizes, that no matter what, Tyler probably desperately wants to finally get out from here and come back home, come back to sleep in his own bed without anyone watching him.

He looks up at the clock. It's nearly 11 a.m. Tyler slept long, but he could have expected that. "Are you good enough to go home?"

Tyler looks at him terrified, immediately standing up and looking down at his clothes and hands. He looks okay, but he probably isn't good enough, though.

Josh walks to the door and puts on his shoes and drabs keys before opening the door. Tyler is still standing, where he was standing, and only observes him. "Are you good enough to walk to the car?"

Tyler nods, but Josh doesn't see him, and that's when he realizes, that he's been wearing shoes for the whole time. He was sleeping with his shoes on. Josh didn't touch him to remove anything.

They leave the house by the door leading to a garage, a big garage, which could fit two cars, but there is only one, the same, shiny black car, and a drumkit opposite. Josh opens the car door for Tyler to get inside.

He doesn't say anything. He doesn't need directions to Tyler's house this time. For some reason, he remembers them well, considering, that he'd never been in that area before.

He drops him off at Debby's, thirty minutes early before she comes back from her night shift in hospital.

Tyler thinks about the fact, that he let him sleep on his couch, when Brendon obviously dumped him there. He brought him painkillers and stood over him while he forced him to drink a big amount of water so he wouldn't get dehydrated. He drove him back home the other night, when Tyler found himself in front of his house. 

There's nothing shiny or sweet about Tyler, but after last night, no matter, if Josh is mocking him, or he's completely serious, even though it's highly debatable, he can call Tyler whatever he likes. And that's what he does.

"Get well soon, sweetheart."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *nervous laughter continues*
> 
> but what do you guys think? tell me, please! i'm probably annoying and i bet you're completely done with those notes, but i'm really excited to read your opinion and your view of this story, so a comment will mean a lot. :)
> 
> i have sleep deprivation again, but what's new.
> 
>  
> 
>  **and i have tumblr, so i appreciate ideas.[fairllyfloral](https://fairllyfloral.tumblr.com)**.
> 
> i hope you liked it! i might not go to sleep, but you should! rest well! :) ♡


	8. emancipation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a small warning, because there are mentions of violence further in the chapter, but nothing heavy of course, just mentions, don't be afraid.

Brendon runs into Josh at school before the first bell. As much, as Josh still doesn't have a mood to talk to him, he isn't quick enough to walk away, because Brendon taps his back.

"What's up?"

Josh rolls his eyes and shoves a middle finger onto his face. Brendon tried to call Josh yesterday after school, but Josh hadn't been going to answer, and he didn't, no matter, how many times his phone had buzzed. It would be different, if Brendon was actually concerned what had happened to Tyler, or whether he was alright or not, but he just wanted to know, if Tyler was pissed off at him. Josh didn't give him that satisfaction and didn't tell him. He hoped Tyler was really pissed off at Brendon. He should be.

Brendon doesn't care and asks, "My mom was at yours today morning, yeah?"

"Yes, she was," Josh grunts.

"What did she want?"

Josh rolls his eyes once again. Brendon is the real pain in the ass, and he never realizes that. How is it possible? "What do you think she wanted? She brought some food, asked about my love life, complained about you. That's it." Brendon nods.

"Yeah, you know, how my mom can sometimes be," he smirks at Josh.

"What?" Josh raises his eyebrows in fake confusion. "She's ten times better than you. I can't believe you are her son."

"Shut up, Josh." They walk in silence in one direction, looking at full of life students hurrying to their classes. Unlike them, Josh and Brendon walk as slowly as it's possible in a crowded hallway. "What about Tyler?" Brendon asks finally, turning to Josh.

"What about Tyler? He brought me cookies this morning, before your mom came."

"Cookies? Man..." Brendon mumbles.

"Yes, cookies. Homemade. I found them at my door early morning. I guess it was some kind of apology, or something. At least he tried to apologize in some way, in comparison to you."

"He doesn't want to talk to me," Brendon tells him with a smile, and Josh wonders, what's so funny. That he was acting like a dick and made somebody angry? Congratulations. Besides, Tyler doesn't talk.

"Of course. Leave him alone," Josh says.

"Are you still pissed at me, too?" Brendon asks.

"Pissed? _At you?_ Not at all."

"Great." He smiles stupidly not even aware Josh wasn't serious. "Come on, I dropped off at your house some really cute boy, unconscious, who doesn't talk. That's like a gift."

Josh stops walking to look at him, wondering, yet again, why they are friends. He knows him well enough to know, that he's not being serious right now. Brendon is an ass and a whore, but he's not a complete douchebag. Still, he can't help but call him on it. He deserves it this time.

"Well, sorry then," Josh apologizes with an utter lack of conviction, and keeps walking. "I thought you were just asking me to clean up your mess, but I didn't realize you were being that _great friend_ and giving me an unresponsive boy to fuck. Next time, be a little clearer for me, so I don't miss such a golden opportunity." He can't hide the sarcasm in his tone and he isn't even trying to.

"You know I was kidding," Brendon at least sounds, like he's feeling bad. "I left him with you, because I knew he would be safe with you and you wouldn't do anything to him."

Now he makes Josh look like he's some saint, but that is true, and they both know it. "He doesn't know that. He probably thinks you did exactly what you said you did; dumped him with some strange guy without even thinking, what would happen to him."

"Something bad happened?"

"Can you shut the fuck up?" Josh raises his voice. "Now you suddenly care? I thought you didn't give a shit, when you ran into my garage, and when _I_ carried him to my house, and _I_ was considering ten times, what I could do with him, and when _I_ kept waking up at night to check on him. Do you want to know, what happened? He slept. Long. He woke up. I gave him pills and took him home. That's it."

"Dude..." Brendon sighs. "You didn't have to shout. But I owe you much."

"You have no idea." Josh turns left and heads to a classroom, leaving Brendon alone without a word. He can see Tyler sitting in a corner of the room with his arms cuddled around his hoodie-covered chest. Josh doesn't say anything, doesn't approach him; he did what he had to do, and it's time to forget about it.

"Hey, Josh!" he hears, exactly at the moment, when he tries to ignore any conversation. "Is it true you got emancipated?"

That's Patrick. Josh doesn't like him so much. He always asks everyone questions and wants to know everything.

Josh nods, but says nothing.

"So that means that you are free and can do whatever the hell you want?"

"Apparently so." He turns around and sits on a chair behind him. "Of course, I can't murder anyone, so it has its limits," he adds dryly, not looking up. He has to stifle his own smile, especially when Patrick keeps going, completely oblivious to the innuendo.

"That's awesome. I'd be having parties every night," he says, and Josh rolls his eyes. The kid has no idea, that Josh has nothing to say to him anymore, and would prefer, if he turned back to mind his own business.

"Yes, sick," Josh answers with a hope, that Patrick will finally leave him alone. "Nobody cares, what I do anyway."

On the other side of the room, Tyler is listening to the whole conversation whilst looking at his notebook, and wonders, what it is about. He can't ask anybody about anything, but what does it mean, that Josh got emancipated? Why? Are his parents abusive? Dead? In jail? Out of the country?

Josh can see expressions of all people in the room without looking. Usually everyone ignores him, but the times, when they don't, are worse. Like now. You either get the ignorant crap spewed by dumb kids like Patrick, or you get the stares titled; _Sucks to be you._

The girls are the worst. They keep trying to get him by acting pitiful. Brendon says he should use it to his advantage; that he should at least get something out of being such a tragic figure, but Josh doesn't need anybody to be sorry for him.

The adults are even worse, because they love to make their dumb comments about how well Josh is doing; how well adjusted he has become, and how well he handles everything. As if they have any clue. The only thing he has learned to do well is avoid everything and everyone, but if they would rather believe it's all good, then they can go ahead and keep lying to themselves.

The same thing is with the teachers. If Josh wants to get out of almost any assignment, he can play the death card. It makes everyone uncomfortable, so they do just about anything he wants to get him to go away, so they can pretend it didn't happen. They convince themselves, that they've done their good deed, but that's such a pathetic thought.

People started looking the other way and avoiding his gaze a long time ago. He did, too.

When Josh was eight he went to a soccer game with his dad. Once a month his mom and dad would split up and take either both of his little sisters, or him out for the day. One month he would go with his dad, and Ash and Abbie would go with mom, and the next month they would switch.

It was Josh's turn to go with mom, but since that was when the soccer game was, he begged her to go with dad instead.

The game was really good. The father and son ate too much, shouted too much, and laughed too much. It was the last happy day of Josh's life.

He fell asleep in the car on the way home. His dad woke him up, when they arrived home, but he ended up carrying Josh into the house anyway, because he was too exhausted. He fell asleep immediately again.

When he woke up, he didn't have a mother and two sisters anymore.

A truck delivering soda drove right over the car his mom was driving.

Josh still can't forgive myself, that they switched that day.

He and his father ended up having more money from the trucking company than they would ever need. Their lawyers said it was a generous settlement. Josh's dad's lawyers said it was fair. Fair compensation for his mother's life and his dead little sisters. But that day Josh lost his father, too. Something in him broke, shattered, melted, changed completely.

Josh doesn't have a sister to argue with, or a mother to talk to, or a father to build things with. But he has millions of nearly untouched dollars in bank accounts, and life is so very fucking fair.

Josh makes it to art class literally a second before a bell, and sits at an half empty table in the back, next to an artist kid named Troye. He, on the other hand, is okay, and always minds his own business.

Josh is not that great, when it comes to drawing. He is terrible, not amazing. Troye is amazing. He can do things with a sketchbook and a pencil, that Josh wishes he could do with his drums.

"What are you drawing?" Josh asks out of boredom. Troye won't mind anyway.

" _Who_ , not what," he corrects. That's true. Troye rarely draws anything other than people's faces. He's obsessed with human faces.

It's almost scary, how realistic his drawings look. Josh has seen him make even the plainest, most uninspiring face, interesting, in ways he doesn't have words for. He is jealous of his talent. If he didn't have something of his own to love like that, he would be insanely jealous.

Troye drags a photograph from under his sheet and passes it back to Josh with a grin on his face, like he knows something Josh doesn't. Josh takes the picture out of his hands and looks down at it. He isn't sure, who he expected it to be, but it certainly wasn't the boy, whose face he's looking at now.

However, he's not surprised. If there's an interesting face in this school, it's Tyler Joseph's. Josh stares at the picture a second longer than he should. The boy is not directly facing the camera and it must have been zoomed in on him, because it's not that well focused, and it's obvious, that he didn't know the picture was being taken.

"Why him?" Josh asks.

"Why not? Have you seen his face? It's insane, his features are perfect. I can't believe I finally got to draw a person like him. If it turns out good, I will never have to draw another guy again."

Josh wants to tell him he's hundred percent right, but his tired face in this picture is nothing compared to how he's looking like when he laughs and looks at Josh. That's what Josh would like to have a portrait of.

"Okay, but where do you have this picture from?"

"Melanie."

Right, Melanie. She always sits with Troye on stairs with her camera during long break. Josh hasn't seen her without that camera in her hand, or hanging around her neck.

"She took it one day on courtyard, when he wasn't looking."

"I wouldn't think he was your type," Josh tells him. Troye is a watcher, too. He observes people more, than he should. He doesn't pick a random stranger to draw. He looks at people, when they don't know about it, and he sees many things normal people don't see, and that's so scary.

He frowns and looks almost offended, but answers after all, "I don't have to want people by my dick. Just by my pencil."

Josh laughs. "I would kick your ass, if I were him."

"A lot of people want to kick my ass," he responds nonchalantly, as if it's just a sad fact.

It's true, that a lot of the assholes in this school want to kick the crap out of him for some reason, but they never do. They still talk bad things about him, but nobody's laid a hand on Troye since eighth grade, and he and Josh both know why.

When half of Josh's family died, he went through the angry phase. Anger is acceptable, when you're grieving, especially when you're an eight-year-old boy. People will make a lot of excuses for you. He dealt with his anger by beating the crap out of other kids, who had pissed him off.

He punched one kid from his neighbourhood in the face, twice, because he said Josh's mom was in the ground getting eaten by maggots. Josh gave him a black eye and a split lip. The kid obviously told everything his dad, and they came to Josh's house. Josh hid in his own room, listening and wondering, how much trouble he was going to get in.

The kid's dad wasn't even mad. He told Josh's dad it was okay, and that he understood. But in fact he didn't understand anything. However, Josh didn't get in trouble. And that's the way it always went.

Josh's angry phase had ended by the time he got to eighth grade, the time for his dad to have a heart attack. By that time, almost everybody left him alone, and no one would give him an excuse to be angry at them.

Then one day he was walking home from school, and ran into three guys beating Troye up. Josh didn't even know him at the time, but they were kicking him hard, and Josh needed an excuse to kick someone back.

After Josh did, what he had to do, they ran off, and Troye was observing the event from the ground, crying. Josh was hurt and out of breath, so he sat down too, because he didn't know, where to go, and didn't care, if anyone else came looking for him. No one did. Troye didn't say _thank you_ , nor anything else, he was probably too traumatised and scared of Josh, too, which was good, because Josh didn't deserve any thanks. He didn't do it for him.

After Troye notices, that Josh isn't going to answer and is stuck in his own world again, busy thinking, he says, "Okay, I'm leaving you alone with your notes. I'm going to draw the boy. Let me think." Josh nods and Troye opens his sketchbook. He stares at the boy drawing for the whole hour anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope this chapter was at least... not very bad.
> 
> i've had a huge writer's block recently; i know what to write, but i just can't connect it into words. it sucks. you can yell at me and hopefully it goes away.
> 
> and of course tell me, what you think about this chapter and the whole story, even though it's just the beginning! :) i love reading your own point of view. 
> 
> **if you have some ideas for new stuff, prompts, questions, whatever, hmu on tumblr[fairllyfloral](https://fairllyfloral.tumblr.com)**.


	9. dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first the longest chapter of [message man](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10039355/chapters/22375253), now this. what's with me this week?
> 
> the longest chapter of this story so far, so i hope it will be good enough. :)

There are twenty seven bones in your one hand and wrist. Twenty two of Tyler's bones in his left hand are broken. Still, the hand is a miracle to him. Despite the amount of plates and screws inside, it looks okay, if he can name it like that after several surgeries. It still works, in strange ways; it's like semi-automatic, but works, and it's not completely useless. It just can't do the one thing Tyler wants to do. The one thing, that made him the real Tyler.

He never was a social butterfly, he didn't like it. After school all he was doing was studying and practicing, like a good boy he was. On weekends he would play piano at weddings. Sometimes he managed to perform three times a day. He would run out of one church, jump in the car his mom would be waiting in out front, and rush to the next. He basically had never had any free time, but they payed him much for doing, what he loved, so he didn't complain.

He used to play about five the same classical pieces of music so often, that he could play them all whilst sleeping even right now. He always wore different clothes every other day, clean and colourful, buttoned-up all the way to his neck, shirts with all flower patterns possible. That made him recognizable, and people liked it. He asks himself, if they would still like him, if they saw, how he dresses today; more like to a funeral, than a wedding.

When he wasn't playing at weddings, he would play at malls or restaurants. He would smile and play his Bach or Mozart, or whatever overused pieces of music they asked him to play. Everyone knew him as _A little pianist from Cincinnati_ , and people would always clap when he got done, and say _hi_ to him whenever they saw him. He loved every second of it.

Tyler used to spend much time thinking about what he would be doing in the future, for the next twenty years. Most of the time he imagined himself playing in big arenas or clubs, travelling a lot and sleeping in expensive hotels, cuddled to fluffy towels and blankets, and meeting the most important people in music industry, who would like to make music with him. Everybody would know his name and his face.

He didn't have that bunch of friends, that he could go to parties with, or do a mess in shops. Be never enjoyed parties, and his mom was the one, who bought all of his clothes anyway. At the age of fifteen, he was actually much younger than fifteen.

The couple of "friends" he had were just like him. They were piano or violin boys and girls, who he spent his free time with to practice, practice and practice again. Normal people had real friends. Tyler had music. That was enough for him.

Now he's missing everything. Music keeps haunting him and reminding, that he will never play.

By the time he was forced to stop playing and dreaming, he had quite a bit of money put away. He was saving it to pay for the Summer Music Conservatory in New York, that he had been dreaming about for three years and was finally old enough, at fifteen, to apply to.

His parents said, that if he wanted to go, he had to work for the money, but that was a joke, because his work meant to play, and playing was never _the_ work.

He still has all the money he saved for the conservatory, even more than that, but he didn't go anywhere he wanted that summer. He spent that time in hospitals recovering and coming back to life, and in physical therapy learning to pick up the puzzles from a table.

At this point he has regained enough control in his left hand, that he could probably play something blankly on the piano if he tried, but it would never be what it used to be, and what it should be. Music should flow, so that you can't tell, where one note ends and the next begins; music should have grace, and there is no grace left in his hand. There are metal screws and damaged nerves and shattered bones, but there isn't any grace.

Today is Sunday, and even though there are no weddings on Sunday, he would probably play at his church, practice and do homework, but now, he has nowhere to be. Besides homework, he has nothing to do. His life is dull and boring.

Debby always spends her afternoons at a pool behind the house, until she has to go to work. It's very hot in that part of a day, but Tyler won't sunbathe. It would be probably unhealthy for his skin, even though he would caught tan very quickly in the past. He decides to sit under a tree and read a book.

He's only six pages in, when he hears a gate opening, which means somebody apparently went for a visit. Tyler doesn't move from his place and comes back to reading, but the sound isn't letting him concentrate.

He looks up to see Debby and Brendon walking in his direction, both smiling widely, like the torturous weather and scary amount of oxygen aren't unbearable enough. Brendon? Right, he knows Tyler's address only from that nightmarish party last week, but if he thinks he will take Tyler to another one, he can as well disappear from this household in a second.

"I'm Tyler's aunt, but call me Debby," she introduces herself to Brendon. "I'm assuming you two know each other." She smiles to Brendon, and then to Tyler, probably because it seems, like Tyler actually has friends, that people decide to take their time and visit him instead of, for example, laying on their bed with a fan blowing on their face and doing nothing else, because honestly, at days like these you only want to lie on your back and beg for a rain.

"Yes, I'm Brendon." He sends her one of his sweet smiles, but even though Debby is young and pretty, boys like him don't attract her attention. She's used to being flirted with, and she's not oblivious to what he's playing.

She walks away and goes back to her chair to continue her magazine reading, but Tyler knows she will listen.

"Tyler, will you forgive me finally?" He speaks up quietly, probably aware of Debby's presence right behind him, but what she wants to hear she will hear. "You haven't even looked at me in school. It's killing my reputation."

Tyler looks up at him with a conflicted expression on his face, and has a feeling, that even a nuclear bomb couldn't kill his reputation at this point, much less a week without his attention, but he appreciates Brendon giving him the credit.

"Okay," he sighs. "Let me make it up to you. I'm taking you to dinner at my house today."

That makes Tyler suspicious, and it's probably visible. Brendon isn't the one with innocent intentions. He knows that Tyler remembers, what he did to him last weekend at a party. You don't forget events like that. Tyler doesn't want anything like that to happen ever again.

"You won't be alone with me. My whole family will be there," he adds to encourage the boy.

Well, Tyler doesn't mind parents. He used to talk very much with them, and adult people in general. But lately, he got really scared of them. He's not comfortable around people. Especially, when he has to face them for longer time. But still, he doesn't mind Brendon's parents, if they are cool with Tyler appearing in their house.

He's more concerned about Brendon's sister. He doesn't want to meet her again. She fills him with fear and disgust, especially after last event on a courtyard, starring her and Josh. Tyler is hundred percent certain Ashley hates him with a passion, even though he doesn't know the reason.

"I'm sure Tyler would love to accept your offer!" Debby chimes in over her magazine. And that's it. Tyler can't even fight with both of them. "I'm getting ready for work. Meeting people will be good to you, I promise. There's no point in sitting home alone." _Thank you, Debby._ She looks at Tyler with face full of innocence, but eyes full of mischief. She knows, that he doesn't have a voice in this situation and she uses his misery.

Tyler can't protest, he isn't able to. He could come up with sudden homework, lots of studying, sickness, but there's no use, Brendon, and for sure Debby, won't give up that easily.

Tyler nods. "Good. Dinner is at six. I'll pick you up fifteen minutes earlier," Brendon tells him and smiles again in Debby's direction. Only if she knew, what hands she just sacrificed Tyler to. "It was nice to meet you," he turns to Debby, then to Tyler, "and see you later."

Brendon leaves, and Tyler runs into the house to bury his head in his pillow, again, and think, what he will wear, again. He has never met Brendon's family, so it would be good to dress rather nicely. He doesn't even know, what Brendon told his parents about him, or if he even mentioned him.

Nobody invites a friend out of blue to Sunday dinner with the whole family, unless the parents know well, who you are inviting over, so Tyler hopes it's just a tradition in their family and Brendon shows up with his friends often, and Tyler won't be bombarded with uncomfortable questions.

No matter, how funny it sounds, or looks, Tyler wears exactly the same outfit like to the last week's party. He has no choice; he won't make his first impression in a hoodie. School is a different case. Brendon's parents probably expect much more from him, and he wants to impress them.

That's why at 5 p.m. he finds himself in a kitchen with his hands dirtied with a cream, looking at his fresh-baked chocolate cake. His mother would shout at him, if he would show up at dinner as a guest empty-handed, and cake is the only appropriate thing he can show up with.

As promised, Brendon knocks on the door fifteen minutes before six. Tyler is kind of surprised, that he didn't just beep the horn and expect Tyler to come running to his car, but as much as it's hard to say so, Brendon actually possesses surprisingly good manners.

Tyler picks up the cake and hugs it to his chest. He takes the last breath in and opens the door, seeing Brendon all in his glory, tall and happy, exactly like that last time.

He looks down at what Tyler is holding, and smiles. "You didn't have to."

But he wanted to. If his parents are going to find him strange already a few minutes after he comes inside the house, he can at least gift them with a cake. Tyler still doesn't mind. He bakes a lot, and ends up eating most of it by himself.

"But my mom will be happy. She's pregnant, again," he sighs. "and she loves chocolate."

Ten minutes later they pull into Brendon's driveway. He lives a few miles away from Debby. He parks a car, but doesn't move to get out. It's starting to get awkward, and Tyler is starting to get uncomfortable. even though he probably knows Brendon well at this point, he's still not sure of his actions.

But he turns to his face and sighs heavily. He's not smiling anymore. "I'm so damn sorry, Tyler." The tone of voice is completely different from what Tyler is used to with him. The cocky self-confidence is gone and that makes him even more nervous. The sincerity of his words catches Tyler off-guard.

Brendon turns his eyes to the steering wheel, and Tyler is honestly glad, because he is more at ease with him not looking right at his face.

"You were safe with Josh, I had been sure about that. He is the best person I know, and I wouldn't have left you anywhere else. I did a shitty job and probably should have taken you home and taken care of you myself since it was kind of my fault in the first place, but I'm just a dick, and we both know that, and I always choose those worse choices. I didn't mean to, really," he laughs uncomfortably and looks up at Tyler. "Are we okay?"

Tyler nods eventually, because he thinks they are okay. He isn't so angry at him anymore, and he doesn't want to believe Brendon is that awful kind of a person people say he is.

"Okay." He claps his hands quickly, and that's when Tyler knows, that old Brendon made a come-back. He immediately seems more relaxed. "So let's go inside, we don't want this beauty," he points at the cake on Tyler's lap, "to melt."

He offers to hold the cake for Tyler, but he shakes his head. He needs to hold it. He clings to the cake like a lifeline as he walks up to the house, hoping his left hand doesn't choose now to stutter and make him drop it. He's only hoping it does its job and that the family will notice the cake instead of him.

They walk into high, all-white house with black windows, but not decorated in very modern style inside. Everything seems pristine. Brendon leads Tyler through a formal dining room. The table must seat at least ten people. It looks almost like in Josh's house. This neighbourhood probably raises rich people.

Brendon must notice Tyler gaping at everything, because literally everything is clean and clear. It doesn't look like Ashley and Brendon, so people, who like to make much mess, live here. "Yeah," he smiles. "We like to pretend at least once a week, that we are civilized people. It's usually not this bad. I think she went a little overboard because I told her I was bringing you."

Tyler winces at that. Again, what Tyler had to tell his parents about him? He doesn't want to act like somebody he isn't for real. It makes him nervous. Insanely nervous. Brendon's mom came prepared for his visit like for a family meeting during Christmas' Eve. He thanks himself he at least brought that cake.

Brendon continues, "Usually it's just us and Josh. And he doesn't even count as a guest."

Tyler frowns. If he wasn't terrified enough earlier, he for sure is now. The whole afternoon he tried to forget, that he would have to sit with Ashley's company, but he didn't even consider, that he would spend this evening also in Josh's presence. With person, who saw him already in his worst, and who he would like to never look in the eyes again.

Brendon notices Tyler's expression again and snorts a little. "Calm down." He laughs, and by that Tyler hopes, that he was just joking, or that Josh will not surprise them with his visit today, that Tyler was meant to take his place.

"You must be Tyler?" His thoughts are immediately interrupted by high voice of nobody, but Brendon's mother, all tall and happy just like her son. If Brendon is in some way connected with his mom, is it possible for Ashley to act similar like their father? Tyler hopes not, but if he's right, he doesn't want to meet him.

She looks at tyler like at a newly born child, and for some reason Tyler's bad thoughts go away, at least for a moment.

"Honey, it's so sweet of you," she continues, when she looks at Tyler's hands. She grabs a dessert from his hold. "It's beautiful."

She opens the fridge, and moves things inside to make a room for the cake, and before Tyler can think about it, she shuts the door and walks quickly to Tyler and gives him a tight hug. Even though Tyler is afraid of hugging people, touching people, getting intimate in general, because it makes him for some reason uncomfortable and not safe, he hugs the woman back.

"How is that possible, that you call him honey, but you never even use similar names towards me?" Brendon asks his mother.

"Of course I do," Mrs. Urie says, patting him on the shoulder as she walks by. "Last week I called you the bane of my existence."

"Oh, yeah," Brendon hums. "It was a good day."

It's hard not to want to smile watching them. It hasn't been so long since Tyler's family was this happy, too.

But a few moments later the idyll of a perfect family interrupts a sudden sound of door being unlocked. No knocking, just simple opening the door. Tyler assumes it may be Ashley, or her father, and he can't help, but let the bad thoughts flood his mind, but fortunately, or rather unfortunately it's none of them; no, even worse.

Josh Dun isn't a guest here. He joins Urie family on Sunday dinner every week. He owns the key and enters the house as if he lives here, without any hesitation, but probably not for too long.

He apparently didn't know Tyler would be here today either, because right after turning around and attempting to do a first move to remove his jacket from his body, he stops. He stops, that's it. He isn't looking at any ghost, which could make him take a step back. He looks at Tyler with a confusion written on his face, looking like he's expecting an answer from him exactly.

He slowly removes his hand from his jacket—right—from his leather jacket, as if he couldn't look even more intimidating. He doesn't look like dressed to casual, weekly dinner with his second family, it's not that they have seen him thousand times. He's dressed in literally all black, except for his hair, and Tyler didn't know it was possible for someone to pull out all black outfit until now. He starts feeling bad about how he is looking.

"You both know each other?" says Brendon's mom without any _hello_ or anything, just approaches Josh, and Tyler sighs out of relief, because he finally has an excuse to look away and walk somewhere, where he is less visible.

Brendon's mom hugs Josh, just like Tyler before, and it looks wrong to Tyler. Josh, all separated from all human contact, hugs the older woman back, looking warm and friendly.

A moment later Ashley steps into the kitchen, and by the look on her face she obviously knew about Tyler's visit. Otherwise she would probably shout at her mother asking, what he was doing here.

"Dinner will be ready in a few," Mrs. Urie informs. "Brendon, go and check with Josh upstairs if dad is ready, Ashley, prepare drinks, and Tyler, maybe you'd like to help me with bringing the food from the kitchen?" she offers, and Tyler nods, thankful, that she got him something to do instead of standing like a stone without knowing, where to move.

While Mrs. Urie is handing brown plates to Tyler, she speaks up to break the silence, which isn't really uncomfortable in her presence. "So you're new here?" she asks, and Tyler prays, that she looks at his face to see his nod, but she just quickly turns her head to look at him, when he wants to show her, that _yes_ , he is. "I knew it. I wouldn't forget that face."

Tyler raises his eyebrows, and she just laughs.

"You have really pretty eyes. I know, I know," she interrupts herself before Tyler can show any reaction, "Boys don't seem to like compliments like that, but I am telling you that like _a mom_. Take it as a great compliment. I'm often like that, you will get used to it, honey, don't worry. You can't see, but I'm pregnant, and I talk even more than usual, they all shush me every second, and I just need to talk. You don't mind that, do you?" Tyler smiles lightly and shakes his head. She is a female version of her son.

The dinner turns out to be the most enjoyable thing Tyler has experienced in months. Despite all his expectations, Brendon's family is completely fine, and his dad is a really cool and funny man. Nobody minds, that Tyler doesn't say a word. Brendon, to his surprise, still wears his innocent boy disguise in front of his family, but doesn't settle down when it comes to Josh.

Tyler can't see Josh, because Brendon is situated between them both, so that's one positive thing, but he has to see Ashley every time he looks up, and he doesn't know, which one's worse.

After dinner Mrs. Urie tells Ashley to bring the cake from fridge over to the table and give everybody a piece. Each one of them starts eating in silence, even Ashley, who doesn't know the cake is from Tyler, but he would actually like to see her stopping in her tracks just because she found out Tyler baked it.

"It's delicious, where did you buy it, Tyler?" Asks Mrs. Urie.

Tyler raises his eyes and shakes his head. He points to himself.

" _You?_ " she asks, and looks around. "By yourself? From scratch?" Tyler nods. He has nothing against cakes you can buy or order. They are just never perfect to him, and when he bakes, he wants to create something, that will fully satisfy him.

Tyler can hear the sounds of small forks hitting plates, and that adds a few points to his mood.

"I can't bake at all. And it would be great to make something by myself, because I love desserts, and none of these wonderful boys ever want to move and bring me something from bakery."

"You can do it by yourself, mom," Brendon says.

"That's very nice of you!" she answers.

"What? I just never know, what you like, and you would probably complain at home if I had bought a wrong thing." His mom only shakes her head, but doesn't say anything else.

Later they are cleaning up the dishes, and once they are done, they all sit on two, beautiful and huge, white couches in the living room, taking a sip of Mrs. Urie's coffee.

Tyler declines the coffee. He never drinks it, and if somebody would pay him to drink, or if coffee was the last liquid on Earth to drink, he would probably still refuse it. Besides, he wouldn't take a cup of the drink whilst sitting on these white sofas, when the risk of losing the grip of the cup is huge, so he isn't drinking. Josh drinks three cups. Not, that he's counting.

It's almost dark outside, when Josh stands up and takes all cups and disappears in the kitchen, Brendon after him. Tyler and Mrs. Urie don't move from their seats, and she says, "Brendon, you said Tyler's house is somewhere near Josh's neighbourhood earlier, yes?"

"Yeah."

"Josh, could you drop him off? There's no use for you both to drive in the same direction, when you are going there anyway."

Oh, no, _no._ No, no, no, no.

She seems to look at all of them at once. How does she do that? They aren't even standing next to one another. Tyler doesn't want to look at Josh, but he can see, what he's feeling. Exactly the same thing like Tyler.

"Sure," he says and finally looks at Tyler, who stands up.

"Amazing," says Mrs. Urie. "Thank you for your visit, Tyler, it was nice to meet you. So next Sunday at six, again?" She smiles, and Tyler wonders, when she planned that. He barely attempts to shake his head again today, before she speaks again, "Josh, you can pick him up on your way then?"

"No problem. Fhank you for dinner, again," he nods at Mrs. and Mr. Urie, who answer with a smile.

Tyler hesitantly approaches Josh, who grabs his jacket, pulls out car keys and draws his hand in Tyler's direction. "You can go to my car, I will be there in a minute. You know which one is mine."

It confuses Tyler, that Josh trusts him enough to give him the keys to his precious car, and Tyler for sure wouldn't even dare to touch it without him seeing it not to cause any damage, but he takes the keys and leaves the house.

It's Josh's turn to find Brendon now and talk to him face to face, finally.

"What was that?" he whispers, when he finds Brendon leaving bathroom.

"What? Tyler? I invited my friend on a dinner."

"Why him?"

"That was an act of apology, a good one," Brendon shrugs.

"He forgave you?" Josh asks with disbelief.

"Of course," Brendon says like it is the most obvious thing in the world.

"Why does he even stick with you? What's your business with him?"

Brendon snorts at that. "What's my business? He's cute. He likes me. Requirements met."

"Brendon, I'm serious," Josh says too quickly. Brendon always chooses what's pretty and naive. Fortunately for him, most of them are girls from his school. Any of them hasn't refused him yet, even though everybody knows about his reputation. He doesn't hide with that. He has never been romantic or pretending he had some feelings to bring people to bed, and he doesn't have to, because they decide by themselves, and what happens afterwards, is only their own problem.

But Tyler isn't one of them. He may be pretty, but he isn't silly. Josh is certain Brendon's intentions were the same towards him in the first place, but Tyler wasn't oblivious and would never allow him to do this. Brendon isn't even interested in that when it comes to Tyler anymore. That's what makes him different.

"I think he hates you."

"So it's a challenge."

"Exactly. But too big effort is against your personal philosophy."

Brendon looks offended. "Your lack of faith in me is insulting. You don't get to judge me."

Josh sighs loudly. "Well, good luck."

He attempts to take a step back and turn into a hallway, when Brendon stops him.

"What do you think, why doesn't he talk? I throw my favourite comments towards people when he's around and judging by his look, he knows English. So probably no vocal cords."

Josh was considering that, too, not until he heard Tyler fully laughing right in front of him that day. You have to have vocal cords to produce a sound like that, but maybe it's hard for him to form words, maybe something's wrong with his tongue.

But something tells Josh it's not a physical thing, and that concerns him even more. Why wouldn't he talk? Did he _ever_ talk? Why would he stop? He doesn't talk, but he's really open-eyed and has everything under control, even when he's not watching.

Josh still knows nothing about that, and he won't talk about topics he's not sure with. Sure, it would be nice to know, but he doesn't expect answer in near future.

"He's not your type," he gives a response, which has nothing to do with what they were talking about, and heads to the door, because somebody is waiting for him in his car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what do you think? was it good enough? if you can, _please_ , leave a comment and tell me, what you think. it's really important to me. ♡ 
> 
> **you can give me some ideas for new fics on my[tumblr](https://fairllyfloral.tumblr.com).**
> 
> i hope you have a good rest of the day and sleep well. ♡  
> —liv


	10. blue hands, fragile hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> josh feels an urge to beat everyone up today.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mama is back.
> 
> warning: there's a scene (?) of a painful accident later in the chapter. i don't know if it counts as violence, probably not, but might not be good for sensitive people. it's nothing too graphic and bad or something like that, but whenever you feel like you don't want to read anymore, no matter if it's this chapter or any in this story, feel free to hmu on [tumblr](https://fairllyfloral.tumblr.com), or even scroll to the comments and tell me, and i'll summarize the chapter as best as i can without sensitive content. stay alive and safe. ♡

It's windy. It's moody. It's cold. It's going to rain. Again. It was raining for the whole night last night, so avoiding puddles on a pavement is almost impossible. They are everywhere. Leaves start falling with an incredible tempo. The wind doesn't even care about consequences, no matter that it's morning. It hits every tree, every building, every face with more incredible force. It's not going to be a good day.

Josh can't even fully close the glass doors behind himself, when he notices Brendon running in his direction with that stupid grin on his face, which never disappears, even on days like this. Josh pretends he doesn't see him, as always, obviously, but it won't work this time. Josh is standing right in front of him. He looks at him with a questioning look, waiting for him to say something, if he decided to approach him, but if Brendon expects Josh to talk, he's going to be disappointed. He isn't in mood to talk, at all.

"What's up, my dude?" He eventually taps Josh's shoulder, who doesn't react at all. Brendon doesn't care about it. "How was our dinner yesterday?"

"How it should have been?" Josh asks. "It was okay. Your mom's cooking is better than great."

"Yeah, but," Brendon stops for a moment. "Didn't you feel any... _different_?" he emphasizes, and if he thinks Josh didn't take a hint before, does he really know him? Josh knows well what Brendon means, and no, he's not going to give him any satisfaction with answering.

"Brendon, what the fuck," he only murmurs.

"What?" Brendon asks innocently, but Josh only shakes his head and goes back to avoiding him. "What got you so grumpy?"

"You and only you," Josh answers.

Brendon huffs a breath and picks up his pace to be ahead of Josh and look him in the face. "Why have you been so rude lately?"

"Maybe that's my way to flirt with you." He avoids Brendon's gaze. Brendon starts laughing. He's so stupid. "I don't know, Brendon, maybe you've just been especially annoying lately?"

"That's not true. I'm always like that with you." He's still wearing this stupid grin on his face, even knowing Josh doesn't want to talk with him. Maybe that's what best friends do. They try to cheer you up, even though you are pushing them away in the most rude way possible, and they don't seem offended at all. "Something's bothering you," he states.

"Maybe," Josh hums.

"Tell me."

"No."

"Maybe it's not something, but somebody." Brendon smirks, and Josh rolls his eyes for god-only-knows-which-time this morning. Brendon can try to pull out some information from him, good luck, even though Josh doesn't have any intention to do it. Nothing in Josh's life has changed. "Speak of the devil," he whispers and points somewhere ahead of them, the end of the long hallway. "Hi, Tyler!" he shouts, literally shouts, that it echoes through every wall surrounding them. Josh fights with himself not to kick his ass with his boot from behind.

Brendon picks up his pace, leaving Josh a little behind, finally, and closing a space between him and the boy who probably entered a building seconds ago, assuming that his cheeks and nose are probably the brightest shade of pink, that Josh can see it even in darkness of the hallway, the boy who had chosen to visit Josh in his garage one day without any explanation and never came back again.

If Brendon chases Tyler like that every morning like Josh, Josh almost feels a pity towards him, because sometimes it's just too hard to handle.

But suddenly, from what Josh can see, his expression changes completely and Josh can't believe what he's looking at. Tyler glances somewhere between Brendon and Josh with a hint of smallest smile, but Josh can still notice it. He knows what it looks like after all.

It almost disappoints Josh, that Brendon is so convincing to him, and of all people there he chose him to communicate with, keep in touch, or whatever they are doing, but still, maybe it's better to be Brendon than nobody. If you have enough nerves.

Maybe he's only amused by Brendon's whole persona, because, honestly, who wouldn't be. The first and only time Josh witnessed Tyler's face lighting up and his lips curling into a smile was when he had started laughing on the floor in his room, apparently finding the whole situation funnier than it actually was.

Brendon isn't fast enough to say something more, because Tyler turns around and disappears in a nearby classroom, after giving Josh a sheepish glance.

"See?" Brendon turns to Josh. "He didn't kill me, in comparison to you and your intentions."

"He really should," Josh tells him. 

The sound of locker door being slammed can be heard from behind two boys, and a tall blonde turns around to face them, or maybe face only Brendon. Josh, after all, is probably invisible in this school.

Jenna, mostly known as the girl wearing a shirt and blue jeans so tight that Josh is almost afraid of her breathing, but it's none of his business. Brendon and her had been a thing some time last year, but of course it didn't work out. Nothing with Brendon works out, ever. He isn't interested in real relationships, and the girl had to eventually accept the rejection. Brendon found a new "lover", and people in school started whispering about her in hallways. They just didn't expect her to be that naive. 

Since that time she just seems to be angry. Angry that Brendon managed to manipulate even her, a girl who isn't so easy to get. However, she seemed to really like him, even love him. Unfortunately, Brendon has never stopped to be a complete asshole no matter if it comes to boys or girls. He probably only stops himself when he's hanging out with Josh.

Brendon pretends to avoid her, but they both know they just want to get each other's attention and communicate through piercing glances. Josh always has a first row ticket to this show.

Josh heads into music class and Brendon turns toward the office, where he gets to spend another period flirting in the halls, running through the hallways, and generally avoiding any responsibility whatsoever.

One of the first things Josh notices when he enters the room is Tyler, only because he is sitting at a table with Patrick and Pete, who can never get unnoticed, and apparently being interested in their dumb conversation. Josh takes a seat behind them, finally having nobody behind himself, like the last time. He can watch people, but him being watched is not acceptable. Well, most of them don't even notice him, but that one person in particular hasn't been these most people ever since he got here.

Because there are 3 people at the table before him, a teacher asks them to pin posters to the wooden board on a wall next to them, and they quickly agree; Everything to miss the actual class.

The teacher tells one of them to stand up and take a box from his desk, that contains pins and a hammer, and suddenly Josh is wondering if the teacher is really sure about giving those two idiots a hammer. They will most likely shove it to each other's mouths sooner than do what they got to do. But it's none of his business.

Pete and Patrick are arguing on who has to walk to the front of the room and take the box from teacher's hands, Tyler also doesn't move to get up, so Patrick finally moves his butt to grab the box. When he comes back to their table, Pete immediately grabs the box out of Patrick's hold, scattering the whole content in process. Good job, asshole.

"Clean it up, patrick," the teacher warns him. He apparently saw the whole happening.

"But it wasn't me!" Patrick protests.

"Which word of _clean it up_ don't you understand?" Pete almost yells at him, causing the whole room to murmur and make a chaos, but nobody moves to clean up these damn pins on the floor. Josh almost gets up, but suddenly somebody else decides to do it before him.

Tyler kneels on the floor, picking up every pin individually and loading them up in his left hand, while Patrick is gathering up the ones on the table, and while Pete is just laughing at him. Or them both. He has no right and reason to laugh at Tyler, though, otherwise Josh would kick his ass instead.

But what distracts Josh from whatever he is thinking about is the noise of pins hitting the floor again. Just a second ago Tyler had had a full grasp of them and was about to stand, but his hand simply opened and let go of all the pins. Just let go. It was a weird thing to see, especially that Tyler doesn't look any surprised by what happened, just kneels on the floor and starts picking them up again.

It seems like nobody else but Josh saw it, they all are too busy making a noise, and for a second he really thinks he just imagined it and it didn't happen, or he's just going insane, but the truth is that this boy makes him question more and more things, every day.

Josh almost starts feeling bad for him. He saw some weird hand movement that time in his garage, but doesn't remember, which hand that was. He must have a shitty life, and not that Josh doesn't have his whole life destroyed, too, but seeing other people makes it worse. 

And he almost wants to tell him, that he has to get used to all this mess in school, or get involved into it, even though it seems like the boy and Josh are the only ones normal here. Or maybe the only ones that are strange.

And exactly at the moment when he is saying that in mind, Tyler looks at him, all pins eventually back in a box. Josh fights with himself and beats his own chest to keep his mouth shut, as he always does, but everybody is _loud_ , really loud, and amused by every other thing but them both, and he just _feels_ like he has to say something, seeing him so upset.

"Hi, sweetheart," he says breathily without even thinking until the words leave his mouth, but at least he is sure nobody else heard.

Tyler heard, he must have heard it very clearly, otherwise he wouldn't frown and look away with a pink flush on his face just like before, but apparently not caused by cold weather anymore.

Josh barks a small laugh, pretty satisfied without any clever reason. And maybe he shouldn't have said that, shouldn't have reminded him of what happened earlier. It's a past right now. He should move on. It was a one time thing. But for some reason they both seem to have some sort of connection every time they see each other. They are not friends, but not strangers either.

Josh doesn't know, what's the deal with this kid, and what _he_ is doing either. They have been playing this dumb game since they first saw each other, which wasn't so long ago, but feels like ages. Feels like ages of sending each other glances here and there without doing a first step, nor cutting out the contact either, no matter how ridiculous the contact is.

He doesn't know what had got into him, that he agreed to this. Did he even agree to something? Normally he would take the matters in his own hands and maybe even use violence if needed, as he would always do in the past, to leave him alone for good.

He hates keeping secrets, having secrets. He had already enough of that, especially when every member of his family faded away from the surface of earth and nobody would tell him right in his face, that this was the end, he was alone and could count only on himself. But people prefer to take things slow and keep destroying you in process.

He sort of warned the boy one day, and he still, sort of, warns him every day, looking at him in the eye from the end of the hallway, as if he wanted to say, that there's no use for him to do whatever he's doing, and that he should stop it before he regrets it, even though Josh probably doesn't really mean it. But this doesn't help. It never did. He's not scared of Josh, at least not mentally, as Josh reminds himself. That boy always looks like he just saw a ghost every time he meets eyes with Josh, but then searches for his eyes again. 

He wants to play, and Josh will let him play, playing _with_ him by the way. Tyler doesn't seem to mind. He keeps looking away, but it's not permanent.

The group keeps working, even Patrick with Pete stopped shouting at each other and asked Tyler to hold posters so they can hang them on the wall. It's more silent, but their voices still can be heard in the whole room.

Tyler watches carefully, what these two are doing, and seemingly wants to tell them they are doing this or that wrong, that colors don't match, or one pin stands out.

He does everything he's told to, even climbs on a table with Patrick to hang a poster on very top of the wall, and then Josh realizes why Pete asked exactly him to do it, when he notices him glancing at Tyler's butt before he manages to stand properly on a table. Josh wants to punch him in the face.

He tries to pay attention to the teacher, but it's almost impossible, when these two start yelling at each other again, right in from where he is sitting.

"Hurry up, Pat, we won't finish it until tomorrow with your slow motion," Pete tells Patrick, when they return to their table. He hits Patrick on his back, quite firmly, that it must hurt, and that's what makes the situation worse.

Patrick, coupled with a slap on his back, sends the hammer down even harder than it was necessary, but not where it was supposed to go. The hammer hits the ring and middle finger on Tyler's hand, which was bracketing the poster in place, hard.

Tyler swats his hand away, but very slowly, and looks wide-eyed, how his fingers immediately turn blue, but doesn't even move away, yell, or make any sound that would prove that it hurts. He just stares. Suddenly tears start welling up in his eyes, but none of them falls. He blinks them away.

Why isn't he crying? He has a right to cry. Josh clearly saw and heard how hard this hammer collided with his hand. It must hurt like a bitch, even Josh would start crying. But he is still staring, like hypnotised, at that damn hand, and Pete and Patrick look at each other like idiots they are, aware of the situation, but unaware of the consequences.

"Somebody bring some fucking ice maybe?" Josh whisper-yells at their faces, but unable to move and do anything either. He can't stop looking at him. Why isn't he crying, again?

That's when other students hear and look in the direction, where everything happened. Fantastic. Patrick and Pete look like they have no idea what just happened, people start asking what's up. The teacher doesn't even know, he writes notes in his notebook, but somebody finally calls him to come to the table, Josh hears. Tyler still stares at this damn hand.

Finally Patrick moves to the door, probably to a bathroom, and the teacher is already by the boy's side, examining his hand, and asking how it all happened. Tyler barely flinches, when his hand is being touched, he is standing with his face like a stone. Or maybe that's not a good comparison. He's delicate like a porcelain.

Patrick arrives with a cold towel and hands it to Tyler, who looks surprised and almost like he's about to refuse any help, but eventually accepts it with a nod. Josh wonders, if that boy really is sane.

Patrick starts to apologize him, and say that it was nothing but accident and that he would never hurt him, even though it wasn't even his fault, Josh can prove it, and Pete should be the one to beg for forgiveness. Pat on the other hand looks really guilty and even more in pain than Tyler, but he closes his mouth eventually.

Everybody tries to help Tyler, others try to see the whole scene. There's a big circle around the table, maybe they will pull out they phones and start recording if it's _that_ big of a sensation.

Finally, the cold towel is getting warm, and the hand still is blue, so the teacher tells one girl behind him to hurry up and go with the boy to the nurse.

Nobody protests, the girl, with a terrified look on her face, leads Tyler out of the classroom, and the sensation calms down, but Josh's nerves keep racing.

It was less than a matter of seconds that passed between Pete hitting Patrick on his back and the hammer coming down on Tyler's fingers and when Patrick brought him the towel, but it felt like long, torturous minutes, a scene in slow motion. Maybe time really does slow down when something tragic happens, like in movies.

It was just some accident, a really painful one, but an accident. Accidents happen. Each person has a different scale of pain, but scars usually heal. However, Josh has no idea why he keeps replaying the whole happening in his head, over and over, until he realizes, that even when the hammer met the hand with full force making an unbearable pain, he didn't make any sound. Ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and what do you think?
> 
> questions?
> 
> what do you think of tyler? josh? brendon? of the story in general? of the writing? feel free to be honest.
> 
> and every single comment is very important to me, so go ahead and comment if you can, a few seconds to you but a huge motivation to me.
> 
> see you soon.  
> stay alive. ♥️


	11. spirit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is very short, i apologize in advance, but it couldn't be longer, and it's very important. besides, i quite like the mystique atmosphere of it, especially when you listen to _money, power, glory_ by lana. i wrote this listening to this song. and i feel a strong connection to chapters like these, as well as the fifth one:  5\. light, and try to make them as mysterious as possible. i really hope you will feel something similar.

Somewhere near midnight Josh finishes his drumming session and decides to finally start doing something that is associated with school. He won't achieve much with only sitting and daydreaming in class, because a teacher is too busy to teach and he is too busy with thoughts and too lazy to open a book and study. But will he? He has all money he needs at the moment and even more, is there a thing that's more important? He could drop out of school rather than drown in this daily toxicity.

But every time he says to himself _no_ , it's only one year left, he can handle this, and after that he can do what he wants, leave this hell hole of a town and _finally_ start a life that doesn't haunt him and doesn't force him to be that awful person he is, but let him _be._

He grabs a random notebook from his backpack and comes back to sit behind his drumkit, leaning against the wall and adjusting the notebook on his knees. It's not that late, but he's already feeling exhausted. This day was exceptionally tiring and tortuously long, that he's glad it came to an end, more than usual. Night is when he is feeling like himself, when he knows, that he really is alone and nobody can disturb him, even in fully opened garage that emits the light probably one mile ahead.

It's strange; the conviction that he's safe in the most dangerous time of the day and the most dangerous place in this household—an open area, but it makes him feel at ease.

The sound of fluorescent lights and the sound of cars somewhere far away is what makes him belong _here_ , and not any other place in this house beside him, when everybody else decided to die.

He didn't realize that he had dozed off until he blinks his heavy eyelids and notices a small hand of a clock showing number one. His legs are aching from being in this position for a couple of hours, and he tries to straighten them up somehow, but he ends up not feeling his legs anymore for a few moments.

He finally stands up and wants to turn around, when in a span of seconds he catches a glimpse of something outstanding in the darkness of the driveway.

Josh surprises himself, that he doesn't gasp from dismay or anything equally suitable to the sight that meets his eyes in the middle of the night in his own safe space, just after he opened his eyes.

 _He_ is standing a few steps ahead the entrance, but Josh can clearly recognize his figure and the fact, that he's standing here, motionless, in all white clothes he probably sleeps in and that make him look more like a a ghost, a spirit, than a real human being.

Or maybe he isn't real, maybe Josh is still sleeping and he's in some sort of lucid dream, because this figure in front of him is being swallowed by the abyss of the night and that's why it is almost invisible, but clearly visible at the same time, almost _glowing_ in all white and blinding his eyes.

It's almost funny, that he could expect this would happen, but he's still having that strange feeling in his guts, half confused mixed with anger that always swims somewhere inside, but the other half intrigued. Maybe even more than half.

They keep their gazes glued to each other's all the time, unaware if they are blinking or not. They both are so lost in this, that Josh doesn't realize, when _he_ steps closer, until his face is more clear and his eyes even bigger and more crystal, always looking like they are lost and look for help, but in fact they aren't lost this time. They led him here on purpose. He knew the way.

He's tilting his head, looking away for a little, to hang his gaze on something beside him. His huge eyes changed immediately, it's like he did an exchange with Josh, whose tired from sleeplessness eyes watched the boy staring at him back with his big, chocolate orbs, and now Josh is fully awake, and the figure in front of him seems like he can create a fog around his sleepy eyes, that right now are making his face look like one of the porcelain dolls, that are still lining the shelves in Josh's sister's room. Troye wasn't wrong when he explained, how unique his features were. Childlike, and pale, and smooth, and flawless. Like an angel who's a ghost.

Josh almost loses his senses whilst looking at him. It's the first time he has experienced something like that in his life, and it feels _ridiculous_ and funny, but he's dazed for good and probably lost the control in his tongue as he can't make any sound either.

After some moments that feel like eternity, he gets his consciousness back, and realizes how impossibly pale _he_ is; that pale, that his clothes and his skin can mix up and make one wave in a new color. His cheeks are delicately flushed, pink, but making a huge contrast with the rest of his face. His breath is slowing by every second. He must have been running to get here, or the trip was really tiring for him.

He is looking entirely different in white disguise.

Josh wants to look away finally, but what's the use now? He's been staring enough and longer than he should have, and he can't pretend he doesn't see him now even if he tried.

But he isn't looking at Josh anymore. He is scared again, and looks around the place to find something interesting, like a child in a huge toy store. Josh can't compare it to anything else.

This garage is a mess of dust and scattered random things in the corner. Josh _is_ obsessed when it comes to cleaning up, but sometimes he is not able to have full control; this house is huge, and he lives here by himself, so he doesn't have to worry if he's making a mess or not. This is his safe space and no one else sees it. Especially this garage. But lately _someone_ actually decided to invade this privacy without his permission.

He is still standing, and Josh is waiting for him to finally say something, which obviously isn't going to happen, but at least _move_ , or do something, anything to prove that he really is standing here, not just existing and sleeping with his eyes open.

And he does. He steps into the garage fully, looking around again, just like a few seconds ago and even like that last time he showed himself in the same place for the first time.

He is walking around, running his hands along the furniture, along the dust with his ideally clean, pearly hand, staining his fingers with another hue. It seems like a scene from some horror movie, and it's so entertaining, but fucking intriguing, and Josh asks himself for the hundredth time, what did he agree to.

Josh finally looks away and turns around, letting him examine the room and make himself comfortable with foreign eyes always on him, even though he doesn't want him to get comfortable here. He wants to kick him out, tell him to go away, go to sleep, never come back again. Something stops him from doing it every time.

Josh is confused to that point, that he has no idea, what to do, what to touch, what to do to keep _himself_ busy in his own garage, and it makes him slowly insane, because it's so strange to feel, and it's not similar to him.

He looks up at the clock. Almost 2 a.m. For sure everybody around them is sleeping, except for them both, full of life and apparently not going to find a sleep tonight. It's strange, again. Like you are surrounded by dead, lifeless bodies, and only _you_ are conscious.

He turns fully around, looking at the opposite side of the room. He is on the floor now, sitting cross-legged and comfortable on dusted floor, because there's probably no place to sit anywhere else. He didn't hear _him_ sitting there. He is so quiet.

Josh wants to find him something to do, at least, if he isn't going to leave any time soon, but then notices that he actually found something, by himself. He is spinning a pen around his fingers, a pen found somewhere on a shelf, before clicking on it and starting drawing patterns on a cast keeping his left hand still. Josh didn't notice it earlier, maybe because it's almost as white as his arm.

Josh starts freaking out more. He was told he lives with his aunt. Isn't she looking for him? And isn't _he_ feeling scared at all? Out of all times he looked at Josh with a frown, he decided to choose a night to come to his _house_ and draw flowers on his hand like an independent child, not caring about anything else.

So that Josh takes his science notebook again and goes back to studying, and the creature sitting a few steps ahead keeps scribbling until the cast is fully covered with patterns like a black tattoo.

After what seems like an hour, Josh can't stand it anymore, and almost opens his mouth to scream at him, but at the same time, being a pathetic fool he is, he wants him to stay.

So instead of shouting, he comes up with something different, always dumb when he doesn't have anything else to say. "Didn't it hurt?" His voice echoes through the whole room, probably too loud than necessary, so he has to clear his throat, and it probably wasn't a good way to break the dull silence, but on the other hand he wants to know. This thing wouldn't stop clouding his mind for the rest of the day.

The other takes a hold of his left hand in his right hand and takes a look at it, as if he's trying to decide if it really hurt or not, but eventually shrugs, and that's it.

Well, it's not that Josh expected a proper answer, but he at least thought he would get a shake of head for yes or no. Turns out communicating with him is even more difficult than it seemed earlier, but he isn't going to give up.

"What do you want from me?" he speaks up again, no matter how rude it comes out. No answer. Of course.

It's driving him insane, not knowing what is that thing, that leads _him_ to Josh's house, his garage. It's not like Josh is particularly friendly and willing to talk. Maybe he visits some more houses in the neighbourhood like that. Well, maybe tonight he will realize some things and not visit _this_ house anymore. Josh tries to convince himself, that he's relieved by that possibility, but he's not really convinced still.

And the silence again. Josh doesn't know, how long he is planning to stay here, and if he _is_ going to leave tonight, but Josh wants to go to sleep soon. School is tomorrow—actually, today—and he really has to get at least two hours of rest this time.

But the ghost isn't moving at all. Josh is having a ghost in his garage. Great, haunted garage. With all of people that died here, one of _them_ should make a visit here some time.

In fact, Josh would wish for that in the past. He kind of wanted to be haunted by his siblings, his mother, and then his father, grandmother. He wanted some sort of contact from them, as he didn't get enough when it was possible. None of them ever came back nor gave a sign.

His grandfather can be dead by any day now, poisoned with painkillers and disease in hospital, and Josh will probably not be waiting for any sign this time. He will just be relieved, that he has nobody left to lose anymore.

Josh feels empty, when the ghost finally gets up, brushes the dust off his clothes, and leaves quietly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i bet you are confused, but that's okay. you will find out soon.
> 
> so, what do you think? some questions? your confusions? your opinion is really important to me, so if you can comment, please do. and by the way, thank you for all your comments. i really, really, really appreciate all of them.
> 
> and i apologize again this chapter was so short.
> 
> i hope you have a nice day.  
> see you soon.


	12. silent communication

Despite the annoyance visible in Josh's behavior a few days ago in the garage, he appears at Tyler's door on Sunday, as promised to Brendon's mom, fifteen minutes before six, to give him a ride to a dinner at Urie's. But honestly, Tyler didn't really expect him to change plans just because he was sort of pissed at him; that guy has some manners, after all.

None of them commented in school, what happened on Monday, and none of them probably ever will, even if Tyler decides to come to that garage once again. If he _will_ , he doesn't know. He has to be in special mood to do find a courage to come there.

When he sees the black car from his bedroom window pulling into the driveway, he runs downstairs to the kitchen, to grab the cake he baked again. Everybody seemed to like it that time, so this one tastes the same like the chocolate cake a week ago, but looks different this time. He really hopes any member of the family won't mind.

He has to get the dish from refrigerator with one hand, because his left hand is still in cast, and it happens to be really difficult. Debby left the house half an hour ago, so he has to deal with it by himself. He tries to somehow adjust it between his forearm and his chest, and closes the refrigerator using his elbow.

A knock on the door echoes through the empty hallway exactly at the time Tyler leaves the kitchen. He is holding the cake in his right hand, and his left hand is not really useful when it comes to grabbing a doorknob, especially now, so he's standing here for a few moments, not really knowing what to do, but aware, that there's a person waiting opposite of him at the other side of the door.

Eventually he puts the dish on the floor to be able to open the door with his right hand.

Josh is standing on the porch, dressed all in black again, with his hands in a pocket of his hoodie, wearing an expression on his face as if he were picking Tyler up for a date.

"Hello, sweetheart," he greets Tyler with a quite nice tone in his voice. Tyler expected maybe some mockery from him, but not that drastic change of the situation. He still feels weird around him. For some reason everything feels a little bit better in that garage.

Tyler still doesn't know, what's the thing exactly with Josh calling him those names, he is convinced Josh is making fun of him, but even if he's not, Tyler obviously greets him with silence.

Tyler hates to admit, how good he is looking now like this, even in all black, in probably random clothes he picked from his closet, not even trying to look good. His yellow hair moves a little bit from a wind, falling on his forehead.

And it seems like it's going to rain; the sky changed into dark colours, bringing a huge rain cloud with itself. Even though Tyler loves to watch the sky, especially adores the rain and watching how clouds roll, he didn't notice that today. Everything is so fast in this city. Not like in his old home.

But maybe he was just too busy with baking the cake, or too busy blaming himself, that he didn't ask his aunt, if she could buy him some new clothes. He had to wear the same old outfit he wore a week ago, but now, seeing Josh, he could as well put on his large hoodie and go out. Would it seem like he didn't care?

Well, it would be a lot easier, if Brendon's parents looked down their noses at him, disliked him, and last week's dinner turned out forced and uncomfortable, but unfortunately none of this happened. Now Tyler has to pretend he feels happy to see them again and isn't afraid of anything at all. It's not that he doesn't like them. They seem like a really nice family, but the thing is, he doesn't fit in there and probably never will. It's a surprise they invited him again. Maybe they did this only because he seemed nice to them. Well, he tried to, but was he really? Staying silent and not joining dinner conversations isn't very kind, and the only thing proving, that he cared about the meeting was his cake.

Maybe they are only accepting him because of Brendon, and expect him to leave as soon as possible, like probably half of school Brendon invited to one of Sunday dinners at Urie's, just to never be seen in that house again. Maybe next week Tyler's place will be taken by another person. And then everything will be normal again. Brendon will find himself a nice person to his bed, and Tyler will come back to his lonely existence with nobody messing around.

He kneels down to grab the dish with the cake inside from the floor, but as earlier, it's unbelievably hard to do it with one hand, even more difficult than before; the cake is laying on the floor, not on a level of his chest anymore.

He almost moves to use his left arm, sitting fully on his heels now, when Josh steps inside the house, kneels down, far too close to Tyler, and picks the cake up for him without any trouble.

He stands up, approaching the door and taking a hold of a doorknob, and looks down at Tyler, who is still sitting on the floor, too embarrassed to get up.

"You coming?" Josh asks expectantly, giving Tyler a hand to stand up.

Tyler nods and gets up, taking his keys and a phone, and locking the door.

When they are already sitting in a car, Tyler takes his cake from Josh's hold and onto his lap, using it again like a lifeline, as if it would protect him like a shield.

The ride is silent, but Josh is listening to music, and Tyler is thankful for this. He is used to music while he's in a car, any music, especially that it has just started raining.

When they pull into the driveway, it turns into a downpour. They have to quickly move from the car and into the house, if they don't want to get wet, but Tyler has to be careful while stepping out of this car with the cake; he has to literally jump to meet the floor, as the car is quite big, almost like a truck car.

Tyler hugs the cake against his chest and walks as fast as possible to the door, looking up at the sky. It looks beautiful being so bright with dark clouds making a contrast. They make it to the porch not completely drenched, but still with multiple droplets of rain on their clothes and hair.

Josh is about to unlock the door with the additional keys he obviously owns, but stops suddenly, looking at Tyler, and stepping closer, moving his hands to Tyler's face, running his thumbs across the skin below Tyler's eyes. Tyler's heart probably stops for a second, but as much he's uncomfortable and distrustful with somebody's touch, for some reason he doesn't move to snap the hand away.

"You looked as if you were crying," Josh mumbles a moment later, which makes Tyler remember, that he looked up at the sky before and the rain found its way in his eyes.

They both step inside, and everything happens almost exactly like a week ago, except for the fact, that he is now with Josh, and Brendon's mom meets them halfway, looking at them like at a marvelous picture. Tyler suddenly finds his shoes interesting and looks at them to avoid the stare.

"Hello, sweetie!" she greets Tyler enthusiastically, giving him some sort of dejà vu. He probably doesn't deserve to be called that sweetly, but all he has to do is nod his head and smile, trying to say that he's glad to meet her, too. "You didn't have to," She adds, grabbing the cake from Tyler eventually.

Josh waits for Tyler and walks with him to the dining room, meeting Brendon, who waves at them, throwing a cigarette out of the window, probably hiding from his parents. Idiot.

Tyler looks at the table, noticing Ashley and some other girl by her side, probably her friend from school. Tyler recognizes her from that day they were sitting on a bench on school backyard and making fun of him. He almost forgot about it now, but seeing them both again is making him sad.

He's wondering, how it is to have that one, real, best friend you spend all your time with. He used to have a few in the past, but they weren't like this either. They were those obsessed with music girls, just like him, hanging out with him just to share their passion. It was all that was connecting them.

The other girls were talking about make-up and boyfriends, the other boys were hanging out with the other boys, and Tyler was hanging out with girls, talking about music. But their friendship never came first. Music was always the most important. If music weren't their link, they would probably have nothing in common with each other. He had to cut out the contact with them afterward anyway, because spending time around them would make him hurt too much.

His friend, Allison, would still call him for months, but all she was talking about were recitals and piano sessions. She knew something, what happened to him, but he doesn't know, if she knew _exactly_. Tyler tried to be happy for her, but he wasn't, at all. He was jealous and pissed.

It's like watching your best friend in the world dating your ex-boyfriend and seeing them doing everything you both would do in the past, like watching her have everything you had and loved back then, but you can't have it anymore. Probably really painful, depressing, sad and unhealthy. But Tyler doesn't know how love feels like, but he thinks it does exactly like that.

Even if he never stopped talking—because, honestly, being silent makes his life extremely difficult, and isn't a good way to make friends—he still wouldn't probably make a move to find any friend, or a lover. 

He lost almost the entirety of his sixteenth year, the year when a basic teenager usually blossoms and finds their perspectives. While the other people his age were talking about parties, losing their virginity and taking driving lessons, the only things he had to worry about were physical therapy, psychiatric therapy and constant visits at police station.

But eventually, his body healed as much as it was possible, but the pieces in his _mind_ got put back a little out of order instead, and the more his body healed, the more fractured his mind seemed to became. And it stayed like that, always.

So at the age of sixteen and seventeen, when everyone else is trying to figure out, _who_ they are, Tyler spent his whole time wondering, _why_ he was. He still doesn't know. It's not about suicidal thoughts and all that, no, but he still thinks, that he shouldn't be here, he shouldn't be alive. He doesn't want to die, but he thinks he should be dead at the moment. And everyone expecting him to be thankful, that he _isn't_ dead, isn't really helpful.

He had a lot of time left to think, a lot of time to be angry, a lot of time to worry about himself, but instead, he wasted his time to ask himself; _Why me?_ However, needless to say, all the questions didn't accomplish much. They made him realize, that there was no hope for him, that he was still feeling terrible, that he was going to feel terrible for the rest of his life, the life that should have let him go a long time ago.

His parents really wanted to believe, that everything was okay at the end, so for some time he tried to convince them, that it really was. It worked for them, but then he wanted to convince _himself_ , too, and it wasn't so easy that time. He knew the truth.

And finally he got angry. He got angry, and he started to cry, constantly, that loudly and hysterically, that his parents were able to hear him downstairs. But he stopped caring, if he was nice enough, if he didn't hurt people by what he was saying, and if he was saying only things, that they were expecting him to say, just to make everybody realize, that everything was maybe finally okay and they could move on.

He couldn't live so long with anger, before he started to hate. The hatred still wasn't strong enough, as he was too much helpless, but he finally stopped feeling so sorry for himself and started hating himself instead. That led him to make the only stable plan in his mind, which was revenge, followed by never ending silence that ate everybody and himself whole, making him count the days since he made the decision.

Today it's the four hundred sixty sixth day since he hasn't said a word.

And although this hatred and his plan can be good in some situations, it won't make him a lot of friends.

Ashley, and especially her friend, don't send Tyler nasty glares like any time before. Maybe Ashley told the other girl Tyler would be here today, or maybe her mom noticed her behaviour a week ago and told her to stop, because, honestly, Tyler doubts she would willingly stop.

Despite the presence of Ashley and her friend, which still makes Tyler really uncomfortable, the dinner is fun again, and he's surprisingly not bored at all. They are talking, and he is listening. They don't seem bothered by the fact, that he's completely silent, only nodding some time, but besides that, doing nothing to prove his interest in the conversation.

He is eternally glad, that, again, Brendon's parents don't judge him for what he is like. Maybe Brendon told them, maybe they realized something, but the fact is, if they found something wrong with Tyler the last time, they wouldn't invite him again, nor be so excited for his arrival.

After talking about topics Tyler had no idea about and gave him all right to listen, it's time for the conversation to turn to more obvious things, such as...

"I'm done with this. Which one of you?" Mrs. Urie begins, putting her cup loudly on a table. Everyone turns their faces to her, frowning. "I can smell cigarettes."

"Are you going to blame me again?" her husband protests. "I told you I'm smoking only at work."

"I swear to God, I can smell cigarettes. Maybe you didn't change your shirt."

"And I swear to God, you can bury your nose in this shirt and won't smell anything," he answers.

"Then I don't know," she gives up, looking around the table, looking at her daughter. "Ashley has asthma, but she could snatch some cigarette as well." Ashley protests immediately, saying it's ridiculous. "Tyler?" she asks, and Tyler shakes his head faster than Ashley.

Mrs. Urie does her investigation along the whole table, until it ends on Brendon.

"Me?" he asks a little too loudly, playing innocent, and he plays his role a little too professionally. Tyler and Josh are looking at each other, Tyler raising his eyebrows and Josh crossing his arms, both of them knowing the truth. "I haven't even touched a cigarette for months."

"You're going to fool your mother?"

"Obviously not! Josh went for a smoke earlier and he doesn't want to admit—"

"He was _definitely_ smoking, when we arrived here, Mrs. Urie," Josh interrupts, probably waiting ages for this moment, and apparently having full satisfaction, it's visible on his face. "Are you going to fool your own mother, Brendon?"

For the first time this week, Tyler wants to laugh. It's not the first time, when Josh showed his brilliant sense of humor.

Brendon rolls his eyes. "You're a _really great_ friend, thanks."

"Only when you don't use me for your own good," Josh answers.

"Exactly!" Brendon's mom chimes in. "Brendon, I am pregnant, you can't do that. You can smoke to death, I don't care, but not in this house."

"But it was like 2 hours ago," Brendon groans.

"It doesn't matter, if I still can smell it," she instructs her son.

"I know, I'm sorry." Brendon sighs. "I just missed this taste, you know?"

"You're disgusting," Ashley scoffs.

"Shut up if you never even tried it."

"Okay, okay, silence." Their mother warns both of them, which really makes them silent for a few moments. It doesn't last long, when she speaks up again, this time, unfortunately, and obviously, turning  her face to Tyler. "Was it okay, that Josh gave you a lift, Tyler? You don't mind, do you?" she asks him in completely different tone, and he can't pretend this time, that he can't hear, because she is sitting right beside him, by the very end of the table.

Tyler looks at her, and then at Josh, who, today, had to take a seat in front of him, beside Ashley's friend, because Tyler had hurried to sit anywhere but not next to them both. So now he can see Josh and Josh can see him every time they look up from the table. He shakes his head, looking at her again, and fortunately she gives him a smile.

"And you don't mind either, Josh?" she turns her face to Josh.

Josh, not looking away from Tyler, answers, "Not at all. My pleasure." It sounds like says it directly to him, not to Mrs. Urie, making Tyler raise his eyebrows again and give him a questioning look. Josh only shrugs, not able to do anything more, before Brendon's mom speaks again.

"Really? That's great. You know, there was no use for both of you to drive, when Tyler's house is literally on your way home," she explains. "And I thought, if you both knew each other, you wouldn't mind dropping him off."

"There's no problem, really," Josh answers with a pure honesty in his voice.

"So it won't be a problem either if you both come together on another dinner again?" she asks sweetly. Does it mean she's inviting him, again? And some time earlier he thought somebody else would take over his place here...

He doesn't mind, really, even if it means to receive looks from the other side of table from Josh, hear Ashley's voice and listen to Brendon's drunk stories, but he still feels like he doesn't fit in in this house.

He will think about it, obviously. He has a whole week ahead of him. But for now, he continues his listening to a family conversation, exchanging looks here and there with Josh, as if they are silently communicating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as you probably noticed, i used capitalization in letters this time, and will change it in previous chapters as soon as possible, because i have a feeling like people don't really like, when a story is written in lowercase. i mean, for me it doesn't matter if it's uppercase of lowercase, the most important thing is if it's grammatically correct, and i always proof-read a few times before posting, so hopefully it doesn't hurt that much to read, well, as much as my bilingualism allows me to.
> 
> i'm very thankful for every single comment and kudos you leave here. i'm currently writing another story, and your words keep me very motivated, really, i want to hug all of you. ♥️
> 
> share your opinions with me, pretty please.
> 
> i hope you're having a nice rest of the day.  
> now from me, goodnight, see you next time.  
> i love you a lot.


	13. speak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, to myself: you have piles of homework and study work to do, you don't have any time to update.  
> me: bet.

He is here again. And the next day, too. And the following day as well, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day.

He comes here every night, noiseless like a mouse, without a warning, without any invitation, and without caring if he's allowed to or not. He's visibly less scared. He moves more carelessly around the garage, sitting on a dusted floor and looking around with the same curiosity, and then at Josh, zoning out.

Josh didn't manage to make him leave yet. He really does make an appearance of a ghost. Talking to him is like talking to a wall. Even though he's very, very observant, nobody can make sure, if he really cares about what people say to him.

Josh decided to try him. Usually he doesn't mind Tyler's presence anymore. He's always really silent—as if that's a surprise—and Josh got used to him observing every move he does in his place. Tyler is curious; Maybe he hasn't experienced many interesting things in his life, and that's fine. But yesterday Josh wasn't in the same mood as the day before, and the day before, and the day before.

He didn't understand their relationship, because he wasn't able to call it any other way, from the beginning. Josh didn't allow Tyler to come into his life in the first place. But Tyler stepped into it himself. And then Tyler didn't allow them to have a normal contact like everybody else around them had. But yesterday it got into a final point.

He thought he wouldn't get angry at Tyler again—since the second memorable night he had stepped into the garage and Josh snapped at him—because, like he thought before, he didn't mind Tyler's presence, but sometimes he couldn't stand it anymore.

He still didn't know, why Tyler was doing all of this. He didn't know, if he planned something, if he planned to observe Josh to make it against him in the future. It was possible, and he never excluded that, even though it seemed pretty ridiculous.

If he wanted to be friends, to make some sort of contact, then why wouldn't he tell Josh? They spent enough time with each other at this point so he should know, that Josh wouldn't do any harm to him. He should go ahead and at least _tell_ Josh, not even speak to him, but tell him, in any possible way, what's going on, at least a hint, so he doesn't have to freak out every time.

But it seems like he's not going to. 

Josh was thinking a lot about it yesterday and thought about most drastic moves to make him explain things to Josh or simply leave. He couldn't be simply rude for him, but he figured, that if he at least tried one last time do something he doesn't usually do and it wouldn't work for Tyler, nothing else would anymore.

So when he had arrived at Josh's place at 1 a.m. with a phone in his hand and a sucker in his mouth and slid onto the floor under a counter like it was nothing, Josh wasn't able to hold it any longer. 

He was playing something on his phone, keeping his round sucker between his teeth and right cheek, pretty concentrated, and he looked so peaceful and calm and _safe_ , that it seemed pretty inappropriate, the thing Josh wanted to tell him in a minute, but it was the final streak. If it doesn't work this time, he won't try to make him leave anymore.

"Tyler," he spoke up from behind a table. He had probably said it too quietly, or it just went away with a wind and Tyler didn't hear, so he stated again, "Tyler, I'm serious. Get the fuck out."

He looked up at Josh, which meant he had heard clearly, and his eyes widened, his sucker making his way from the right cheek to the other, the mouth opened. It was a funny sight for Josh; He looked like he had just woken up and had no idea what was happening around him. Josh wanted to give out a smile, but he couldn't show it, not in that moment. What he said should make him realize Josh is nothing but pissed off.

But it didn't work. Tyler got up _one hour_ later as if nothing had really happened, and only left Josh guilty instead.

And he is here again. He's sitting again on the dusted floor, the only empty place in the room, legs straightened and swaying to the point that allows him to. Josh should clean here some time, at least give him some clean space to seat. The thought itself seems ridiculous right now. If he's dedicating Tyler a special place in his own house, Tyler could start living here at this point, it would be easier for both of them. 

He's looking at Josh, without any hint of anger or annoyance, to his surprise. He _should_ be mad; Josh acted like a dick again, and he realized it when it was too late. Maybe Tyler deserved it. Maybe in not _that_ harsh way. Maybe not at all.

It's not that Tyler is a burden, no. He never was. He can spend his time here even every night if he wants. He doesn't do any damage, he isn't a thief, there's no problem. Josh just wants to know _the reason_. The rest doesn't matter.

Josh gets up from his seat to head inside the house and grab something from the kitchen, even though it's past midnight. Maybe Tyler would want something, too. He was in this garage more times than he wasn't, and even though Josh wasn't the one to invite him, he should offer him something sometime.

_"I can leave if you want."_

Josh almost jumps with his hand on the door handle, hearing the voice from right behind him. It was quiet, but he heard it very clearly, even more clearly than necessary. He can replay this in his head and listen to it again, afraid that he only imagined it.

He _almost_ jumps. Almost. Because he spent too much time waiting for him to say something, _expecting_ him to say something, that he only wondered _what_ it would be, and he knew that it would eventually happen anytime soon.

But he would never expect him to make a sound at this moment, after Josh clearly told him to fuck off and let him know, that he wasn't welcome here. Maybe they _both_ didn't expect it, because they knew it wasn't true.

His voice is... different. Different than how Josh was imagining it. It's not the same feeling as hearing a newly met person for the first time. He got to know Tyler, as much as he was able to, he saw him almost every day, Tyler wasn't a stranger to him. And hearing him for the first time after all of that, makes it even more different.

Josh doesn't know, what he was imagining. He was maybe imagining Tyler's voice as something similar to his voice, maybe. But it wasn't. At all. Unfortunately he didn't get to hear it for a long time enough to describe it.

He curses himself mentally for standing in place and staring at the boy like an idiot for such a long time, because the opportunity of hearing his voice might never happen again. Maybe these were his first and last words to Josh.

Josh should answer that _yes_ , he wants him to leave, finally, he has wanted that since the first time Tyler stepped into the garage. But they both know it's a lie and Josh wouldn't know what to do if the boy stopped showing here out of nowhere.

"What did you say?" he asks quickly instead, as if he wasn't conscious enough to hear Tyler and have his last words stuck in his head forever.

"I said, I can leav—"

"Does anybody else know you talk?" he interrupts, being afraid, that Tyler would regret his actions or see consequences later, and that no matter what Josh would say now, Tyler would leave tonight and never return again, so he tries to pull out of him as much as possible, and to make him say something, anything, once again.

"No."

"Did you talk before?" Josh asks. Of course he did. Maybe long years ago, but he had to.

Tyler nods.

"Why don't you talk?"

Tyler doesn't answer. Josh is afraid he already lost him for good and he won't make a sound again.

"You won't tell me?"

Tyler shakes his head. At least this. "Can you not ask about it?" he speaks up again, very quietly, as if he's afraid somebody else besides Josh could hear him. Josh understands him. He doesn't know, what's going on, but he respects him.

Even though he really does want to know Tyler's story, he wants to know all of his secrets, if he's already involved in them; It will probably eat him alive if he doesn't find out in near future. But all he says is, "Alright, I won't. I promise."

Tyler only nods his head and keeps staring at the space near his left shoe. Josh is surprised, that he convinced Tyler so quickly and he doesn't sound so afraid of Josh hearing his voice. He didn't jump onto him yet nor started pleading Josh to stay quiet and never let tonight's events see the daylight.

"Why do you think I won't tell anybody you actually talk?"

"I don't think you want to tell."

Josh doesn't know, what Tyler means by that, but he's right. Josh doesn't want to reveal the truth. He doesn't want to tell it anybody in the world until Tyler himself decides to. If he is the first person who Tyler said a word to, he wants to keep his secret for himself. He doesn't want anybody else to know.

"Why do you trust me with this?" he asks Tyler again. He would never expect that he would have this kind of conversation with anybody, ever.

"I don't know, but I do," Tyler responds.

That hits Josh right in the point that was forgotten a long time ago. Tyler trusts Josh with whatever he committed to him. Josh still doesn't know, when actually he agreed to this. 

"So I am supposed to trust you, too?" Josh asks curiously.

Tyler shrugs in childish way and looks up at Josh. "You don't have to. I _don't_ know any of your secrets."

He has been here for only a few minutes, but since then, it feels like a lot of things changed. Tyler revealed one of his most important secrets to Josh, does that mean he will do the same thing with the rest? What are his secrets? Maybe Josh doesn't want to hear them at all. He asks himself for the hundredth time, when and how he agreed to all of this.

Josh knows something about Tyler that nobody else here does. But Josh himself hasn't had any secrets for years. Everybody knew his story, no matter, if he wanted this or not. Everybody knew, that his mother and sisters got tragically killed in a car accident. Everybody knew, that his father died from a heart attack later. Everybody knew, that his grandmother lost her fight with cancer. And everybody knows, that his grandfather will meet a similar fate soon. It seems like Josh is going to be the last one left alive, but he still isn't so sure about that, too.

Josh won't tell anybody about Tyler. His head is being haunted with thousands of questions at the moment, but one thing he does know. Tyler is safe with him, and Josh will do his best to make sure about it.

To his surprise, Tyler is sitting still where he was sitting before. He didn't move, Josh didn't scare him off enough to run away. But maybe there was enough serious questions for now. It must be difficult for him to answer them all. Josh thinks about anything else to ask, just to keep the conversation going.

"You don't have an accent." That's the first thing that comes into his mind. Probably not the best one.

Tyler finally looks up at Josh, visibly closer to Josh somehow, looking like he's right here, right in front of him, not several feet away on the floor. It makes them both sick, that they are so far away.

"You know, Brendon told me you're British, so I assumed..."

Tyler only shakes his head.

" _Are you_ British?" Josh asks, still looking at him in the eyes from distance. Tyler doing the same.

"Maybe," he mumbles. Of course. That was probably enough serious answers for today. At least there were some, that made Josh more calm.

He changes the topic. "Sorry for yelling at you yesterday."

"S'okay."

"You're not mad?"

Tyler shrugs, and that's his only response. Josh realizes it still will be hard to communicate with him, even when he started talking now.

Tyler coughs two times, preparing to say something, maybe to ask his own question. He stays silent for a little while, before coughing again.

"Do you live here alone?" he finally asks. This question burdened him for too long time. He never saw Josh's parents in this house, or anybody else, when he was inside one time. Nobody minds, that he is drumming in an opened garage in the middle of the night, and that's strange.

"I do," Josh answers.

"Why?"

Josh raises his eyebrows. He wants to stand up and step closer, but doesn't do it. "Why do I live alone?"

"Yes."

"It was a necessity," is the only thing Josh can say. And it's not a lie at all.

"Is it hard to..." Tyler hesitates for a moment, finding any correct words to use, "to get the... permission? To live alone?"

Josh smiles and snorts. "Not at all." Tyler looks at him with cocked eyebrow, apparently not believing in anything Josh is trying to tell him. "No, really. It's embarrassingly easy. Two things that are actually important are your age and if you have enough money to provide yourself a home. Do you think they would really care about any other stuff if by letting kids live alone they don't have to pay for them anymore? You're getting legal at younger age. That's a brilliant opportunity for the head of the state."

"But what did you have to do?" Tyler asks curiously, surprisingly interested in the topic. He lives with his aunt, maybe he wants to get emancipated, too. But he will probably be 18 really soon, so there's no use to try anymore. Josh and his grandfather took care of it a little over a year ago, when he was freshly 17 and they found out he was sick and had to leave Josh soon.

"Fill out some papers, give them a documentation proving that you're at least 16 years old and you have enough financial means to live all by yourself. Your legal guardian signs it, some other insignificant stuff, and yeah. You're free."

Tyler nods, not asking about money, so Josh doesn't have to feel nervous about explaining it to him.

"Who's your legal guardian?" he asks instead. It's still not a comfortable question. Josh doesn't mind to share it with Tyler, but maybe just not yet. Not during their first talk. He will find out sooner than later. Everybody else knows Josh's story, but at least right now there's one person, that doesn't know about this bullshit at all. At least for a little while.

"You know, Brendon likes to talk. Maybe you should ask him, he'd be happy for a whole day to share the story," Josh tries to walk away from the topic. He has no idea, why he brought up Brendon to this. Of course, Brendon would spill anything if asked, but Josh just doesn't see Tyler asking Brendon about his personal life. "He wouldn't shut his mouth for a second. I recommend."

"I think he would rather do other things with my mouth," Tyler answers quietly, but enough for Josh to hear. Josh nearly chokes on his own spit, not able to believe, that Tyler said something like this, or maybe that he said that so casually, without anything suggestive in his voice. He gives Josh an innocent look as if he's not aware about what came out of his mouth, at all.

Apparently Tyler got to know Brendon good enough already to notice how big of a dick he is. He doesn't hide with it, even with Tyler, and Josh will probably gibe at him for that someday, if he doesn't stop.

"Then he would be happy for a whole week, even, you know," Josh blurts out, hitting himself in the chest mentally for even opening his mouth.

Tyler is staring at him with a frown, expecting Josh to say something more. It makes Josh laugh.

"Would you want it?" He didn't plan to ask it, but it's stronger than him. He'll pay for it in the future. This conversation didn't end up where it was supposed to end up. Josh isn't sure, if he should complain, or not. 

Tyler raises his eyebrows, which makes Josh laugh again. He shouldn't be laughing at Tyler, but in fact he isn't laughing at him, but at the way he acts so oblivious. He should start laughing, too. A long time passed since the last time.

No matter, how much Josh wants to hear the answer, Tyler shakes his head, hiding his face behind his shoulder and trying to hang his gaze as far away from Josh as possible. He gets up, cleans his shorts from the dust, and leaves the garage without any word or a nod for goodbye.

Josh doesn't mind. He smiles at the white shadow disappearing behind the gate and at the end of an empty road.

He really likes his voice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe it already happened. it will lead to much, much more.
> 
> if you're confused about tyler's nationality, he's british, but not from great britain. his mother is from great britain, but he was born in cincinnati, and that's where he had lived for his whole life. then he moved to his aunt in columbus, and that's where everything is taking place.
> 
> i love you guys, i really do. thank you for reading and commenting. it always means everything for me. i can't thank you enough. ♥️  
> i hope you're having a nice rest of the day. stay alive.


	14. flower heart

Tyler promised to visit his childhood house for a weekend to meet his family and to go to an appointment with his therapist almost a month ago and it still didn't happen, so he has to finally show up there today.

Honestly, he doesn't want to. He doesn't know, what is waiting there for him, and he doesn't want to know. That's why he's been procrastinating the visit until today. The more he's delaying, the more anxious he gets, because he can't get the reminder out of his head.

He still goes regularly to monthly therapy sessions even though he doesn't say a word during them. Others would say he didn't quit to show people he cares about it, but it's not true. He does this effort to do everything that's necessary only to be left alone.

His parents made a decision about the therapy when he still was laying in a hospital bed. It has to be done as fast as possible, even though everything had been lost at that point.

He has gone to therapy sessions enough times to finally understand, that anything that happened wasn't his fault and he didn't provoke anybody to do anything, nor deserved it. But when they tell you that something was completely and utterly random, they're also telling you something else; that no matter what you do, it would not matter. It doesn't matter if you do everything right, if you dress the right way and act the right way and follow all the rules. Evil will find you anyway. 

He would go to support group meetings, too, but he hated them with a passion even before he stopped talking. He never understood, how listening to somebody's bad stories would make him feel better. _He_ is in his own body and in his own mind, and he shouldn't care about others. It isn't even thinking in an egoistic way. Comforting somebody by telling them that other people have worse life is such a terrible thing to do.

Everybody sits in a circle and tells the most drastic events they've witnessed in their life. He doesn't feel safe when he is surrounded by people being as destroyed as he is. The only feeling that floods his chest is danger, anxiety, and everything related to being uncomfortable.

Now, it got even worse. When you don't talk, only listen to everybody else and send them fugitive glances, people slowly start finding you as an enemy and they stop trusting you. Like if you were stealing somebody's pain, but not offering anything in return. They really do look at him as some sort of thief.

He's got to hear about rapes, hate crimes, gunshot wounds, and he got to hear it from people who knew their murderers and the ones that didn't; people whose assailants were punished and the ones' that weren't, at all.

He couldn't even feel sorry, because he felt like he wasn't able to have any good emotion towards others. Even if that wasn't true, he kept reminding himself he didn't have a heart, he didn't deserve anything besides pain, that he was being rude, without heart and without feelings, that his murderer took all of this away from him.

Every week he had to try to find a comfort in eavesdropping somebody's nightmares and stay silent himself, receiving hostile glances from people who had no idea why he was there. But he wanted to yell, shout from the top of his lungs, tell them that they were wrong and his story wasn't any less painful than theirs, and that he paid it the same as everybody else in the room.

He just couldn't. It was too much.

He doesn't need many things from Debby's house, as he has still most of his old clothes back at home. Hopefully his old room still exists, maybe not looking like how he left it the last time. He only borrows some of Debby's make-up products to make the dark circles under his eyes less visible and his face looking more alive-like, so his parents will think things are getting better and they hopefully won't make him come back to his hometown.

Tyler probably won't be able to make it to the Sunday dinner at Urie's, being too tired to that point he will most likely fall asleep in the bus on the way back home, and generally too exhausted with the visit at family house, with all the questions and familiar faces that he wants to remove from his head as quickly as possible, but never succeeds.

He thought about telling Josh about not showing up at his house with a ride to the Sunday dinner and about him being away for a weekend, but then remembered, that they don't have any commitment towards each other, Tyler doesn't owe him any explanation, and Josh most probably wouldn't care.

Debby drops him off at the bus station, waiting to the moment until the bus with Tyler inside disappears from her view, and honestly, Tyler is more terrified than ever since he's moved to her house. His parents will seem foreign to him and he won't know how to behave around them. A relation with his parents has changed a long time ago, and he didn't act like their child at all, just as a strange kid who lives under their roof. He doesn't live under their roof anymore, which means communicating with them would be extremely difficult. Tyler doesn't want to talk to them at all.

When he finally walks through the huge front door of the house he grew up in, he feels like home. But this feeling doesn't last long. He wants to come back home one day and feel something he used to feel before. But maybe it never even existed; Maybe it's only his imagination that tricks him.

His mother is sitting at the big dining table, where he used to eat, looking through the photographs spread all over the surface. His mother is a florist; She made him so fond of, and even obsessed, with flowers as a kid, taking him to her work sometimes and making him really comfortable around the bunch of colourful plants. He still remembers, how to make a couple of big bouquets, he would made various wedding bouquets and wreaths. It would be his part-time job, between school and playing the piano.

The walls in his room were always covered with singular wildflowers sticked to them with a tape, the flowers that his mother would snatch once and twice from her baskets and nobody would know. In fact, the whole house has always been decorated with all possible kinds of flowers not common in the area where they lived, but Tyler's room looked like the real flower shop. The flowers on the walls have probably withered at this point, but Tyler won't agree to take them off.

His mother almost jumps on her chair at the sight of Tyler by the door, and she's in front of Tyler in seconds. It doesn't take long until she wraps her arms around him, almost picking him up from the floor. He hugs her back, because he's aware, that she needs it, even if he doesn't. It's different than wrapping arms around Brendon's mom after she greets him before a Sunday dinner. It's _more_ awkward and uncomfortable. She pulls back and looks down at Tyler's face, with the look in her eyes Tyler has got used to in the past two and half years. The look of a woman waiting for somebody, who will never come back.

Not only Tyler is no one who he used to be; They all are. They were forced. When he sees this, it always leaves him guilty, that he couldn't make it different for them, and couldn't give them everything they believed they had gotten back the day they had found him alive and not dead. It all happened immediately, suddenly, with a double force. None of them was ready for it, but they didn't have a choice.

Tyler is saved by the appearance of his brother, Zack, who is jumping down the stairs with a wide smile on his face, filled with honesty. He's younger than Tyler, but looking older than him, stronger than him, and probably better in everything than him. He grabs Tyler in a bear hug, almost crushing him, not caring how Tyler always used to tell him, that he hated being touched like that out of nowhere. But now he doesn't mind either. It's his little brother who has never left him despite everything. He might be younger than Tyler, but they both probably don't realize that. Zack would beat the world down if it meant to protect Tyler, even though he _can't_ protect him anymore, in any way.

Their mother tells them, that Tyler's therapy begins in an hour, to which Zack immediately offers to go there with Tyler and keep him company. Tyler doesn't mind company, especially when it's him. He missed him.

During the walk, Zack is talking about school,—he's one grade below Tyler—about how many cool friends he's gained after being accepted to a soccer team, and how he feels like being fulfilled, about his new girlfriend who he met a few weeks ago, how beautiful she is and how he is excited for Tyler to meet her one day.

His life seems so uncomplicated and so perfect, that Tyler really sometimes feels envious. Even before _it all_ , it was known that Zack would be _somebody_ in life, that he would reach tops of the mountains. So nothing Tyler had ever had guaranteed.

"Mom still hopes you will come back," Zack breaks the sudden silence. He isn't looking at Tyler. Tyler doesn't know, if he means coming back home or just _coming back._ "I know you're not going to."

He's right. If Tyler would be able to come back, he _would_ come back. It just seems impossible and remote to him and it's not going to happen.

"You know, uh..." Zack begins again, "I am proud of you." He looks down at Tyler to see his reaction, but quickly continues to clear things up. "Just... I'm proud of everything. You felt terrible in this house, and I was sure it would be even worse at Debby's, but you seem to do great."

Tyler frowns at him in confusion.

"You do. I mean... Your... even your _face_ looks better. I have no idea how are you living there, if it's better or not, but when I saw you today, dammit, you just..." Zack stutters, not being able to properly connect every word flooding his mind, because there are too many. "You just _look_ healthier. I don't know, maybe I am paranoid, but you do. You looked much worse here. No offence—"

He looks at Tyler again, who only nods to show his agreement. Zack sighs in relief.

"We were so scared to leave you at Debby's, everybody was, but I was probably the most terrified. I thought I might lose you forever, seriously." He chuckles lightly. "I thought you would never visit us again, and even if you would, it wouldn't be the same and you would hate us. That's why I ran up to you like that today. I was damn happy."

Tyler feels tears welling up in his eyes, but don't let them release. Zack doesn't deserve it; anything of it. Tyler would never hate him, of all people. Zack has helped him the most when anyone else wasn't able to. He doesn't deserve a brother like him at all. _He_ should be hating Tyler; for all the difficulties that fell onto him because of his older brother.

Tyler constantly nods his head to show Zack that he is listening. And he will always listen, no matter what topic he will come up with.

"You don't have to smile. I know what you feel. At least I'm trying to understand. Nobody can force you to do anything. If they do, I'd deal with them later." He laughs in Tyler's direction to lighten up the mood. "So is it good at Debby's? She doesn't starve you, right?" he jokes. "I mean, are you comfortable there? I hope you are."

Leaving out Debby's attitude, her talkativeness, and all the things he had to do because she told him to, but he didn't want to, and despite his surprise, he feels good there. She really wants good for him. School is a different thing.

He nods his head.

"That's _great_. You're fucking amazing, Tyler. I couldn't have a better older brother." There's a pure honesty in his voice, as always, anyway. However, that's Zack who always seems to be older than Tyler, this older brother who gets to comfort him and tell him good things and jokes to make him feel better. 

After all that happened, Zack had to grow up quickly, he didn't have a choice. Their parents couldn't look after him the way they used to. Everybody's head was turned in Tyler's direction. He understood and tried to do anything to help them.

"Seriously, if I could tell everyone about you, I would. Because you're like my role model and you taught me so much. I sound like a twelve-year-old now, but hopefully you understand me." He takes a deep breath to clear everything up in his mind. "When I think about myself, I feel like a fucking failure..."

Tyler wants to ask him thousand questions. What is he talking about? It's _Zack_ who right now is doing everything Tyler has always wanted to do, it's Zack who's the face of success, he has every right to be proud of himself. Tyler doesn't tell him it very often, especially now. He should.

"You're a real trooper. I wish I was as strong as you. I have everything given on a silver platter, right in front of my nose. But _you_ have been fighting this whole time when I was receiving stupid awards."

Tyler takes a step to Zack's side and does nothing other than wrapping his arms around his brother, really tight. He doesn't care if people can see. Zack doesn't have any right to think like that. It's not and it never was his fault. He's a great kid. Tyler regrets that he can't tell him that. Maybe soon.

"If I can't be with you anymore," Zack mumbles still embracing Tyler in a hug, "I really hope you will find someone who will treat you how you deserve to be treated and will prove you wrong."

Tyler only squeezes his eyelids on Zack's arm. It's not the time to break. It's not. He nods his head.

"I know people are terrible. They fucking suck, holy shit... But I promise, someday you will find a person who will make forget about anybody who made you feel any less amazing than you actually are."

They pull away, standing and staring at each other for a little while, and then walking again. Tyler wishes he could take Zack with him to Debby's.

The therapist is surprisingly talkative today. Tyler doesn't know what it is for. It's not that he's listening. She brings up everything Tyler is already aware of. Nothing new. She's talking, he's zoning out. He's thinking about the cake he baked yesterday, about flowers, about boys with yellow colored hair and colorful tattoos.

Zack is standing right in front of the building when Tyler's therapy ends. He didn't expect him to walk him home, but again, he doesn't mind Zack's company.

This time they are walking in silence. It's almost afternoon. This day has been too long already.

"Mom wants you to talk with the detective tomorrow," he suddenly hears Zack say, and the mood that got lighted up earlier, immediately sinks somewhere deep. "She will visit us, if you don't want to go to the station. They want to show you some more pictures. Obviously you don't remember anything, but they are still trying, and it's worth to look anyway, in case something appears in your memory."

Tyler turns away to look at passing cars so he doesn't have to look at his brother's face and lie to him in silence. The thing is, he doesn't need any memory helpers in the form of pictures. He remembers everything. He recalls every detail of _his_ face every day.

But he does agree to a meeting with the detective on Sunday morning. They are sitting at the large table in the dining room, all alone, face to face. Tyler is looking at the pictures, at drawings of possibly accused faces. He shakes his head every time. _He_ is not here. The police worker sighs and taps her hands on the table.

Tyler should tell them. He knows he should. He knows exactly the face that took his life away from him, but nobody else does. He should tell them.

He just want _him_ all to himself. He doesn't want to find _him_ through the police. He wants to catch _him_ when nobody expects it, when _he_ walks on streets completely free and without any suspicion. He knows _he_ is somewhere near.

After the detective sends Tyler a sympathetic smile and leaves, the delicious smell of pancakes from the kitchen fills Tyler's senses. Zack shows up downstairs with nothing but swim trunks, without a shirt, and is immediately sent back to his room by his mother. He groans but comes back to dress himself anyway. He goes to the beach with his brand new girlfriend, the one he's head over heels with.

Tyler doesn't mind and is happy for him; Taking a person you're stupidly in love with to the beach is a great idea. He's excited to meet the girl that makes Zack pretend, that he doesn't act like a love-sick idiot, but when he offers Tyler to go with them, Tyler shakes his head.

"Oh come on, it will be fun," he tries to convince Tyler.

Despite the fact, that Tyler's skin is incredibly pale and spending hours under an open sun wouldn't affect good on him, he might have considered it. But he doesn't. He left Cincinnati for good, but there still are people who can easily recognise him. Additionally, he would have to keep his shirt on not to show any scars on his front, and with that hear dozens of stupid questions thrown towards him. No, thanks. He shakes his head again.

"Tyler, go with him. Your old friends will be there," his mother presses with a hint of hope. It's hard to look at her hopeful face, when he has to kill this hope anyway.

Tyler doesn't know, what she's more wrong about; thinking, that it is such a great point that will convince Tyler, or thinking that he actually has any old friends here. The only friends from his past are most likely spending this beautiful day with a musical instrument, not laying half-naked on the beach.

"You have to be around people sometimes, Tyler," she continues. She is talking about something more than going to the beach. "You didn't choose what happened to you. But you do have a choice on what is happening _now_. We don't decide for you anymore. We forced too many things to you, and it's enough. But think about that. Think about how long you are going to keep your life even more difficult."

She probably still doesn't know, that Tyler isn't the one in control in his own mind. He can't change his being with one finger click. If he could, he would. He doesn't need any more lessons at this point.

They sit at the table eating the pancakes in complete silence. Even Zack isn't talking, and it isn't very his thing to do; staying quiet. After the breakfast Tyler hides in his old room decorated by his own forest and sits to stare through his window.

He notices Zack's girlfriend an hour later, knocking on the front door. They look so sweet with each other. It's probably the last time Tyler is seeing his brother in a long time.

A few hours later Tyler finally leaves his room and pack some of his things. Everybody walks him out to the bus station. His mother reminds him to leave her a message when he gets back to Debby's safely. Tyler doesn't want to look at their faces and see what they are showing.

As he has been expecting, the visit in his family house was exhausting, not especially for his body, but for his mind. It's difficult to live in a different house, hide behind different face, different behaviour and different clothes.

He will be back home somewhere near 7 p.m., too late for the Sunday dinner at Urie's, so that he won't need to struggle whether to go or not.

Tyler feels a little bit guilty, than neither him or Josh haven't told Brendon that they both spend so much time with each other; more than he expects them to. It's not that Tyler doesn't want him to know—Brendon is a good guy, after all—but it would start a chaos, he would question everything around these two, and Tyler would like to avoid it.

Besides, these night hours Tyler spends in Josh's garage, far away from school, house, Debby, and everything else, belong only to him and he doesn't want to share them with anybody else than Josh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know you all might probably see tyler in a weird light for being such a baby about all of this, but don't blame him, he does nothing wrong, and although something happened already two years ago, he still has a huge post-traumatic stress disorder he has do deal with. he will get better, though. it won't be that sad as you're expecting it to be. he is going to have a person who will carry him through the whole way.
> 
> the zack's monologue is so important to me and these words are taken from the bottom of my heart.
> 
> it's actually also like... my dream, to have a person who doesn't constantly remind me that i'm an unworthy failure and a waste of oxygen. but well. enough of my story, you didn't come here to read about me, soooo
> 
> so what do you think about this chapter? please, tell me. it's really important to me. if you're already here, leave a comment. i'm sorry about being so whiny about comments, but i just love reading and responding to them. they make the girl happy. ♥️


	15. you don't know him like i do

Josh is getting ready to a weekly dinner at Brendon's, already putting on his shoes and looking at himself in a mirror, suddenly caring about his look. Usually he would grab random clothes and pants he'd been wearing for a few days, used to the fact that he wasn't a surprise in their house and didn't need to impress anybody.

Lately he's got give Tyler a ride every Sunday, and it probably won't change in the near future, so for some reason he starts to pick clothes to wear to the dinner a few hours earlier now.

He almost pulls on a door handle, before a loud knock on the door interrupts him. He isn't expecting anybody. There's no way Tyler would come to his house at this hour. Josh has to give him a lift anyway. Weird.

When he opens the door, he can see a woman he has never seen before; short, with blonde hair, a bag sliding from her shoulder. He notices a foreign car on his driveway. Who is she and what the hell did she come with to waste his time exactly when he's in hurry?

"Tyler can't make it to dinner today," she goes straight to the topic without introducing herself. It's about Tyler. Oh. "He asked me to drop this off on my way to work." She hands him a big plastic and transparent dish with an impressively looking cake inside. The same dish Tyler would bring every week to dinner and give it to Brendon's mother.

"Okay..." He grabs the cake from her hands, looking confused but hugging the dish to his side anyway. "He _asked_ you?" He recalls what she said earlier. Tyler talking to other people but lying about it to him? Josh thought he was the only person Tyler had spoken to, but turns out he was wrong. And for some reason it bothers him. A lot.

"Yeah. He gave me this," she pulls out a blue sticky note filled with a dainty handwriting and shows it to Josh, then reads it herself, "He said, _Drop this cake off on Sunday, about 5:45 p.m_ , and the address that led me here. Then the word _Please_ , and a sad looking emoticon." She hides the note and looks up at Josh. She sounds irritated, having to explain such thing to him. "It's the longest message he's given me in years," she says with a tone in her voice that hides some implied message. No matter who she is, Josh fights with himself not to inform her, that in that case Tyler has told Josh more words during one night, than to her in all those years. He stops himself before it gets too late and heated, obviously.

"Okay then," Josh mumbles. "Thanks."

"Who are you?" she asks, changing the topic completely.

"Um, Josh?..." he answers, suddenly losing his trust to this girl.

"Can I come in?" No way.

Josh has no idea, what is going on, and he's already late to dinner, but he doesn't want to be rude and looks at her again. She doesn't resemble Tyler in any way, she doesn't look exactly how one of Tyler's friends would look like, but maybe it's that aunt Brendon mentioned a few times. She looks too young, though.

"I'm Debby. Tyler lives with me," she says confidently. Okay then. "Listen, straight to the topic, because I have to be at work soon, and beating around the bush is not the thing I do."

"Okay..."

"Even if it weren't for the cake, I would have come here anyway this weekend, because I want to find out what the hell is going on."

Josh grows even more suspicious, he's afraid of questions she might ask, questions about Tyler that there's no way in hell Josh is going to answer, even though she's Tyler's aunt, but he keeps listening anyway.

"In Tyler's phone there's a tracker." Oh, shit. She stares at Josh, maybe waiting for some sort of reaction from him, but he doesn't even flinch. If she wants answers, Josh will choose some of them to come out from his mouth, but not from the look on his face. "Some days I check it to know where Tyler is going to, because I'm responsible for him, and I just _have_ to look after him more than he needs to, but nevermind." Josh nods. "But some weeks ago _this_ exact address had popped up, so I had started checking it more often, and do you know, what did I find out?"

Of course he does.

"This address kept coming up again and again, at eleven o'clock, midnight, _one o'clock_..." she emphasizes the last words.

That's correct. Josh lets her talk again, waiting for her to ask him finally some questions. If not, he won't tell her a word.

"Is there something you want to tell me?" she asks, as if she could have read it from Josh's mind.

"Is there something you want to know?" Josh answers. Stupid question, stupid answer.

"What's going on?" she asks expectantly.

"Why won't you ask him that?"

" _He doesn't talk to me_." There's pained expression painted on her face. 

She looks somewhere behind Josh, around the house, every time she ends her statement, as if she's looking for some porn collection somewhere in the corner of the room, or large supplies of weed. Josh almost gets offended, because she lets Tyler hang out with _Brendon_ , but Josh from all people seems suspicious to her.

Maybe that's because Brendon, being Brendon, most probably had knocked nicely on Tyler's door the first Sunday evening and asked Tyler to go with him to dinner. Josh, on the other hand, allows Tyler to come all alone almost every late night to his garage, without anybody's knowledge what they might be doing there, so maybe she has a point.

"Then why would he be talking to _me_?" He acts like a child, giving her answers in a form of questions, that don't lead her anywhere further.

"Listen, I don't care _what_ you both are doing there, and if you use him for some selfish reasons, it's his decision, even though he's too young for se—"

"Hang on, hang on," Josh doesn't let her finish before she gets too far. Does she really think him and Tyler are _together_ , in some way? Did Tyler tell her something about him? Is Tyler gay that she comes up with something like this to Josh? One thing he does know, Tyler is obviously not that kind of person to hook up and do whatever she thinks he is doing with random people away from home in the middle of the night. "He's in my music class, and he's far behind with the material, so he comes here and watches me playing drums."

"And that's it?" she scoffs, sounding disappointed.

Josh raises his eyebrows, and gives her a look clear enough to tell her to leave him alone. "Yeah?"

"And your parents don't mind that he's here all the time? _At night?_ "

"Not at all." Josh shrugs, ending the conversation. Well, this isn't _completely_ a lie.

Debby only shrugs, certain that she doesn't have anything else here to find. Josh would answer more questions, though. It was fun. But he's glad when she leaves his house and drives away.

He is late to a dinner, but seemingly the whole family has been waiting for him. They all are sitting by the large table, immediately looking in the direction of front door opening.

"Finally!" Brendon shouts, not even seeing Josh yet. "Where's Tyler?" he asks, when Josh steps into the dining room, alone.

"Oh, Tyler won't come?" Brendon's mom speaks, genuinely disappointed. "But you brought the cake?"

"Yeah, his... aunt dropped this off earlier," he hesitates, not sure if he should've brought up Tyler's aunt. "And said that Tyler had baked it for tonight."

"The sweetest boy!" she exclaims, and grabs the cake from Josh's hold, carrying it into the kitchen. Josh has to agree with her on that.

There are only five of them by the dining table tonight; Brendon's parents, Brendon, Ashley and Josh, Josh without Tyler and Ashley without her friend. Unfortunately, she won't be busy talking to her friend this time, so that means she will have to join the main conversation.

They don't mention Tyler this time, at least. There is no need to talk about him when he's not here anyway. He should hear what they have to say about him.

However, it is until the cake is being placed on the table. Tyler's cake. Brendon's mom doesn't get to take the first bite, when she breaks the silence, "So, what do you actually think about Tyler? He is the sweetest thing, isn't he?"

"With the sweetest taste in cakes," Brendon adds.

Then Brendon's mom turns to Josh, "What about you, Josh?"

Josh thinks about a proper response. "He's pretty n—"

"He's a freak," Josh doesn't get to finish, being interrupted by Ashley strangling her piece of cake with a fork. To addition to that, she is looking at Josh whilst saying it, and that pisses him off even more.

"What makes you think like that?" he asks with a fake calmness.

She sneers at that. "Have you even seen him? He's totally mental." It gives her more fun than it should. And Josh is really close to do something to her, no matter if she's a girl.

"Okay, first of all, go fuck yourself—"

"What got you so defensive about him, Josh?" she scoffs, leaning against the chair and crossing her arms on her chest.

"None of your business," Josh finishes.

"Ashley, not everybody has such as easy life as you." Mrs. Urie joins the conversation back. "Some people have real problems, you should try to empathize, not to judge from the beginning." Josh suddenly feels like he wants to add something.

"Is that why you invite him? Because you feel bad for him?" he asks Brendon's mother and father.

"No, no, not at all," she tries to protest. "We really like him." Brendon's mom sounds like she's surprised by Josh's question, as if that wasn't obvious.

"Well, _I_ don't like him," Ashley chimes in, rolling her eyes.

"Shut your mouth," Brendon speaks up even before she manages to finish her sentence.

"Brendon, silence!" Mrs. Urie lays her fork down on a plate with a loud sound, looking like she would rather slam it onto the table instead.

"What?" Brendon asks, sounding annoyed and pissed off at the same time. "She can be a bitch and I can't tell her once to shut up?"

"I'm just telling facts, at least I don't lie, you asshole," Ashley continues.

Brendon almost stands up from his chair. "You can't see the difference between being honest and being just a bitch. Accept it."

"Sit down," his mother says with a fake calmness in her voice. She shouldn't get so nervous all the time especially when she's pregnant right now, but she's dug a hole herself first.

"I don't understand, how can you like him?" Josh asks after a few minutes of longed-for silence. "You don't even know him."

Josh knows he shouldn't even have opened his mouth again. They had apparently ended the topic and he started it again. But he can't help it. It looks like they treat Tyler like a paper doll. Because what's more generous, kind and understanding than their pity to that misguided, mentally unstable and mute boy they've taken in? Josh hates hearing things like that and doesn't want people to treat Tyler this way.

"I don't think we have to know him well to like him," Brendon's mom responds. "Also, you can't just get to know really well a boy who can't talk."

Who _doesn't_ talk, Josh wants to correct her. He _can_ talk, and his voice is dulcet, but he won't talk. But they don't know that.

She tries to convince Josh with her look, and he can't disagree. The truth is that you can't know Tyler at all, because he won't give you anything real and absolute. Josh likes him. But he doesn't know him, either. 

"So how do you think you like him?" Josh presses. It's not that he's angry now. He is just curious and wants to know.

"He's a really nice boy," she says as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. "He has manners. Never comes here empty-handed. It means something," she explains. But if it wasn't enough, she obviously has to add something that is out of the topic, "There's just something going on in his life, and we _can't_ judge him for—"

"So what is it, finally?" Josh cuts off. "I don't understand. You do it because you feel sorry for him, or you do invite him here to show Ashley how to be a better person?"

Josh doesn't want to fight, it's not how Sunday dinners were supposed to be, but it was getting to close to the point where Brendon's mom would start some sort of psychoanalysis, so Josh couldn't let it happen. It feels like _he_ is being examined at this table, being torn from all his fears, choices and life mistakes, letting people show him how wise they are. It feels terrible. He can't do that to Tyler.

"Josh..."

There's too much meaning in this word and Josh can hear that in her voice. Everybody is looking at him. He blames himself for this, for not being able to keep his stupid mouth shut, again. It's new for them. Josh had never outburst before by this table, he had never even raised his voice before. It must be something else and have some solid reason. They are expecting answers from him.

"Just..." Josh tries to find any proper words not to dig deeper. He doesn't want apologies. He doesn't need them. Tyler does. "He's not some kind of a rag doll."

"Really? Because he dresses like one," Ashley interferes.

"What's your problem?" Josh demands, losing his patience.

"What's _my_ problem? Listen to yourself once. You say my parents are not allowed to be nice to him, but _I_ am not allowed _not_ to be nice. Choose one!" she raises her voice, not caring about her family around her. The worst part is that she is right this time. Josh is the one with the issue, he is the one who causes problems and starts fights because he has no idea what to do with himself and who Tyler is to him to make him do all of this.

Josh is certain that it's his fault that the dinner turned into a complete mess. He should have kept his mouth closed like he always does. He should have listened to them struggling with getting to know Tyler. But it was stronger than himself. He wouldn't allow them to do it.

It's not long before everybody stands up from their seats and says goodbye, pretending that nothing happened earlier. Despite all, Josh hopes today's events won't affect on any other dinner soon.

Mrs. Urie manages to corner Josh while he is already sitting in his car, ready to leave. He thought it was a finish for tonight, but apparently it wasn't.

"Listen, Josh. Which one of you is his boyfriend?"

Josh raises his eyebrows, looking somewhere through the window in front of him. It's the second person assuming it to him today. Does it look so obvious?

"Maybe you should ask Brendon," Josh says.

"Josh..." He wishes she would stop saying his name like that. "Just be honest with me."

"Why do you think like you know everything better?" Josh asks, too late to notice that it might sound rude.

"It's visible that you two are connected with each other in some way. You won't lie to me."

"But why are you asking me that?"

"I see how he looks like, he covers his face, doesn't talk. He might be silent, but he's asking for help," she tells him.

Josh feels like he might burst into ugly crying in a second.

"So why won't anybody help him?" He finally looks at her, only seeing her eyes clearly, reflecting the lights outside.

"Nobody knows how. That's why I'm asking you."

"Why me? Why don't you ask your son instead?"

"Brendon doesn't care," she says.

"Neither do I," Josh responds without thinking and drives away without any other word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading and being here. ♥️  
> thank you for all the comments, kudos. thank you. i always feel like nobody appreciates my work, but then i see even one single comment and it makes me feel better, really. your opinion is very important to me. talk to me. tell me about your day.
> 
> and tell me what you think about this chapter, of course. :-)
> 
> thank you,  
> stay alive, please.


	16. too many faces

It's Monday afternoon and all the energy left in Tyler's body has already died out, so he has to fight with his own self to stay awake and keep listening to whatever a teacher has to say.

He fell asleep at four in the morning, but it feels like he didn't get any sleep at all. Two hours is like nothing. But he's got used to it. The fact that he got any sleep at all is surprising enough.

There's probably no use even going to school as teachers don't have time to teach and they only tell you to work by yourself. Tyler barely has his eyes opened in every class.

He saw Josh in the morning in music class, chatting with their teacher again and not participating in class at all. Tyler thought Josh might have been mad at him for some reason, for not telling him he would be away for the weekend and disappearing without a word, but Josh was just looking at him here or there in class, without the angry look on his face Tyler remembered from the times he first saw him, and Tyler would respond to him by sending sleepy glances.

During a long break less and less people go out to the courtyard. It's getting cold and they prefer crowding hallways instead. Tyler doesn't know, where to head to; He would always choose the bathroom in the end of courtyard, walking all the way through all the benches and the now familiar faces. He decides to find it from the inside now. He doesn't want to stand somewhere in a hall looking awkward and being observed by other people.

Living in this school is like a survival. Even though it's big, there are still too many people here, blocking doors and the way through stairs, so Tyler has to use his elbows to push them away and walk freely.

Tyler runs downstairs to the lowest level where is, unfortunately, the biggest chaos, but to his luck, the bathroom is right next to the stairs, so it won't be that much trouble.

"Tyler, wait!" he hears suddenly, almost jumping from hearing his name. He has no idea, who would like to talk to him during a break; nobody ever did, probably all people in this school have actually got their own opinion about Tyler, not necessarily a good one.

He is surprised when he sees Troye chasing him from afar, his messy hair making their way into his eyes all the time. Troye always stops to say _hi_ , but has never stopped to make any conversation.

He leads Tyler to the bathroom, tapping Tyler's back lightly with his black sketchbook, probably the new one again. The last one Tyler saw was orange. Maybe he fills his sketchbooks up as fast as Tyler does with his notebooks. Tyler would love to see what's inside of them. One day he overheard, that Troye is such a huge artist.

Probably each page of his sketchbooks has a different drawing, none of them the same, that he can look back and know exactly what place he was at in his mind when he was drawing the picture; something like a photo album of memories.

"Hey, Tyler," he greets, smiling and panting after they head into the bathroom and see each other in a mirror. "I want to ask you a favor, and I figured you would say yes, since you owe me one."

Tyler has no idea, what kind of favor he owes him, and what for, so he's trying to figure it out. Troye is smiling at him.

„What? How many times have you gotten into this exact bathroom during lunch break without having to enter through the most crowded hallway in the whole school, only because there was a _certain book_ propping the door open?" He smirks at Tyler, knowing he will _have to_ agree to whatever he's planning. "Besides, that book is already damaged in all possible spots, so you kind of owe me double."

The more time passes the more Tyler will owe him, apparently. Tyler motions with his hand to tell Troye to get down to business.

"I want to draw you."

Tyler raises his eyebrows, staring at Troye. It's not what he was expecting, but honestly, he doesn't know what he was expecting. What else Troye would want from him? It's not any surprise at all. But it's not a thing that's bothering Tyler. He doesn't understand, why Troye would like to choose _him._

And what does it mean, that he wants to draw Tyler? Does it mean Tyler has to give him some of pictures of his face? He doesn't have any. Maybe Troye wants him to pose, or take pictures of him, with his friend Melanie's help. He doesn't know, what to think about this.

Troye can probably see the conflicted look on Tyler's face, so he grins widely, leading Tyler further into the bathroom, closing the door from inside with his magical key, and puts his sketchbook on a large windowsill. Tyler has always wanted to see what's hiding inside of it, and maybe today is the day.

Troye opens his sketchbook nonchalantly on some random page, showing a black and white portrait of a man with long hair and a light eye color, impossibly similar to Troye. Tyler looks away from the drawing to look up at Troye. It's like a portrait of him from the future. Maybe it's his father.

Troye looks Tyler in the eye and goes to the next page, where an old woman with a cloth around her head is looking at Tyler with sad, crinkled eyes. It looks so realistic that it's almost scary. It can't be a drawing. He's truly amazed.

Troye notices his reaction in his eyes and turns the page.

The next drawing is a woman, crying, with her eyes crystal clear and covered with thick tears. Her face is dark, dull and lifeless. The only light brings the tear running down her cheek. Tyler feels a tug in his heart and suddenly wants to know her story, and wants to touch her face in this impossibly realistic drawing, but doesn't have time, because Troye goes to the next page, and that drawing was nothing compared to the feeling which Tyler gets when he looks at the next drawing.

Tyler is looking at his own self on a paper, and it's definitely scary at the moment. Troye _has_ already drawn him. His heart stops, because it's him, but not exactly. He's smiling in this drawing, with his eyes looking up, glistening in some sun that throws a shadow on his face, and with his crooked bottom teeth, with some darker hue cascading both of his cheeks. Troye has never seen him like that. Then how did he make it so perfectly?

Tyler doesn't want to look at it, at himself, anymore. It was everything that left Tyler a long time ago, all his happiness and wide smiles. For some reason he feels exposed from his biggest insecurities, that were shown one to one in that drawing.

Maybe it was supposed to be Tyler from the future, as well. But it doesn't look like it. Tyler's future is going to be gloomy faces and sad days, not all smiles and bright colors. Maybe it was supposed to be Tyler from the past, but still, it doesn't look like it. Happiness has left him when he was still practically a child. However, he could see his face from _now_ , there on a paper. He could look at himself in a mirror and see the same image. 

Maybe it was done on purpose. Tyler is aware that Troye can do anything when it comes to his art; he can not only see a person from outside, but also from inside, and show it on their face, the way they look.

But Troye is still smiling, sympathetically. Maybe he also saw everything that was happening inside of Tyler a few moments ago, every emotion at once, and it made him proud of his own work. He has a right to be proud of himself. But there's also a different thing that's important, but not a thing Tyler wants to bring up in a school bathroom during break.

"So?" Troye whispers, carefully, as any of his words may shatter Tyler in pieces.

Tyler nods his head, not exactly knowing, if it means to say that drawings are beautiful, or that he agrees and Troye can draw him, even though one drawing is already perfectly finished inside of his sketchbook.

"Look, I have plans to make some big piece," Troye begins explaining. “I thought about art gallery or something. You can't just draw something more serious from a _picture._ It has to be a real face, in 3D. You know." He looks up questioningly at Tyler, who only nods. "So if you don't want to, it's okay. I'll think about something else."

Tyler is staring at him, expecting him to talk more clearly, and hoping that he will get more information just from looking at Troye’s face. He's just confused, about everything. A few minutes ago he saw a real-life picture of himself, having no idea that some boy spent days or weeks on working on his own face, and now he's being asked if he's okay with his face being captured on large canvas that might be a part of some exhibition some day.

"Gosh, Tyler, just say something."

Tyler sighs and pulls his phone out of his hoodie pocket, quickly opening a notes page and typing _"Do you mean you want me to pose for you?"_ and showing it Troye.

"Yes. Your face. In my house. We can start even later today, if you're free. You can even eat something there if you're hungry, I don't mind."

Tyler thinks about it, hesitating. It's not that he has such an interesting and busy life, that he could deny. It's just about the whole different thing about _himself_ being a part of something beautiful that Troye is going to create.

After another moment of silence, Tyler finally nods, and gives Troye his phone so he can write his address, but Troye shakes his head. "I'll be waiting for you after all your classes end, so you won't get lost whilst getting to my house."

Suddenly some voice from behind the closed door can be heard, along with quick knocking on the surface. "Troye, I know, that you're here, open the door, come on!"

"Mel, one more second!" he calls louder, before turning to Tyler again. "It's Melanie, I have to go. But see you later?"

Tyler nods and walks to the door.

"Niiice. I have no idea what to do to thank you enough. You're a godsend. Thanks!" He waves to Tyler, and runs out of the bathroom, leaving Tyler alone in the empty room, with million questions in his head.

It turns out, that Troye lives exactly in an apartment behind their school parking lot, so they don't have to walk for even two minutes, because they are already here. His mom greets them after opening the door, asking about the new face in her house, but Troye just waves his arm and tells her that it's his friend whose he's going to draw. Tyler is relieved.

"The worst thing will probably be a sketch," Troye says when they are already heading upstairs, to the room where all the art revolution always happens, probably. "Because I suck at sketches, even though they are the simplest thing. You'll have to sit motionless, so get ready."

Tyler doesn't know, what he means by getting ready; it's not that there are any exercises to keep your head still, but he's ready for whatever is going to come. Not moving is actually easy.

When they enter the room Troye was leading Tyler to, Tyler is surprised that it doesn't look like a typical artist's room he was expecting. There are no paintings or drawings hanging on the wall, no random brushes on the floor nor paint stains. Tyler can only see some big picture frames leaning against the wall and a couple of pencils scattered on a desk.

Troye probably reads in Tyler's mind again, because he has an exact answer to his thoughts, when Tyler is examining the room. "You have no idea how messy it gets during the process. You'll see."

Troye throws his backpack somewhere in the corner of the room and tells Tyler to do the same and get himself comfortable, while he's pulling out all pencils that he owns, all kinds of charcoals, oil pastels and chalks. It scares Tyler, again, because there's _too much_ of everything in Troye's drawers, so many art supplies and so many kinds of them, that Tyler has never known they were even useful. Until now.

Troye tells Tyler to sit cross-legged on his bed, as relaxed as he's able to, and to keep his natural face, while he's sitting by his own desk next to the bed.

However, the sun already starts reflecting in windows in opposite houses in this part of the day, and Tyler's left cheek catches all the light. It's difficult for Troye to sketch and the sun blinds Tyler's eyes. So it's uncomfortable for both of them.

They move all around the whole house at least 3 times, each time meeting Troye's mom working at a kitchen table.

"Just a little to the right. No, not lik—Tyler, it was perfect, why'd you move?"

Three hours or so have already passed, and they are in Troye's room upstairs once again. Troye is acting like a photographer who throws orders at his models, and telling them where to move. What's different; Tyler can't improvise. It's all Troye's work.

And Troye is a little bit obsessed, if that's the right word to describe it. But Tyler can't blame him, because he completely understands him. He knows this feeling, the constant and overwhelming need to create something. He felt the same thing with music, and now he feels the same urge even when it comes to baking.

But baking is not the same. It's the thing that makes him calmer, but it will never be the same. He misses his own self really bad. It has left an empty space in his heart, that can't be filled in any way, and he wants it back so badly, that he would break his left hand apart all over again just to give himself something else to feel.

It's devastating when you are surrounded by more and more people who can do things that you can't do anymore; people who create and people whose souls actually left their bodies and live in their artworks, because they've put so much into them.

When Tyler is lost in his thoughts, Troye groans again and puts his pencil aside. "Nevermind. The light here is really bad. Let's go downstairs."

And so they are going. Troye's mom still hasn't even moved from her chair in the kitchen, but she doesn't seem to mind about both of them moving back and forth around the house. She must be really concentrated and calm.

"Downstairs again?" she asks with her nose still stuffed in piles of papers.

"Yes. The light sucks." Troye sighs and points to a chair opposite from him for Tyler to sit, hiding his sketchbook from Tyler's sight. He hasn't shown Tyler anything yet, and Tyler doesn't know, how many sketches he has made already, because it doesn't feel like one, not even two or three. Maybe something around forty.

Troye doesn't even show any signs of finishing his work for today, moving his charcoal quickly on a paper and having his eyebrows pulled together.

After what feels like another hour, Troye's mom finally grabs her things and leaves the kitchen, and that's when Troye lets Tyler up to use a bathroom.

When he leaves the bathroom, Troye is already waiting for him a few steps ahead, guiding to the kitchen. Tyler has already prepared a note on his phone, saying; _"How many more?"_

"I don't know, Tyler. Duh," Troye responds as if Tyler's question is the most ridiculous thing possible. "Being an artist isn't that easy. You have to make the exact same thing if you mess up, you lose motivation, you get angry when it doesn't turn out as ideally as it was in your head... All that stuff, you know."

Tyler nods his head. However, it's already dark outside. It's probably difficult to draw in the artificial light, too.

"Don't worry. But like I said, I don't know. I will know when I get them all, and I won't know how many of them will be, until it's done," he explains to Tyler.

Tyler starts writing on his phone again. _"All of what?"_

"I don't know... attempts?" Troye shrugs. "I can capture most people in only one try. Okay, two, most. But you need more of them."

 _"Why do you need so many of them to capture one face?"_ Tyler shows Troye his phone again.

That's when Troye laughs, literally laughs, probably waiting for this moment for the whole day and getting relieved that he gets to finally say it. "Not one face. All the faces." He stops laughing and talking at the same time, looking at Tyler more seriously this time. "Most of people have more than one face. But you have even more than most of them."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> such a short chapter, but i couldn't stop myself. i'm sorry if it sucks; i wrote it mostly in school because i recently can't find any free time when i come back to my house.
> 
> also i strongly relate to troye, because art and drawing means much to me, and i’m getting nervous when i can’t draw.
> 
> also i'm sorry for the lack of josh in this chapter. i'll make up for it the next time. you'll like it, i promise.
> 
> tell me, what you think, of course. it's very important to me. thank you for all your comments. they all mean everything and are such a huge motivation. ♥️
> 
> have a good night,  
> and most importantly stay alive.


	17. mint flavored closeness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :)

Tyler haven't seen Josh for a few days, maybe too many. He spent almost the entire week in Troye's house, sitting on his bed or on a chair in the kitchen and showing his face in a full view, feeling confused and impatient.

During this week he started to hate it; sitting still and motionless, not even able to rub your eye, because it reminded him of all these months he spent in bed to let his body heal and make his hand work. He doesn't tell it Troye, though, because he doesn't mind posing for him. Just sitting still itself makes him sick.

And during this week Tyler was missing Josh. The last time he saw him was on Monday during music class, but the last time they met was over a week ago, the day he spoke for the first time in four hundred seventy one days. It still feels so unreal. He doesn't know if he should have done that, but he doesn't regret it.

It's something more than even not seeing one of your friends for a few days, because Josh is his _only_ friend now. And even though there is also Brendon and even Troye somewhere by the way, it's _Josh_ who is his escape and a secret hideaway.

And the feeling gets surprisingly even more intense when he's leaning against the back doors of his school, leading to a parking lot, watching how huge and heavy droplets of rain hit the pavement.

What's even worse, Debby texted him a few hours ago that she wouldn't be home until the evening because of some meeting from her work. But it's not the bad thing. The bad thing is that Tyler usually doesn't bring keys to the house with himself, afraid that he would lose them like he did two times in the past. He takes the keys almost only when he goes out for a walk at night. His aunt is always home during a day.

So that he isn't even able to get into his house, and can't walk to the place where Debby is at the moment because of the rain. It would be wonderful if it rained only a little bit less, but it doesn't. Tyler can barely see the car in front of him on the parking lot, and if he took a few steps ahead, then all his clothes, along with shoes and socks and pants, would be drenched.

An hour has already passed on watching people driving away and letting other people walk through the door he was leaning against. He had sent a text to Debby a while ago, but she hasn't even read it yet, probably being too busy to use her phone.

When he starts shivering on his back, he remembers that he has been standing outside all the time, and he can simply come inside and wait for whatever there, but too busy with thinking this thought didn't even came into his mind.

He finally opens the door leading inside and closes very quietly behind himself, as the following break already ended a while ago. That's when he feels a sudden pinch on both of his ribs, making him almost squeal in surprise, uncomfortable feeling, and realisation of somebody invading his personal space, but he manages to control himself before it's too late.

He turns around, prepared to see Brendon who is capable of doing such things to other people, but he wasn't very prepared to see Josh in front of him.

"Hi," he says nonchalantly, looking somewhere at the parking lot through the glass door and waiting for Tyler's reaction.

Tyler frowns, looking up at Josh, waiting for answers about what that was for, but Josh probably isn't going to tell him.

"What are you waiting for?" he asks instead.

Tyler shrugs, not looking away from Josh.

"Is it because of rain? It's pretty heavy," Josh notes, opening the door and examining the area in front of him. Still grey, dull nothingness covering the road and cars.

Tyler nods when Josh looks back at him, and that's when Josh realizes that Tyler came back to his not-speaking space, and their talk a week ago or so was only a one time thing. He would be lying to himself if he didn't feel something drop inside his heart.

But he nods his head as well, trying to look as unaffected as possible. "Is your aunt going to give you a ride?"

He expect Tyler to say yes, but he shakes his head this time, looking away.

Maybe she's in work, Josh thinks, but no matter what, if Tyler can't have a ride any time soon, he obviously won't go outside in such weather.

"Come on." Josh puts his hand on Tyler's back and pushes him lightly outside, not giving him a chance to look at Josh in confusion, because he is sure that is the first thing he would do. 

He runs out of school, leading Tyler through labyrinths of cars on a parking lot, with his arm still around Tyler not to lost him and to cover him from the rain a little bit. Josh's car isn't even situated so far away, but in this case it seems far too distant to them.

When they finally manage to reach it, Josh quickly opens the door for Tyler and runs to sit on the other side.

"Is there any reason your aunt couldn't give you a ride?" he asks wiping at his face with his sleeve.

"She isn't home at the moment and I don't have keys with myself."

Josh immediately turns his head when he hears Tyler, because he didn't even expect him to say anything, at least not right now, when he avoided this a few moments ago. Well, now they are inside, nobody can hear him. Nobody but Josh.

"You can come over if you want." Josh starts a car slowly, looking carefully around to perceive anything through the rain. It's going to be a difficult ride.

"Really?" Tyler asks. He doesn't know, if Josh means coming to his garage or his own house. He has never been there, and the terrible night after the memorable party doesn't really count.

"Sure," Josh shrugs. He doesn't mind it at all. And he is perfectly aware of the fact that he told Brendon's mom that he didn't care, but it took him a few days without Tyler to realize that he hadn't meant it at all.

It's funny, because he used to spend ages in his garage all alone, even without any music, surrounded by silence and sleeping bodies in his neighbourhood, but within almost two months everything has changed and the silence is suddenly uneasy and makes him suffocate.

Tyler hadn't been in his garage for many days, even though Josh had seen him in school once or twice. He told himself that maybe something had changed since Tyler had left the city that weekend, or just needed more space, and tried to get used to the silence once again. Josh would even close his garage to prove to himself that he _could_ do it. But it was pretty questionable.

"Um, Josh?" Tyler makes him come back to earth, too lost in thoughts, that he's surprised he still has his eyes on the road. If he's not wrong, it's the first time he has heard Tyler saying his name. Amazing. "Can you stop there?" Tyler points to the building on the left which they are going to pass soon, a big supermarket.

"Sure," he nods and looks for a place to stop the car. If Tyler wants something from the grocery store, it's perfectly fine, but hopefully he doesn't stay there for too long. "Do you want me to go with you?"

Tyler moves to unlock his seatbelt. "You don't have to." He opens the door without waiting for what Josh might want to say and starts walking with a quick pace to avoid the rain, until he disappears in the building.

Probably aware, that he shouldn't be taking long, or afraid that Josh might drive away without him, Tyler comes back after less than five minutes, hurrying into the car and thanking Josh when he opens the door for him from the inside.

"Sweetheart?" Josh looks at Tyler's lap covered with three boxes of what seems like an ice cream, one on top of the other, without any bag and anything. Tyler turns his head to look at Josh, blushing, and waiting for what he has to say.

"Hmm?" he asks Josh, looking completely unaware, as if he didn't just get into a car carrying three big boxes of ice cream with him.

"What is this?" Josh is already fully smiling, raising his eyebrow to Tyler who is a complete opposite; looking like a startled from his sleep puppy.

"I just like ice cream, Josh," he mumbles under his breath, and Josh feels like his voice sounds differently each time he speaks up, because it's so _new_ and so _amazing._

"Are you sure you bought enough of it?" Josh teases him.

"Look, I just have these days like today when I really want ice cream, and if I can't have it then terrible things happen." Tyler feels weird for having to explain even this, but Josh feels great hearing him say so long sentences.

"Okay, just... a lot of ice cream."

Tyler only shrugs, starting to tap his fingers on a cold box of a mint flavoured ice cream. Josh smiles and hangs his sight on a road, starting the car.

It never stops raining; every road is grey, all cars ahead are nearly invisible. Tyler doesn't know, how Josh is able to drive so well in such conditions. Sometimes he suddenly feels afraid that something might happen to both of them, because Josh is driving way too fast for his liking, and it's slippery everywhere. However, he knows he can trust him, and he does, for some reason.

If Tyler were Josh, he would probably panic in a driver's seat from the lack of visibility and pull up somewhere by the nearest pavement. He wants to ask Josh how he is so good as driving and so calm at the same time, but Josh seems to concentrated to disturb him at the moment.

Josh drives the car right into the garage, so they don't end up soaked in rain anymore. It's cold, though, and Tyler's thighs are freezing from keeping the ice cream on his lap all this time, so they hurry into the house through the back door. 

Josh disappears somewhere inside the house after putting his jacket off, leaving Tyler alone and able to look around again. It's quite a big house; bigger than Debby's, with two levels and probably an attic above. The house is empty again, so maybe Josh actually _does_ live alone. But it's such a big thing to deal with your own self. Maybe he'll tell Tyler about it sometime.

"You want to open one of them?" Josh comes downstairs, walking to Tyler's side and pointing at three ice cream filled boxes on a table by the couch.

Tyler nods and they both sit on a couch, facing the tv, which is now being turned on.

"Okay, I can put the rest in a fridge, so it d—" Josh doesn't get to finish, because Tyler doesn't open one box of ice cream, he opens all three of them at once, shrugging when Josh raises his eyebrows at him, smiling. "You alright?"

"Yes...?" Tyler answers slowly.

"Okay then..." Josh stands up from the couch to get a couple of spoons he finds.

"I told you I liked ice cream," Tyler explains himself, when Josh disappears in the kitchen, getting only a muffled laugh from afar.

Josh tells Tyler, that they are going to watch some film? series? he watches regularly, the title Tyler doesn't perceive at all, but he nods anyways, and moves awkwardly on a couch.

Tyler seems to be a tidy person, or he's just being polite; he's sitting with both his legs bent aside on a couch, not put on a table like Brendon always does and moves the whole table with his legs, damaging the floor by the way.

And Tyler's technique of eating ice cream is quite different than average people's. He digs his spoon into the ice cream a few times to find out if it's frozen enough to eat it. He probably doesn't like melted ice cream, and Josh wants to laugh every time Tyler tries his best to find a particular spot in the box to grab a spoonful of some cream, and how he feels like there's nobody else here and licks the spoon all the way until it's clean again in oh, so adorable way.

He tries to find a comfortable area on a couch and constantly moves slightly; changes his position or repositions one of his legs, or both of them, or puts his head on a backrest, and then removes again. Josh fights with himself not to smile every single time, and sometimes fails, lucky that Tyler doesn't notice it.

So, in the end, Josh has to eat the melted part from around the edge of container instead. Not that he minds.

When they eat out about a half of each box, Tyler looks away from the tv. "What is it about?" he asks about the show. It's probably too late to ask this question, because they have already watched a couple of episodes and it seems like Tyler has just started watching, but Josh doesn't notice that and starts telling Tyler his own review about these series.

He's quite fascinated about it, visibly knowing what's up with the show, talking to Tyler without looking away from the tv, and being aware of what's going on on the tv at the moment. He tells Tyler just to watch, and he will catch some plot in the way, but if he doesn't eventually understand, he'll explain to him later. But in fact, Tyler isn't very interested in the show. Most of the time he's been looking at Josh and trying to remember most features of his face for later.

"Hmm?" Josh hums, when he catches Tyler on staring, but he doesn't look away from the television.

"What?"

"What was that?" Josh turns to him this time.

Tyler doesn't know what to say, because, well. He was staring, and that was that. Josh has probably got used to him staring, since the first day in school, but Tyler didn't get used to the fact that it's rude to stare and some people might not like that. "Sorry."

"What are you sorry about?"

"Staring," Tyler replies with one word, and then Josh nods his head, looking at Tyler for a longer time this time. Roles reversed. Tyler suddenly feels his face getting warm and looks away, maybe too quickly not to be suspicious.

"So, this show... You like it," Tyler speaks up after a few moments of silence, not quite knowing what comes out from his mouth. It's obvious, that Josh _likes_ the show. Otherwise he wouldn't show such an interest towards it. But Tyler just wants to know, why, because come on. _Josh_ , of all people, doesn't seem like a fan of very long tv shows, soap operas almost.

"Yeah. My mom used to watch it, like, religiously," Josh tells him, smiling. "She watched every single episode, without missing one, and dad and I would make fun of her because of it."

Tyler nods. Obviously there was a reason behind it. He doesn't need any further explanation, but Josh takes a breath and speaks up again, more seriously this time, still leaving Tyler confused if it's actually real; things he's talking about. Josh isn't a liar, he knows it, but it just proves that Tyler has been so oblivious all this time.

"When she had died—it's so stupid—I thought she would come back somehow, so I started watching it every day, trying to understand the show, to be able to tell her everything that had happened in previous episodes, those she didn't get to watch. But she never came back, and this show just became my daily routine, so I have been watching it, almost as religiously as her. To this day."

Something in Tyler's heart breaks, once again, and he realizes that he's not the only one with a tragic experience on his account, that he doesn't have to egoistically complain about his life, because many other people have it worse. Losing a parent seems to be even worse than what had happened to him, even though in fact _his_ parents almost lost their child. He doesn't have words. He hates to be in situations like this one, because he has no idea what to do, not to make it worse.

"How old were you?" he just asks Josh quietly, because he's curious about that. Maybe she died not so long ago. But maybe she died when he was a very young teenager.

"Eight."

Tyler feels his eyes widen, even though he doesn't want them to. He can't imagine losing a parent in that stage of his life; Being 8 you practically start learning _who_ a parent is, and even though not every parent is perfect, you just need a person who would raise you and show you home. Losing a parent in every aspect seems terrible, no matter if they just leave you, or if they die.

But Josh tries to play it cool, even seeing Tyler's face, and laughs to himself, continuing.

"I think it was old enough to understand. But I don't think I wanted to understand... I don't know... You know, dad tried to explain it all to me so it could make sense, but it didn't make any sense, because you aren't able to explain, how it is possible, that a person who lived with you every day, dressed you to school, carried you to bed and just were there all the time, just disappeared in one second." He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath again. It doesn't seem real anymore; it feels so distant to him and so long ago, but it actually happened. "I came home one day, and a person who had waved me goodbye that morning and had been smiling when I had left the house, just had stopped existing. So yeah... It was hard to me. I didn't want to understand it, and wasn't able to believe it was real. So I started watching, hoping she would watch with me."

At this point Tyler's feeling terrified. It's right that people die, all the time, but hearing Josh saying that feels like it's happening to him. He feels so close and connected to him, because he actually gave Tyler his secret, finally.

Josh opens his eyes and sees Tyler shaking, with his eyes shiny, not knowing if it's from lights from tv or maybe tears that didn't fall. The sight itself shatters his heart; He shouldn't have said that if it affected so much on him. He gives him his hand and shuffle moves closer. "Oh, sweetheart, come on."

He practically pulls Tyler with him, close, making him curl his body into Josh's chest and giving Josh a chance to wrap his arms around him.

"I didn't know, I'm sorry," he mumbles to Josh's shirt, holding on for dear life.

"Shh, it's alright," Josh murmurs to his hair, the whole action seeming so domestic and natural that it surprises him, making him question when actually they have managed to get this close and how it happened, but he puts the thought aside, hugging the boy tighter.

"It's not, I shouldn't have even asked—"

"But you did and it happened. And I don't mind it at all. I got familiar with this fact and it's not scary to me anymore, okay?" Josh keeps caressing Tyler's hair resting on his neck to calm him down in some way, noticing a few moments later that it works.

They sit like that for a few minutes. Tyler found his spoon somewhere on the side and put it in his mouth, keeping it there, so the cold handy part falls on his chin, and still leaning against Josh's body, who is holding his weight with both arms.

When their limbs start to go numb, Josh gets to move, despite Tyler's inner protest. "I'll just put them in a freezer, so they don't melt until you come here again some day." He grabs the three boxes of ice cream and closes their lids, leaving Tyler with an empty, warm spot on a couch.

At this moment, Tyler begins to realize, that it's not just an act of putting an ice cream into a freezer. It meant, that Josh wants Tyler to come here again soon, and this place, this house and that garage, are the safe places he can stay in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i promised fluff, but if i didn’t, it’s here anyway. much more to come.
> 
> i want to thank you guys _really much_ , from the bottom of my heart, for reading, giving kudos and commenting. it’s such a huge motivational punch in my chest, and it’s really good. thank you very much for every comment that made me so happy and at a loss of words. i hope you don’t stop leaving your opinion here.
> 
> so yeah, obviously tell me what you think about this chapter. ♥️
> 
> i love you very much.  
> stay safe & alive & well.


	18. caring and sharing

When a couple of days later Tyler appears in front of the garage 15 minutes until 9 p.m. and it's already dark, Josh greets him with a knowing smirk and moves from his place straight into his car standing in the driveway, and circles it around to open it from the passenger's side.

"About time. I was waiting for you," he speaks up at the sight of Tyler's fully confused expression, which can be noticed easily illuminated by fluorescent lights coming from inside. He points at the opened passenger door. "Hop in."

"But I came earlier than usually," Tyler mumbles under his breath, making sure however that Josh can hear him before he closes the door after him. If Josh wants to go somewhere, he doesn't have to wait for Tyler. What if he came here at midnight?

"Yeah, but I thought you wouldn't come at all, sweetheart," he answers with a shrug and starts the car.

Every time Tyler thinks Josh wouldn't call him like this any time again, that he forgot, or found it as a mistake, or would be regretting it, he says it in Tyler's direction again, and it makes Tyler drown in his own puddle made from his melted heart, because Josh says it with even more soft tone in his voice every time.

And Tyler has no idea, where that came from, but he wouldn't mind if Josh kept calling him sweetheart if he likes it so much as well, even though it seems like he's replacing Tyler's actual name with that name at this point.

But he doesn't tell Josh that. "Where are we going?" he asks him instead.

Josh keeps his eyes on the road. "I'm kidnapping you to the store."

"Do you think you are allowed to kidnap me?" Tyler asks.

Josh laughs at that. "Well, I think you got into the car willingly, so it's maybe some other kind of kidnapping."

"How do you know you are older than me so you can call me a kid?" Tyler is surprisingly talkative tonight. Maybe it's still because of that huge amount of ice cream that day. But Josh doesn't mind. At all. He's thankful for it.

"I am sure about this." Josh smiles at Tyler whilst saying this.

"Yes, fine, old man," Tyler gives up, earning a muffled laugh from Josh. It's a very nice and safe sound to hear, especially when Tyler got used to see Josh all pissed off at everything and making people intimidated by him. Now he doesn't hide with laughing at what Tyler sometimes says, and this is maybe this thing, that actually makes Tyler's day better.

"Well, look at you. Agreeing to some old man taking you on a trip at night, and you don't even know exactly where." Josh grins at the road, and if Tyler were sitting in a backseat, he would see him all smiling in a rearview mirror.

"Apparently the force field doesn't work on me."

"What?" Josh raises his eyebrows, still apparently amused, and Tyler sighs dramatically, because he is sure that Josh knows what he is talking about, and explaining things is really hard for him. But Josh does it on purpose; almost forcing him to speak. Tyler is too weak not to give him this satisfaction.

"At school everybody avoids you and doesn't come near you." He looks up at Josh. Josh nods to keep going. "And when I saw you on the first day on a courtyard, you were sitting all alone on a bench, even though every other bench was occupied. I thought you were surrounded by some force field, and I kind of wanted to get one for myself, too, because you can be unavailable even though everybody sees you."

Josh laughs again, nodding in understanding. "You're right. Maybe you have some special powers if it doesn't work for you." And hasn't worked since the first minute, which _is_ pretty special; Josh wants to add, but doesn't, and is just waiting for Tyler to respond instead.

But Tyler only shrugs, because he doesn't have any special powers, not at all, and he feels misled by this, because over the past couple of years he has spent a big amount of time on reading books and watching films he didn't even know about existence of earlier, and in all of them, when somebody had died and then had been brought back to life, they got some unusual superpower. Even though they come back to life almost completely broken and damaged, they are having some special ability in themselves in consolation. Tyler has none of them.

But outside the topic, _maybe_ , maybe meeting Josh in his life was a part of some plan somewhere above, because it doesn't seem like an accident at all. It took so long for them to break the barrier with each other, but when they finally did, everything has been happening very fast.

They end up in a huge store where Tyler usually buys ice cream and other stuff from, or, more specifically, asks Debby to buy it for him, and it's probably the only store Tyler has been in in this city so far—which is pretty ridiculous—so he should be moving around the aisles more comfortably, but he's still following Josh like a lost dog.

Josh, on the other hand, doesn't even think before he's grabbing random products and putting them inside a shopping cart being driven by Tyler, who asked for it in the first place. However, he can't move so quickly with the cart and keep up with Josh, who is practically running through the aisles and coming back to Tyler, and then disappearing again. He tells Tyler he can sit inside a cart instead so he can drive, but Tyler thinks it would bring too much attention. Unfortunately.

Several minutes later and the cart is half-full almost with various kinds of cleaning supplies, making them both look like they are going to clean a big mansion with them, but Tyler doesn't question it, even though he wants to. For his age Josh seems to be very mature. Taking care of the whole big house alone requires a huge responsibility and time. And Josh doesn't even look like it's a new thing to him.

"I feel like I forgot something," Josh says when he finally stops in his tracks. He looks around, as if it could bring his memory back. "Okay, nevermind. If so, we'll buy it next time," he tells Tyler after a minute of thinking. The _“we”_ part sticks to his head the most.

"Can you afford all of this?” Tyler points at the shopping cart ahead of him. There's almost the whole store packed inside of it, and he doesn't even want to hear how much it will cost.

"I can afford almost everything I want, sweetheart." There's a hint of mockery in his voice, as if he is stating an obvious fact.

But the thing is, Tyler didn't know that. They didn't get to that point in their first conversation, where Josh could have told Tyler where he has got all the money from. He lives by himself, he most probably doesn't have a job. Maybe it's some inheritance from his mother whose story he mentioned the other day. He doesn't dare to ask, but hopes that whatever Josh is doing is legal.

"Are you buying an ice cream?" It seems like Josh has been looking at him all the time while he has been thinking, and he suddenly interrupts whatever is happening in his head.

"I didn't take any money, so..."

"Okay." And with that Josh turns into another aisle, leading Tyler through the whole length of the building, stopping by... ice cream fridges.

"Josh, no. I really don't have _any_ money," Tyler tries to stop him.

"The last time I checked your ice cream packs in my fridge were almost empty," Josh states, putting three boxes of ice cream, probably the ones Tyler bought another day, into the cart.

"You can't just buy things for me. I can buy them myself." Josh laughs at how Tyler tries to be serious and annoyed.

"Why not? I was eating it too."

Tyler rolls his eyes. "You're impossible."

"So I've been told."

What Tyler has learned through all this time is that you cannot tell Josh _no._ He always has everything his own way because of how stubborn he is.

They move to a cashier counter, and Tyler starts pulling everything out of the cart, Josh helping him by the way with putting it on a tape. And now it hits him how usual and domestic it’s looking like. There's no room for awkwardness or hesitation anymore, nor for pretended mad looks. Josh could have gone to the store without Tyler, because he apparently didn't need any help; Tyler was just driving the cart. But he waited for him, even though he didn't have to.

But Josh was aware about his decision when he was waiting for Tyler; He knew that if Tyler had gotten into his garage or house and it would be closed, he would have felt deceived and completely abandoned, and maybe never come back there again.

They get back to Josh's house, an hour after they left it, and Tyler helps Josh put everything away from the car and then from bags. Tyler has to ask probably too many times where he should put this and that, and Josh just tells him, "Whenever you think is right." It doesn't help much.

Josh finishes unpacking, Tyler doesn't yet. Josh is looking at Tyler moving in the kitchen, and he's aware of that, but he lets Josh watch him. Tyler owes him so much, that Josh is allowed to watch him at this point, and it doesn't even make him uncomfortable anymore. Maybe even something different, especially when he stands too close and all Tyler can see is him. For example now.

"Are you hungry?" he asks, looking Tyler straight in the eyes, as if he was asking him a question on which his life depended.

"No, I had eaten before I came here," Tyler answers, trying to sound normal.

"What did you eat today?"

Tyler has to think about it, because he can't remember. "I don't know, some cookies that w—"

"Are you serious?" Josh sighs, leaning on a counter and crossing his arms.

Tyler shrugs. Is it a bad thing? "Yeah, I guess."

Josh turns to look for something on a shelf above. "Honey, you have to _feed_ yourself," he says with a complaining tone in his voice. Before Tyler gets to answer, he adds, "Do you ever eat something besides sugar?"

"Well, those were the cookies I baked from a newly found recipe, so I had to try them."

"That wasn't an answer to my question." Josh watches him with a raised brow.

"I can bring you some so you will realize how good they are," Tyler continues anyway.

"Tyler, look at me," Josh demands, and Tyler is having no choice. He turns around. "I will eat your cookies if you let me make you a real food first."

Tyler chuckles, covering his mouth. "You sound like a mom."

"Well, are you in?" Josh asks.

"You can cook?" This is another thing about Josh he didn't know about and which is quite surprising.

"Will you ever answer directly to my question? Not answering by asking another question?" Josh tries to act annoyed, but can't control the smile forming on his lips while he's looking at Tyler's expression.

"Sorry, I'll try," Tyler answers honestly. In fact, it's pretty difficult to find words in his vocabulary after not speaking for so long. It's some sort of miracle that he is able to talk to Josh with such an ease.

"Yes, I can cook. I think." Josh opens several drawers to find scissors and a knife. "Sit on a counter," he nods at Tyler and points to an empty surface beside him. Usually kitchen counters are full of food and dishes, but apparently not in Josh's house. Tyler finds it a little bit awkward, because sitting on somebody's kitchen counter isn't a usual thing to do, but he hops on it anyway and observes what Josh is doing.

He's swinging his legs and watching Josh's every move. He can say it's satisfying to watch. It seems like Josh's hands are perfect at everything, and it seems like he can do anything. Tyler uses his today's unusual talkativeness to ask Josh about it.

"How did you learn how to cook?"

Josh stops in his tracks as if he's interrupted from some sort of hypnotisation. He looks up at Tyler and raises his hand to open a cabinet full of cookbooks. They used to be his mother's, she would buy every book that was available in a book store.

"By reading cookbooks?" Tyler asks, looking at Josh in the eyes. His face is too close.

"I think most people learn how to cook that way."

"I can't cook at all," Tyler murmurs to himself.

"You can bake," Josh states. And it's probably the truest thing he has ever said. Whenever he ate something made by Tyler, no matter if those were the cookies he had given him in a form of apology after the party, or the cake from Sunday dinner, it reminded him of his mother's desserts, that couldn't have been beaten by anyone. Tyler is _that_ good at baking.

"But at the beginning I would mess up everything I had been baking," Tyler tells him.

"Aren't we all?" Josh asks. "How old were you when you started baking?"

"Um, fifteen? Sixteen?" He answers, not sure. It was during the hardest time of his life, and everything was so chaotic back then, so he doesn't clearly know. He doesn't also know, if he should tell Josh; if it isn't too much to say about himself. He doesn't know, what Josh knows. Tyler feels like Josh knows everything about him, and that's the problem. "It was when my hand couldn't work at all and I was on a physical therapy. They told me that I should try to bake to, like... train my hand. More specifically, knead bread dough. I found it ridiculous, because which kid bakes bread? But then I thought, why not." He chuckles, after saying so many words. He still talks too slowly, though.

Josh doesn't mention the physical therapy, he doesn't ask about it. It's obvious that he knows something about Tyler's unlucky left hand. It's difficult not to notice something is wrong with it. "And did you bake that bread?"

"It wasn't that easy, because the dough didn't rise at all, and I found it impossible how people were even _making_ bread. But I tried again and again, and my mom had to buy me a huge amount of yeast and flour. I had had to waste a lot of her money before I finally succeeded."

Josh smiles. Not only at the story, but at the fact that Tyler decided to tell him something from his memory, something that inspired him in some way to create amazing things such as his cakes, and that he's comfortable with talking to Josh even when he doesn't talk to anybody else at all.

"Do you still bake bread?"

"No, no," Tyler shakes his head quickly. "I think I gave up. It was too difficult. And I still prefer baking sweet things anyway."

"Well, you're really great at it," Josh tells him honestly.

"Thank you." Tyler's lips curl a little into a smile. "But I still can't cook."

"It's not that hard. You can take one of my books and learn," Josh offers.

"It's too hard for me. It's not hard for you because you are good at everything. I am not."

Josh raises his eyebrows. Does Tyler really think like that?

"If you don't know, I only started to cook because I couldn't stand eating cereal every day anymore. And when I had finally started cooking, I still had to eat cereal for another few months because I would screw everything up."

Tyler thinks about it. It's almost the same thing like with his baking. "Brendon's mom could have cooked for you." He shrugs. Maybe it's ridiculous, but Brendon's mom really acts like a mother towards Josh.

"Yeah, true, only if I could stand Brendon's presence every day."

"But he's your best friend..."

"Yes, and a pain in the ass." Josh adds.

That's true. Brendon can be really painful sometimes, or most of the time, but it's a part of his personality which can't be changed. He probably doesn't have any bad intentions by his behavior. But Josh is the one to always point it out and be pissed off at him, and the other way around.

"I still don't know how you two became best friends."

"We were the best mates in a soccer team and, like, stayed together every time," Josh tells him. "And when everybody close to me started dying, everybody around me started ignoring me and being scared of me. Brendon didn't, for some reason." He says it so casually, it apparently isn't a taboo for him. But still not a comfortable thing to mention. "He kept coming back to me even though I tried my best to get rid of him, because I wanted to be alone back then and didn't want to use my anger on him. But I eventually realized that he wasn't going anywhere."

Tyler stays silent. He doesn't like to hear about deaths, even though it's a familiar topic to him. But it's still unfamiliar to hear those stories from Josh, the one who seems to be literally perfect at everything, handling his life as best as it is possible, and being successful at what he loves the most. He forgets what Josh was like when he first met him; alone, introverted, pissed off at everybody, and receiving glances full of hate or fear from everyone.

"Sounds like the Brendon I know," he only says, hoping that it will lighten up the mood a little, not make it worse.

Josh looks up at him, still standing by the counter Tyler is sitting on. Tyler is ready for some eye roll or a huff in a response to his comment, but Josh is just looking at him, straight in the eyes, just like earlier, though they are even closer to each other this time and aren't distracted by anything.

Tyler stops swinging his legs, but doesn't stop looking at Josh; he's waiting for him to look away first, but it seems like he isn't going to, either. Probably for the first time he has a chance to see Tyler's face very clearly, every detail, not from afar and not under very bright lights in his garage.

His face is looking less paler in a weak kitchen lighting, making his eyes fuller and darker, his features sharper. But maybe it's how they actually look like, but Josh didn't have time and occasion to perceive them carefully like right now. Now that he's looking at them being so close, he decides that he could keep looking at them for the rest of his life.

"And sounds like you, sweetheart." He smiles finally, searching for something in Tyler's eyes, that could confirm, that the boy understands, that he was also the one who didn't stubbornly go anywhere despite everything. But now Josh is thankful for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oooohhh.
> 
> wow i am not dead, i still think about updating, i just don’t have a lot of time, because studying, studying, working on a new story **:)** and all that, you know. i want to stick to updating every few days again though, but sometimes it’s just impossible.
> 
> thank you for reading, please, tell me what you think about it. it’s very important for me. sometimes i feel like literally nobody is reading me, but then i see one or two comments, and they give me such a huge motivation, so thank you for that. :)
> 
> it's 2 a.m. and i'm half studying, half writing the chapter, and even though i always proof-read, there still can be mistakes, so if you can see any, tell me. :)
> 
> goodnight for now my lovely people. ♥️


	19. guest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wink

The next time Tyler finds himself inside Josh's actual house is some day a week later. During the current week they aren't actually talking to each other, not that Tyler talks at all, but they confine themselves only to singular glances in school hallways or in class. None of them thinks that they need people to know about them, whatever they both are. Brendon, being a friend with both of them, still doesn't suspect anything, even though he hassles with them all the time.

And maybe that's not exactly about the pact of silence they made, but particular events that happened and unknown thoughts that started crowding their minds the last night they were together. They ate in silence that night, but still sharing mysterious glances.

Tyler doesn't think they started moving away from each other this week. He even thinks the relation between them has got better and they’ve got more comfortable around each other. But this doesn't change a fact, that after that night Tyler suddenly got more bashful of looking at Josh in the eyes.

However, his face lights up, when Josh startles him on a parking lot and tells him to hop inside his car, especially after all the distance during the whole week.

They already ate a dinner cooked by Josh, who gets to impress Tyler even more. He's not some spectacular cooker you can find on tv shows, but he really can cook. Tyler wouldn't be able to do so. Cooking seems like a skill out of this world to him and apparently to his aunt, too, that's why they usually order food home. But Josh tells Tyler he has to eat _real_ food. Tyler feels like a newly born child learning new rules.

He isn't talking much, as always, especially whilst eating, unless Josh tells him something, so he has a time to think again, how quickly everything changed.

It was like a blink of an eye; When he was scared to visit that garage for the second time, because he was convinced he wasn't welcome there; And it wasn't so long ago when Tyler practically lost his mind when he made a sound for the first time, in front of him. And now they are alone in his house, eating together and enjoying each other's presence. It's overwhelming to pick up the pace with following events, but hopefully they lead to something better.

"Your aunt visited me the other day," Josh says, noticing that Tyler zoned out somewhere in space and stopped eating.

"Oh, yes. I know," Tyler answers, startled. He looks away.

"She told you?" Josh asks, surprised.

"Yes, why not?" Tyler shrugs.

"I don't know," Josh mumbles. "She was kind of pissed off." He smirks at Tyler.

"Yeah, I know," Tyler says, still looking at a table. "She had a right to be."

"Well, I don't know."

"What did she tell you?" Tyler finally looks up, playing with a fork, placing the long part along his nose.

"I don't remember well," Josh laughs. "But she just told me that you had been sneaking out at night, and she wanted answers. I told her, that we had been hanging out and you had just been watching me work in the garage."

Tyler nods. That's accurate.

"Did you know you have a tracker in your phone?" Josh asks after a second of silence.

"Of course I did," Tyler smiles, probably for the first time this day. "Did you think I didn't know?"

"Well, I'm just wondering what she would think seeing that you were sneaking out every night to go to some foreign neighbourhood, thinking that she didn't know about it.”

"I know that she knew, I just didn't have to tell her things as long as I was making sensible decisions."

Josh laughs. "And you think sneaking into my garage was sensible?" 

"I don't know actually. She still told me, that I have to let her know where I am going, and I understand."

After Debby had talked to Josh, she started lecturing Tyler, that he has to tell her wherever he's going, especially when it's during the night. She is aware, that Tyler wouldn't do anything stupid on his own and put himself in a dangerous situation, but walking alone at night is dangerous itself, and if anything bad happened to Tyler, she would have to deal with his mother, the one you can't win an argument with.

"And she doesn't mind your nightly trips at all?" Josh asks.

"If I text her where I am, she doesn't care. And I wouldn't give up on sneaking into your garage, anyway." Tyler hesitates during the last part, not sure if it isn't too much, but it's what he actually means. He's got really comfortable here and it's his best runaway from the daily routine. If Josh didn't want him here, he would kick him out immediately, right?

But Josh smiles even more and is visibly proud at what Tyler said, so it's probably a good thing. He doesn't let Tyler know and stands up from behind the table, but Tyler was quick enough to see the expression on his face.

"Rebellion," Josh jokes, when he's already in the kitchen.

Tyler finishes eating, but stays in his place for a few minutes, seeing Josh all busy cleaning the kitchen. He feels guilty that Josh is doing all the work, when he should help him as well.

He stands up and walks slowly into the kitchen, wanting to remain invisible, but Josh turns away and raises his eyebrows with a smile, so that's when he asks, "I could help you."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know, you can give me something to do. You can't do everything by yourself."

"But I'm fine, really," Josh laughs and goes back to stuffing food inside the cupboards.

"But I really can help," Tyler continues.

"No, you are my guest and you aren't doing anything. That's how it works."

Tyler sighs, giving up. Josh can convince him a thousand times that it's okay, but that doesn't stop Tyler from feeling bad. He wants to be useful somewhere, when there's an occasion.

"Exactly, I am a guest," he starts again, slowly. "That's why I should help."

"Tyler," Josh groans from the other side of the kitchen. He turns around to face Tyler, and seeing him leaning against the wall, looking at him, and literally _waiting_ to do anything, makes his heart ache. "Okay, okay. Can you wash the dishes?"

"Of course."

Tyler moves quickly to the sink, glad that he got to do something, even though there aren't many dishes inside, but it's better than nothing.

"Great. If you need something, just yell. I'm going to the bathroom to do the laundry," Josh informs him.

Tyler nods, even though Josh can't probably see him anymore.

"You know you still don't have to..." Well, he probably _could_ have seen him, because now it feels like Josh said it right next to his ear.

"Josh, I'm fine," Tyler says, turning the tap on. Josh eventually gives up, probably not convinced enough, but walks away.

There are only three plates and two cups in the sink, and Tyler will probably finish washing them before Josh finishes his own work. He washes one cup really carefully and dries it, but obviously, he couldn't do anything perfectly without messing it up afterwards. When he reaches to put a clean, dried cup on a shelf, his hand does an unexpected twitch and the cup slips out from his grasp completely, shattering into small pieces in the sink and on a counter.

The worst thing is that Tyler didn't even notice, that he was using his left hand, otherwise he wouldn't even let himself grab anything with it, especially when it's not his property. And it's possible to shatter into pieces.

He doesn't know, what to do. Of course, he has to tell Josh, but the embarrassment immediately floods his mind, when he thinks how eager he was to wash those dishes, and then he got to wash only one of them, breaking it right after.

Well, if Josh didn't want to kick him out of his house before, he will in a moment.

He calls Josh a few times, because Josh can't apparently hear him, and Tyler isn't comfortable with raising his voice yet, but finally Josh appears in the kitchen with a questioning look.

Tyler already got to remove almost all of the shattered pieces from the counter, but he isn't quick enough to throw them into a trash can. "Look, Josh, I'm sorry, I—"

"Wait, what's wrong?" Josh walks closer, closing the space and approaching the sink, where the black glass pieces still can be found.

"I didn't mean to, really..." Tyler covers his face with his arm.

"You broke a cup?" Josh asks casually, as if it isn't the most obvious thing.

"Yes, I'm sorry. I'm a terrible person, sorry," Tyler mumbles.

"You didn't listen when I told you you didn't have to wash the dishes." Josh stands beside him and grabs the remaining pieces, laughing under his breath.

Now he will joke at Tyler, at what fantastic skills with washing the dishes he showed, and Tyler doesn't know, if he prefers this, or Josh being simply angry at him.

"Just, my hand..." he tries to explain again.

"Tyler," Josh shakes his head. "I understand. Relax." He smiles, and maybe this is the thing that convinces Tyler more, because he immediately feels warmer and calmer. But still not enough.

“Look, I can buy you a similar one—“

“No, please, I have dozens of them.” Josh turns the faucet on again to finish Tyler's work, and before he dips his hand in water, he looks at Tyler and taps a few times on a counter surface next to him. Tyler stares at him, confused, looking at Josh's hand and then at Josh again, pointing to himself and raising his eyebrows. He makes sure if Josh really tells him to sit here. Josh laughs, looking away. "Yes, you."

"Here?" Tyler asks incoherently, but Josh still can hear him though, and gives a nod in response. As if sitting on a chair wouldn't be enough.

It takes Tyler a few seconds of hesitation to finally move, uncertainly hopping onto the counter and situating his butt on a clean surface. Now Josh is having a full, face-to-face sight of him; Tyler doesn't know, what it is for, but it's okay. He's got a chance to look around the room.

"Does she know you are here at the moment?" Josh asks after a moment of silence filled with a sound of a stream of water.

"My aunt?" Tyler makes sure. Josh nods. "I texted her. She knows."

Josh sighs jokingly in relief. "I don't want to see her in flames again."

Tyler giggles at this. Literally, lets out a bubbly childish giggle, probably surprising himself as well. "In flames?"

"I mean, she was polite, but I could feel what was going on inside. You gave me a note that day to drop the cake off, yeah?" He turns to Tyler. Tyler nods. "She seemed angry that that note was longer than the notes you had ever given her. Or something."

Tyler hates the fact, that it's true. Not the fact, that he asked Josh to simply take that cake on his way to dinner, but the fact that he rarely even texts Debby or writes these sticky notes for her. But he is sure, that she understands. She knows him enough to know. And Tyler is aware of the fact, that he should be showing his gratefulness of having a roof under his head and that it's her roof, by simply talking to her and asking how her day was, like a normal kid, but he can’t. At least he always listens whatever she has to say, and none of them minds, at least that's what he thinks. He doesn't want to change it, at least for now. The same thing is with his parents. Speaking up to Josh was already a huge enough move.

"I respect her," he tries to convince Josh.

Josh smiles. "I believe you do."

And this is fine. "What else did she say?" he asks.

"I don't remember well, something about—Ooh, yeah, I remembered," Josh laughs under his breath. "Something about using you for my _selfish reasons_." He emphasizes the last words. And Tyler is wondering what she could've meant by that, and when something comes into his mind, he decides that he isn't sure, if he wants to know. He hopes, that his face isn't expressing too much. "What did she tell _you_?"

"Oh," Tyler thinks about it a little. "She told me, that she understood what I had done, and she would try her best to stay understanding, because she's not so much older, but I just have to tell her where I am and who I am with, and she will leave me alone. All of that because she's responsible for me." He's still saying it very slowly, pausing here and there.

He really has to exercise talking if he wants to talk to Josh, otherwise he will embarrass himself as a stuttering mess in front of Josh.

"She told me something like, _Listen, Tyler. I'm not as naive as I look like. I have a long list of things I've done in my life that I would never tell my mother about. And that list would be much longer if my mother were your mother_." There is a hint of mockery in his voice and a glint of something in his eye when he's saying it, even though it was hard enough to say the whole thing at once. And he doesn't realize when Josh turns his gaze back to him and looks at him straight in the eyes, looking quite amused, as his whole face is smiling; his lips, cheeks, eyes...

It seems like the previous night together all over again, in the same spot in the kitchen, but what's different is that their faces aren't illuminated by a weak light coming from the other room. Daylight gives them an opportunity to perceive things they haven't seen in one another yet; not only on their faces, but inside. 

It's probably the first time, when Josh's eyes are looking so joyful and kind, and it feels so weird. Tyler is not sure if it's weird, because its a unusual sight, or because he likes it so much. He wants to convince himself, that whenever these thoughts come into his head, he doesn't want to know about them. But it's very difficult to look away; It's nearly impossible, because he can't actually see any things behind or on both sides of Josh's face and his eyes. And it's dangerous.

He blinks before it gets to late, still not knowing what he should do, and blurts without thinking, "You should... save the water."

In fact, the water is still running down from the faucet, and Josh hasn't been doing anything about it, apparently oddly interested in something else.

"Sorry," Josh mumbles, still not sure of what is happening. "I can't help that you are distractingly cute," he adds.

And, _okay_ , this is a brand new information, and he really doesn't know what to do with it, because it's the first time somebody ever said a thing like this to his face. Also, he shouldn't feel so intrigued, that it came from Josh's mouth, but for some reason he does, and he wants to pretend, that he doesn't want to know anything about it, again. And he probably shouldn't even care about it so much, since it was most likely a joke, but it seems too late, because he's having a feeling like all blood from his body reaches his face and cheeks and will stay there for good.

It takes a few seconds for Josh to realize, that he, in fact, said that out loud, and if somebody else would be standing beside him right now, he would let them punch him in the face for not being able to keep his mouth shut. At least he didn't say too much. But it only takes a few seconds, before his heart jumps, when he hears a voice, that isn't coming from in front of his face.

"Hey, what's up—"

None of them even heard the door opening, nobody even expected somebody in the house, but there actually _is_ one person, who never asks for anybody's permission to do something, unless it's their mother.

Brendon is standing in a kitchen door frame, not even able to finish his greeting, before he lets his mouth open wide. He's looking shocked, either from the sight of _Tyler_ in _Josh's_ house, his kitchen, and more specifically Tyler sitting on his counter, or the sight of Tyler not looking like Tyler at all. His face, far from being gloomy as usually, with the paleness being replaced by a reddening blush, is still inches apart from Josh's.

Everything happens within a second, and before they both turn to look at Brendon, it's too late. Tyler doesn't want to know what Brendon got to hear or see, and he's having a feeling like the color on his face could glow in the dark at this point. He wants the ground to open up and swallow him whole.

But Josh apparently isn't looking even nearly as ashamed. He's been watching Tyler for the whole time, while his expression was changing, and he would laugh at how fucking adorable it was, if he weren't so startled.

Besides the obvious surprise, there's a hint of annoyance in Josh voice, "Didn't your mom teach you how to knock on the door?"

But Brendon isn't able to form words at the moment, probably for the first time in his life, which isn't a good sign, because Brendon always has something to say. "Dude, what? What the fuck?"

"What," Josh turns to face Brendon for the first time today.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on?" Brendon asks, outraged.

"Tell me, how you got here first, and what you want," Josh protests.

"The door was open, and I never knock, dude. You know this." Brendon answers simply, looking at Josh for the whole time and trying to get something out of him. "I wanted to ask you, if you were going to a party tomorrow, because you wouldn't even answer my calls, but it seems like you've got better things to do." He smirks at Josh, turning his look to Tyler. Tyler keeps looking at the wall on his left side, but he still can feel his gaze, and he's perfectly aware of what he's implying.

"I don't go to parties," Josh reminds him.

"I know, but I always ask you when there's one. There's always a chance, that you could change your mind. Especially now, with a _boyfriend_ by your side." He says it in the way tv hosts speak in their programmes, and it's ridiculous. None of them knows, who, besides Brendon, is more speechless. Brendon only derives satisfaction from it.

"I don't go to parties," Josh repeats himself, partially from being pissed at Brendon, and partially from being at a loss of words.

"Oh, come on, let me convince you," Brendon pleads innocently.

"No."

"Okay," Brendon sighs. "We'll do this in an other way. You will show up for an hour with your boyfr—"

Josh interrupts him, "One more word and I will kick you out."

"Dude. Calm down."

But Josh can't calm down, especially when Brendon is making fun of him in such a perfidious way. “Okay. You know what you wanted to know. What else is keeping you here?"

"Um, I don't know... Maybe what is going on? What is _Tyler_ doing here?" Brendon asks, as if it was the most obvious question in the world.

Josh sighs heavily and realizes, that he literally threw himself into a dark, dull hole. He won't tell Brendon how it happened, that him and Tyler started seeing each other more and more, at least not now. He can't put Tyler in such kind of situation, because he knows it's not only about himself.

"I gave him a ride from school, and we were hanging out, okay?"

"A-and that's it?" Brendon raises his eyebrows. "How do you even—I don't know. How do you both know each other?"

Oh, the irony. Indeed, Brendon knows nothing about them both, even though it seems ridiculous, for how nosy he is. Josh comes into a realization that Brendon actually hadn't got a chance to see them whenever they were hanging out. Their most important place to hang out was the garage, in the middle of the night, and at school they would only share glances. It must be pain for Brendon, the notice, that he's not the only one to mess around Tyler.

"It's not that we are strangers. It's you who started. And we see each other every Sunday," Josh tells him. And it's not a lie.

"Dammit." Brendon laughs, looking at both of them. "Let me make up my mind, because I'm completely confused." He takes a step and sits on a chair not so far away. He comes back to the topic. “Okay. Tyler. Party tomorrow."

"You aren't taking him anywhere," Josh protests.

"Being a possessive boyfriend isn't good in a relationship," Brendon pries.

Josh ignores him, because it seems like the most reasonable decision at the moment, and tells him, "You don't remember what happened last night you had taken him to a party? I thought my lecture was enough for you then."

"But it _won't_ happen again. Didn't you see how guilty I felt?"

"For 5 minutes?" Josh chimes in.

"Listen," Brendon sighs. "I don't even drink. And last time was a mistake. It wasn't even me who gave Tyler a drink." He looks at Tyler innocently, who is still sitting on a counter silently. "Come on, Ty, we're going tomorrow, aren't we?" He still gazes at him, and Tyler only shrugs in response. "See? He doesn't mind. We're going."

Josh fights with himself not to say anything else in protest, because it's only Tyler's decision, and he has nothing to say here, even though he would prefer Tyler not to go.

"Don't worry, Joshua, we'll come back safe and sound. Hide your jealousy in a pocket."

He would, if it were possible. He repeats to himself over and over, that they don’t have any commitment towards each other, but the fact is, that Brendon within a few minutes got to reveal what’s inside Josh’s head, because no matter what situation they are in, he knows Josh so well. He’s just wondering, if Tyler noticed it.

And if it comes to Brendon, Josh doesn’t know, if not telling him about Tyler was any sort of betrayal, but he’s feeling guilty. However, even if Brendon is going to be pissed off at him, he can yell at him much as he wants, because it will still be worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> literally, when i started writing this chapter, i thought it would be the shortest chapter so far and it wouldn't even reach weak 2k words, but surprise—4k again (feedback appreciated though).
> 
> what are your thoughts on this chapter? this story? characters? your suspicions? i love reading what you have to say, so go ahead, tell me what’s in your head and we will solve it together. ♥️
> 
> don't forget to tell your grandma's cousin's nephew's second wife's friend, that right here is one girl, that has already written a long ass story and if they need something to read, they can come right here.  
> shameless promo’s over.
> 
> as always, thank you for reading and being here. i love you.


	20. hiding room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how is it a chapter 20th already?

The next day has risen up sooner than Tyler was able to realize it. It has gone by so quickly, that he has to be already waiting for Brendon to take him wherever he planned to. Tyler isn't sure, if he really wants it; if he wants the repeat of the last time, even though Brendon said it definitely wouldn't happen.

Yesterday happened like a blink of an eye; Tyler still doesn't exactly know, if he managed to take everything in and examine it in his head. Thoughts of Brendon finally finding out the truth, of the way he had to get to know it, and the whole party, were crowding his mind through the whole night. And finally the thoughts that shouldn't be even haunting him; From the moment when Josh invited him to his house again, how warmly he was greeted, and how Josh was looking at him in that kitchen. Well, it probably wasn't supposed to mean anything significant, obviously, but his mind keeps reminding him, that it actually _was_ , and he isn't sure, if he likes it or not. He isn’t sure of anything.

A knock on the door startles him, and he realizes, that it's too late to back out, even though deleting plans with Brendon doesn't really seem possible anyway. But why did he agree to this, again? He hates parties, or more like, hates people there, who mostly aren't really wise thinking, and he doesn't like the atmosphere and smell of alcohol, and a sight of unconscious students. Josh was clever enough to deny beforehand. Maybe if Tyler talked, his words would be convincing enough to disagree, too.

Sometimes he feels like a paper doll in hands of society, that controls and leads his every move; This is what the whole thing about being mute makes him feel sometimes. He is unable to say all the arguments being formed in his head through the years.

But on the other hand, it gave him power he never thought he would have. Of all the weapons he's fought with in his life, the silence seems to be the most intense, and he uses it towards people he doesn't fully trust, or at all. So most of them.”

"Look, who decided to open the door!" Brendon greets him with far too big enthusiasm on his face. It's not like Tyler had another of his regular breakdowns just a second ago.

He nods to Brendon, who moves to lead a way to his car, without any further questions, surprisingly. Tyler isn't complaining, though. The less questions, the less problems, especially for him.

"How about stopping by Josh's house to drag him with us?" Brendon asks, when they are already settled inside the car.

Tyler shrugs his shoulders, hoping that Brendon can see. He can't exactly imagine having Josh by his side during that kind of an event, but what is certain is the fact, that Tyler would feel safer. However, he's convinced, that Josh doesn't want anybody to find out that they both are friends, at least not now. Even Brendon finding out about it was a huge surprise. At least it was _only Brendon_ , who didn't make so much of a deal of it.

Tyler doesn't know, what is it about, that they are hiding themselves from other people. He tries to believe, that Josh isn't ashamed of showing up with Tyler publicly, but on the other hand he also doesn't really want to share Josh with other people. It would made them whisper in hallways about the two, who out of all average people there happened to befriend one another. It's better when people don't know. Hanging out with Brendon on their eyes is enough, to be honest.

It's already dark outside, so it's visible, when Brendon turns right into less busy street, which is lit up differently at the very end. Tyler is getting a dejà vu.

He doesn't think it's a good idea to stop by Josh's garage now. It's obvious that Josh won't go with them, and Tyler isn't sure if he's ready to face Josh after his overthinking last night. But he isn't the one making the rules.

Brendon doesn't even get to stop the car yet, when he slides the window open and yells in the direction of a bright garage, "Yo, Josh, you coming?"

A moment after he steps out of the car and opens the gate, motioning Tyler to do the same, even though Tyler doesn't see a point of leaving the car. It might come out rude of him, because Josh was nothing but nice yesterday. It's just Tyler who's a little paranoid, maybe.

"Are you sure you don't want to go?" Brendon asks Josh again, as if he couldn't head him before. This time Josh is standing with his boots on a desk, cleaning or hanging something on the wall. He doesn't turn around after hearing Brendon.

"Go away. You'll be late," he calls out.

"Josh, will you kindly get down and face your guests?" Brendon ignores him. And Josh exactly knows what Brendon is doing, and he exactly knows that by his side is nobody else but Tyler. No need to remind him.

He finally turns around and jumps down onto the floor, when his gaze meets Tyler's face, half dark and half illuminated by the lights from the inside, and the sight alone is probably the best thing that has happened today.

A long time ago, when he finally accepted the fact, that Tyler wasn't going to leave anywhere and anytime, he promised himself that he wouldn't go anywhere near him, and just let him do his own stuff without any word. He broke the promise, when he started talking to him, more and more, offering him multiple rides home and inviting his to his damn house. But now he won't give up and just go with them to some party, even just to be close to him.

"You should go with us. We could hook you up with someone," Brendon tells Josh with a shrug of his arms, saying it as if him and Tyler were some best partners in crime.

"I don't need anyone," Josh reminds him.

"Ah, of course," Brendon taps on his own forehead. "Of course, we know." He turns his gaze from Josh to Tyler knowingly. "But if you don't go, _I_ will take this sunshine'y sweetheart away from you to keep _me_ warm." He wraps his arm around Tyler's shoulders to tear some sort of reaction out of Josh.

And hell, does he. Just because Brendon always gets to be around Tyler whenever he wants, to go out with him so casually; He’s wrapping his arms around him whenever there's an occasion, keeps saying some flirty shit and calling him names and Tyler doesn't even flinch. As if it doesn't bother him who Brendon really is.

And okay, Josh is aware of the fact that he wouldn't be even so close to Tyler if it weren't because of Brendon, and Brendon has been practically hanging out with Tyler since the first day of school and dragged him out of his painful reality just by his dumb presence, but everything has its limits. For example, calling him sweetheart has been reserved for Josh for a long time.

But Josh obviously doesn’t let him know this. He only huffs in annoyance. "Shut up—"

Something interrupts him and speaks up at the same time, directing words to Brendon, as if it could read Josh’s mind, _"Don't call me that..."_

And at this exact time, he isn't sure who is more shocked, him or Brendon, but they both turn to face Tyler in a record time. Josh was certain that Tyler would eventually start talking easily maybe some time in the future, just as he would talk to Josh, but he wasn't expecting it would be now, in this circumstance. And it's impossible that it was spontaneous. He literally plans his every breath. 

He will never stop surprising Josh.

However, Josh feels like he's just lost a secret which Tyler gave away now without asking him. He shouldn't be thinking this way, so he tries to feel relieved, that he doesn't have to keep anything a secret anymore. And it seems to work, for some time, at least.

It takes a few good seconds to register in his mind what is actually happening, because it's too much, even for him, before he unconsciously fights with a grin that starts appearing on his face out of nowhere at the realisation what Tyler actually decided to say. It's shocking and amusing at the same time, because it seems like Tyler doesn't want Brendon to talk to him like that, as well. The look on Brendon's face is priceless.

"Y—you talked! What? Did you hear it, Josh?" he stammers. "Say it again."

Josh is surprised that Tyler doesn't burst off laughing from how Brendon is looking at him, because he certainly can't help it.

"Josh?" Brendon says helplessly, expecting a reaction from Josh, but the same reaction actually happened to Josh already, weeks ago.

"I mean..."

"Did you know?" Brendon asks, but Josh's face makes everything clear. "You knew! You fucker, you knew."

Brendon tries to look at both of them at the same time, to find some answers on their faces. He feels like that one kid in a group of friends that isn't being invited anywhere, doesn't know any secrets of them, and practically has to find out everything by themselves.

Brendon is still regaining his composure, while Josh moves to close the garage. The house is all the way down at the end of the street, so nobody can really surprise them with a visit now, but Brendon is being obnoxiously loud at the moment, and Josh doesn't need any audience.

"You really do talk... You don't have British accent," Brendon finally retrieves enough consciousness to change the topic a bit.

Tyler shakes his head.

"How disappointing. I've never heard anybody shout my name with a different accent and I've been looking forward to it."

Tyler scrunches his nose, and Josh has to look away before he would break into another grin at how adorable it looks. "You're disgusting," Tyler tells Brendon quietly, still probably anxious of his own voice.

Brendon bursts out laughing. "How much time were you waiting to finally tell me this?"

"Too much probably," Josh chimes in.

"Okay, well, well, well," Brendon is looking unbelievably amused at the moment, as if he just made a huge discovery, which isn't really accurate. But Brendon can find a way to make anything his own triumph. "What else are you both hiding from me? Better tell me right now before I find out myself."

"We aren't hiding anything."

"Oh, yeah, Josh? It's not that I interrupted _something_ in the kitchen yesterday," he tells Josh sarcastically. "How long are you two—"

"Us two nothing," Josh laughs it off before it gets too late. "We only hang out. And talk."

Brendon finds it ridiculous. "Talk? About what?"

"Is it really important? What do you think we’re doing?"

"Well, I don't know. He hasn't spoken a word to anybody since he got there, but now you two apparently arrange meetings to _talk._ It's hard to believe that's only it."

"Sorry to burst your bubble then," Josh answers, looking at the same time at Tyler, who is looking down at his shoes, not able to glance at Josh's direction. Josh tries to convince himself it's nothing important.

"We will talk about this," Brendon points at Josh. "But there's no time right now. We were going to head somewhere, if I remember well."

"I swear, if you do something to him again..."

"Oh, like you were complaining." Brendon winks from afar and leads Tyler with him to his own car, leaving Josh alone again with a head full of chaos. “You can talk, holy shit,” he says to himself before he gets inside the car.

This time Brendon isn't giving anybody from near neighbourhoods a ride, and that's a good thing, Tyler doesn't have to think, how he should act like around other people in the car. But Brendon, being Brendon, can't give up, and forces Tyler every minute to say something, or asks why he decided to be mute before. Tyler doesn't give him this satisfaction and doesn't answer at all. He will break sooner than later anyway. 

He isn't sure yet if he regrets talking in general in front of Brendon, but he knows that Brendon won't tell anybody and the secret is safe.

He can't recognize and doesn't even know a name of the club or whatever local it is in front of them, but it seems like the whole school decided to meet here tonight. Unbelievable, that so many people like parties.

When they get inside, the air is stuffy and it's loud, and even though Tyler didn't even get to properly walk through the doorframe, he knows he won't be able to spend here a lot of time. The one thing he is sure about is that he can count on Brendon when it comes to coming back home. He's obligated to do it, because he's the one that is dragging him here.

Tonight Brendon sticks to Tyler for good, for some reason. The last time he did so, too, as the person who takes anyone with them to a party should have, but the last time he just wrapped his arm around Tyler's shoulders to give people a right show at the entrance, but once the show was done, Tyler was released, even though Brendon still didn't allow him to move a few feet away from him. But tonight he doesn't let Tyler go at all. Maybe the last time taught him a lesson, or maybe he just want to show off in front of others. Tyler doesn't know.

When they pass crowds of people and Brendon is looking for familiar faces, he tightens his grip on Tyler's shoulder, and that's when Tyler catches a glimpse of a boy—probably their age; he saw him in school once or twice—who rolls his eyes at the sight of them and gives them both a nasty look, disappearing afterwards.

Tyler looks up at Brendon, mildly terrified, not knowing what it was about with that guy.

"My ex. We're not talking about that," Brendon informs him and shrugs it off, wandering with his eyes through the whole surface of the room, looking for something. Suddenly he tells Tyler to follow him to a room that seems like a bathroom, and Tyler has only a couple of seconds to decide to back away or not, wondering what people around would think about them both walking into a single bathroom, not a stall, similar to the ones in houses.

If Brendon had a boyfriend in the past, people are probably expecting him and Tyler to be a couple, or something, and Brendon is for sure aware of that, but he doesn’t want to tell Tyler. And at first Tyler thought that Brendon kept him around only to take an advantage from him, but it turned out that it wasn't that. Even though Brendon doesn't stop himself from throwing his comments around him, he hasn't even tried to touch him, and it's probably not his purpose, being the gentleman he is.

When they get through the bathroom door and Brendon turns the lock behind Tyler, Tyler whispers, "Why do you want people to think that we are... I don't know—"

"Together?" Brendon finishes. "Because we should be." He smiles nonchalantly and leans his head against the door. Tyler knows he doesn't mean it at all.

"Are you kidding me?” Tyler shakes his head, stuttering.

"How _good_ it is to hear your voice. You have no idea," Brendon mumbles, still smiling. And Tyler wants to run away. "And why would I be kidding you?"

"As far as I know you only care about... one night stands..." He tells Brendon, but at the same time he has no idea what's the truth behind it. He says what people say.

But Brendon doesn't seem to mind it. He scoffs. "There's always a room for an exception."

Tyler shakes his head again. He isn't stupid and he knows, when Brendon is joking, so most of the time. But he has to finally get things straight. "Wow, you really risk losing your reputation every time you hang out with me,” he says slowly, examining every word in his head before it leaves his mouth.

"What reputation? What do you think people think we are doing here at the moment? _Talking?_ " He probably tries to give Tyler a hint from the talking thing with Josh. Tyler wants to run away even more than before.

But he knows what Brendon means, he knows what he wants people to think, and his first instinct is to immediately protest. "Brendon, no."

"Calm down." Brendon chuckles.

"Why are you doing this?" Tyler asks. He's going to panic in a minute.

"Doing what?"

"Is this why you started talking to me in the first place? To use me for this?" Tyler asks.

"No, no!" Brendon covers his face with his hands. "Listen. Well, at first, yes. But when I got to know you more I knew you were more clever than that and I found out you just were fun to hang out with." He turns his gaze to Tyler to perceive a reaction from him. There's none of it. "I was joking. If you got so scared when I dragged you here, we can leave this damn bathroom now, and if they ask anything I will tell them you felt sick or something. And you need to know that if I were here with anybody else, I would never give up on that huge opportunity to tell people I was with somebody in a bathroom just because they were sick."

"I'll take your word for it." He sighs slowly and pauses to think. "But can you be clearer with this? I don't understand anything," he almost whines, not wanting to leave the bathroom yet, no matter how much he hates being here.

"Well, when people see I'm with somebody, they don't expect me to fuck around with everyone else on two legs," Brendon tells him honestly.

"But isn't that what you actually do?" Tyler asks without thinking. He regrets it just as it comes out of his mouth. But he just wants to know if everything people whisper about Brendon is true. Is it bad?

"I liked you more when you weren't talking," Brendon jokes. "And no, it isn't what I actually do, at least not anymore, if I'm being totally honest with you."

Tyler isn't sure, if he really wants to sigh in relief, but he does sigh in relief. For some reason he didn't believe in rumors about Brendon at school. He knew him enough to believe them. Maybe he's oblivious, or maybe Brendon controls himself only while he is with Tyler, but even this fact would mean something; that Brendon isn't such an asshole as people name him.

"If I appeared anywhere alone," Brendon continues, "They would think something is wrong, would like to know why, and start speculating. So, a little fraud makes everything easier and they can leave my ass alone. And I'm not even guilty about it, because even though I may have you, you have Josh, so it's all good—"

"Josh?" Tyler asks with disbelief.

"Yeah, I wouldn't do it to both of you,” he lets Tyler know, “So this bathroom thing was supposed to be a joke since the beginning. At least that’s what I think" Brendon shrugs.

"What?" Tyler gets even more confused.

"Dude, now since I know about you two, I have to keep my mouth shut and keep my hands to myself even tighter. Leave Josh what's his." He smirks at Tyler, laughing when he sees how round Tyler eyes are from how he's been staring at him, shocked.

"Do you think me and Josh are—"

"Together?" Brendon finishes for him. Seems like a dejà vu again. "Oh, come on. I knew something was going on from the way you looked at each other at school, but didn't want to interfere."

"Oh... You must have imagined it, because he barely even glances over at me." Tyler whispers, as if he is facing a painful reality. Brendon takes a note of it.

"You're right," Brendon nods. "He doesn't glance over at you. He stares right at your face without any shame and doesn't even try to hide with it."

And well, this is new, because even though Tyler caught Josh staring sometimes, especially yesterday when their eyes were literally inches away from one another for good few minutes and Tyler had to lie to himself that he didn't like it at all, he is sure that it doesn’t mean anything and Josh just tries to amuse him every time no one's watching, to remove that permanent pout and frown from his face. 

Tyler is left speechless, ironically. He doesn't know what to believe, because it doesn't seem believable. He doesn't want to know, at all. "This is not true."

Brendon laughs. Nice. He knows how to make Tyler uncomfortable. "You're so oblivious. How do they call it? Blinded by love?"

"Shut up."

It makes Brendon laugh even harder, and Tyler can see how much satisfaction he's giving him by simple talking, or more like very slow whispering. He has no idea how he was able to be quiet for all this time without an urge to tell Brendon to _stop._

"I mean, look at you,” Brendon tilts his head, being incredibly proud of himself at the moment. "Can you imagine how jealous he is right now?" Brendon taunts. "You should have seen his face when we were leaving today. But yeah, tell me what you want."

"You're ridiculous," Tyler tells him, unlocking the door and leaving the bathroom, still feeling Brendon's presence following him through the hallway.

They didn't stay for a long time in the club afterwards, and when Brendon's friends started sending him questioning glances, he told them he helped Tyler in the bathroom when he was about to faint, and asked them if they didn't have any painkillers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woww, this story has got almost, _almost_ , 3000 hits and 200 kudos, what? that’s amazing. thank you!
> 
> wow, thank you for reading this mess. and sorry if it's... messy. i'm super ill and i probably made it complicated, but i still always proofread the whole chapter, so it should be at least tolerable.
> 
> thank you for your suggestions about how this chapter should go, i loved them and kept them in mind whilst writing. and thank you for all the comments below the last chapter. i didn’t think it would get any of them.
> 
> don’t forget to tell me what you’re thinking about this one. ♥️


	21. confessing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> grab your tissues and let’s go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: slight mention of blood at the beginning

Tonight everything feels a little bit off, especially when Tyler gets closer and closer to the garage that might be his second home at this point.

He doesn't know, why he's feeling _odd_ ; maybe it's a guilt towards himself, a regret of doing something that he shouldn't have done, even though he didn't do anything bad, but his feet aren't obedient and always lead him in the same direction.

It will be fine, he convinces himself. _Why am I even overreacting?_

Everything happened after, or even still during the party, that he has started feeling conflicted and overwhelmed by what was currently happening around him. He shouldn't feel that way. Everything was fine, right? He was at the party with Brendon and everything went how it should've gone. He didn't drink any of the gross drinks, he wasn't forced to do anything, Brendon was only being nice. So what's it all about?

He doesn't know. He has no idea at all.

As the time goes by, however, he only realizes, that he starts being more and more like a playing card in front of the others. And it's not like it's Brendon, or _Josh's_ fault. It's his own. He always brings up the worst scenario to life, even though he has more choices. He should finally leave it in the past and act like nothing ever happened, but this is not that easy. And he feels guilty.

He couldn't distinguish Josh's face expression yesterday, when he arrived with Brendon at his place, and when they were leaving. He didn't know exactly how Josh reacted when he actually _spoke_ to Brendon. He could not react at all, but at first he acted shocked and then he was laughing like it was the most normal thing in the world. Tyler doesn't know if that meant something to Josh, if he cares about it even a little bit as much as Tyler, but Tyler still feels like he should explain it to him.

So now he is standing in front of his house, not sure if he wants to take another step ahead or not.

The garage is lit up as always, giving Tyler clear directions to his destination, even though he already knows them by heart. He can see Josh inside, kneeling over some drawers near the entrance, looking for something. If he turned his head to the right, he could notice Tyler standing by the gate, but as long as Tyler isn't making any noise nor taking a step ahead, he's invisible.

It feels weird; that Tyler wants, really wants to come inside, but can't take a step ahead; Something is blocking him, so he can't move. He can't even step back and go back where he's come from.

Before he manages to turn his head and look at Josh again, he can hear a muffled scratching sound from somewhere inside, along with whispered, "Oh, for _fuck's sake_."

Josh is still kneeling, now staring at something by his side, blocking Tyler the view. But then he stands up, turning in the direction of the entrance, and that's when Tyler can see something, most probably blood dripping alongside his arm, despite his other hand fisting its source.

Nobody knows, what happens first; Josh noticing Tyler when he heads to the entrance, or Tyler hurrying to him, almost bumping into him.

"Oh, Tyler, hey." Josh seems almost out of breath when he collides his ways with Tyler, and at the exact moment none of them knows, in which direction they were going to go. And there's even more blood.

"Josh...?" Tyler takes a step back and asks carefully, as if the stronger tone of his voice could make the blood come out faster, denser. He stares at the hand, urging himself to help, but the blood keeps dripping, and he has no idea what to do at this point to stop it, so if none of them does anything, run somewhere to grab any cloth to tie it tightly around the hand, Josh is going to bleed out.

"Look, I've literally hit my hand on a broken glass," Josh says hurriedly, looking somewhere behind Tyler, then looking around to find something. The thing is, in this room there's nothing that could help; any towel, literally no fabric that could be torn off and used as a bandage.

There's no point to run to the bathroom; It's probably too far away. Tyler still isn't well oriented around Josh's house, which is huge, so trying to find a bathroom would take too much time. And Tyler isn't sure if Josh would be able to help with giving him directions. It seems like he doesn't know what's happening and blood makes him sick.

"In my car, there should be a first aid kit, so if y—" Josh tries to say, before the blood which seemed to be stopped by his fist for a while had just started coming out through fingers. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God."

Tyler doesn't know what to do, either. He presses his palm over Josh's hand which is also pressed tightly over the split across Josh's left hand. Just seconds have passed since he's got here, but it seems like long minutes already. Maybe this is the sight of blood that makes them dizzy. Tyler isn't sensitive when it comes to a sight of blood, but he can't tell if Josh isn't, either. Josh avoids looking down on the hand, so maybe this is the answer. He tries his best not to show it on his face, though.

"Where exactly is the first aid kit in your car?" Tyler asks, panicked.

"Inside a trunk."

Tyler looks around to find the car, and, oh God, it's literally at the other side of driveway; No way they would manage to get there without losing any more blood than if they stayed in place.

He suddenly lets go of Josh's hand, and even though this decision came into his head just a second ago and it's ridiculous, it's probably the only way to get Josh out of here all alive and well, without a feeling of being lightheaded because of losing a big amount of blood. Tyler takes his winter jacket off in one motion, getting to his own shirt and taking it off through his head. Josh wants to asks him what the hell he is doing, but Tyler already folds the shirt as quickly as he can, to wrap it over the split skin and tie tightly. Josh is at a loss of words.

"Don't you think it's me who should have used their shirt?"

Tyler sighs heavily, fixing the cloth with both of his hands, still unsure if it's tight enough. "If you made any move to remove it, then yes, you're right. Besides, you couldn't let go of your hand, and I wouldn't just ask you to take your shirt off..." And the sight of Josh shirtless would probably cause him problems with breathing and they both would pass out.

It's cold. Very cold. It's November and Tyler is practically outside, half naked, not mentioning that he's kneeling in front of Josh, all exposed for the whole world to see what they can't see underneath the loose clothes. He convinces himself, that he's done it for Josh, that otherwise he would have bled out here, and that it's better that Josh feels dizzy for some reason so he can't react to it like he would normally do.

"Josh?" Josh looks up at him, in his eyes, and he wouldn't believe that he's been bleeding out for a few minutes if he didn't witness it. Maybe blood is really like some kind of a drug. "Are you still with me?"

"Yes. Yes, just... My head is spinning. Lots of blood, man."

"It's not that much, actually," Tyler mumbles. It really isn't. Maybe not enough lose consciousness. He probably overreacted.

"It _is_ , what the heck."

Tyler chuckles under his breath and shakes his head. "Do you need... an ambulance?

"No, it's fine. Really. My senses are returning," Josh smiles crookedly, and Tyler doesn't know, if it's a good or bad thing. They really need to head inside. Otherwise he will not bleed out, but frost instead. "And it's enough that I panicked. Sorry you had to see that."

"It's fine. You've lost a lot of blood. And it must hurt very bad. Half of your palm is split."

"Hurts like a bitch, Tyler." Josh agrees, laughing through the pain. 

Tyler sends him a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry."

Josh exchanges his smile and moves to take his hand, but it's before he realizes. "Ty, you're literally freezing. Come inside." He helps Tyler to stand up and motions him to the back door of the house. "Go, go, go."

It's even worse when they walk inside, as the warm air hits Tyler's back and sends shivers all along his spine.

"I'm sorry. I'm used to cold, so I didn't even realize. You can hit me in the face if you want. I deserve it."

Tyler smiles and rolls his eyes. He rubs his arms with his hands to warm himself up.

"I'll bring you one of my shirts, or do you want to choose? I'd give you literally any of them thanks to yours," he points to Tyler's curled shirt tied around his palm. "Okay, I'll look for something that fits."

He disappears in one of the rooms, leaving Tyler still very shirtless and not knowing what to do. No matter how many times he's been here, he's still afraid to touch anything in this house. His left hand is the warning.

Josh comes back after a few moments, with a shirt and the first aid kid from his car in his other hand. He doesn't give Tyler a chance to grab the shirt, since he quickly puts it on his body through Tyler's head. And the sight of Tyler with his own shirt on might be even worse for his senses than seeing him without a shirt at all, but he tries to forget about it.

"Please, tell me, that you at least know how _it_ works." He puts the whole medical equipment on Tyler's lap, along with his injured hand.

"I thought you could do anything perfectly, but look, you don't know the first aid basics," Tyler jokes, opening a bottle of peroxide.

"Well, you don't have to be an expert in first aid if you do everything perfectly, because accidents literally never happen to you," Josh adds with his stupid smile in addition.

"Wow, you got me there." Tyler smiles nervously, moving his hands to unwrap the shirt from Josh's left hand. It's already stuck onto a skin a little bit, and Tyler tries not to think in how much pain Josh must be. It's easier since he doesn't even flinch. "It's going to hurt. Try to think about something good."

Josh doesn't think it can hurt even more than it did so far, and he's sure that he doesn't have to worry about anything with Tyler by his side. He trusts him so much.

Josh turns his gaze away from the hand Tyler is working with and reaches his good hand out to lift up the hem of Tyler's—his—shirt pooling at his thighs to trace his thumb up and down the soft skin of his hipbone. He doesn't now what's got into him, but as long as Tyler doesn't swat his hand away, he can examine all the spots and freckles and scars on his tummy since he didn't get to take a better look at them earlier.

He doesn't clearly know where the mark on his shoulder is from, or how he got that long scar on his hip. The first one looks more like from a fight with a dog, and the second one like a result of a surgery, but he can only suppose. He really wants Tyler to tell him about it, everything about him, face to face, and it feels like he's nearly dying, seeing him here all the time but not knowing what is going on, even less and less every day.

He continues exploring Tyler's skin with his featherlight touch, careful not so scare him off, and he can hear the hitch of his breath when he moves a little bit higher, feeling goosebumps under his fingers. Josh feels high, like on a cloud. Like he's the one being touched.

"Tell me something," he whispers to Tyler, making sure he can hear. Tyler has just finished cleaning the blood stains off his hand and forearm, and he moves his gaze to Josh. Josh puts his head on a couch backrest and looks at the ceiling. "Tell me a story."

"What story?"

"I don't know. Nothing about blood, 'cause I've had enough." He can feel an awful sting pain inside his palm at the moment, but he doesn't want to look. He trusts Tyler. "Tell me _your_ story. Your real story."

Tyler stops for a moment, but doesn't say anything. Josh forgets, that his other hand still rests on Tyler's side. Tyler forgets how to breathe.

"But you said you didn't want to hear about blood," Tyler answers finally.

Josh doesn't know, what he expected, but it wasn't this. He expected Tyler to be silent and shrug this question off, like he does every time, but Josh always tries.

And now he doesn't also know, what to feel. That's what he's wanted, right? He wanted answers, he _needs_ them, but any time Tyler speaks up, it comes out even more complicated and abstract than before. But he knows how Tyler is. He won't tell him straight away. And he won't tell him without his help.

Josh wants to hold him and touch him and feel him everywhere in his body. He wants to tell Tyler that he can trust him, just how Josh does, that he doesn't have to be scared of Josh, doesn't have to be so distant, because he's already broken the barrier and was more brave than anyone else on that first day of school.

He wants to see him and his eyes again, but Tyler is busy with making Josh's damn hand look like it looked before the accident, and Josh hates that he's so ideal to him, that he comes here more and more often, because it would be a lot easier if Josh never started thinking the way he does now.

But here he is at the moment, craving to hold at least his hand, even though he had decided earlier that he wouldn't go anywhere near this, not clearly knowing if he was afraid of Tyler shattering under the touch—because now that Tyler said about his story filled with blood, he's even more convinced that Tyler can crumble anytime, no matter how strong he was in the past—afraid of the feeling, or afraid of making a mistake.

"Tyler," he breaks the silence, and Tyler is looking at his hand. "Tyler, what?"

Tyler puts away the first aid equipment from his lap and looks at Josh. He doesn't look sad nor scared. Just blank.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... kill the mood." He covers his face with his hands.

"No, it's fine. Just... You know you can tell me anything, right?"

"Yes." He looks up at Josh after what feels like a lot of time. The unusual thing about them sharing glances is that they aren't able to look away. "It's just hard, Josh." He leans against the headrest and relaxes his muscles.

"Take your time, okay?" Tyler nods. "I just don't want you to hold in when you need to get something off your back. I will listen. I always listen, right?" Josh tells him softly, and the tone of his voice itself makes Tyler want to cry.

"I don't want to take my time, Josh. But at the same time I don't have any other choice. And I know you are angry at me, that I've actually started talking to Brendon, and I know that I'm wasting your time, that I shouldn't be... doing this, and I'm being annoying, and all. I know. I spent the whole night thinking about it, about everything, and I still don't know what to do."

Josh shakes his head. "What? Tyler. Look at me." Tyler closes his eyes and frowns, hesitating before looking at Josh again. The helpless look on his face makes Josh weak inside, worried that he won't be able to help. "I wouldn't be angry at you if I tried. I _couldn't_."

Suddenly Josh feels a need to give Tyler an explanation to every simplest thing. It's strange, but it seems like the only way to fix things; to make them a tiny bit better. It's all because of the lack of communication, that even though it's dangerous, it brings them closer together. And that's why it's so strange.

"I was just confused. You just... spoke. Out of nowhere. And I still don't know if you talked to anybody else, if it was just me before."

Tyler doesn't hesitate with that, "It was just you."

"And how is it now?"

"I've only talked to you and Brendon. Nobody else," Tyler tells him.

"Why Brendon?" Josh asks. He doesn't mean to come out rude, but it just sounds like this. And it's obviously Brendon, it's practically the first friend Tyler has made here, who has spent a lot more time with him than Josh.

"Why not?"

"Tyler—"

"I wanted to talk to Brendon first. Even before I started hanging out with you," Tyler manages to defend himself quickly. "I knew he was _your_ friend and I knew what Brendon was like. But he was the first and only person that didn't judge me at all. I wouldn't even say a word to him and he still stuck with me. He didn't spread any rumours about me. For the first time in... I don't even remember when." He wraps his arms around his knees, tucked underneath his chin. It's more like he's talking to himself now.

"Why didn't you talk to him then?" Josh asks, stupidly. He's at a loss of words, but wants to let Tyler know that he's still here, listening.

"Because... it's hard," Tyler repeats himself. "I tried every day, but I failed. And it didn't even depend on me. I just felt like I lost my tongue every time I wanted to speak. And I still feel like that when I'm with other people. That's how tragic it's already got."

Josh's heart sinks. He wouldn't even expect somebody would have a problem with... speaking. But now even Tyler's problem feels like his own issue as well. Everything has changed drastically since he appeared, and by this time Josh has got to realize how much he didn't know people. He lost everything being practically a child, which made him aggressive and egoistic introvert who people didn't want to have anything in common with. He didn't believe he could be a good person in more private and intimate way, not only when he would greet his neighbors. But now he tries his best to make one person's life in particular better, not caring about his own advantages at all. It's unbelievable how many emotions have broken into him through this short span of time.

"So why have you started it?" It hurts Josh to ask this question and he knows he probably won't get an answer, but he at least has to try. "Did somebody force you? Something happened?" He hesitates afterwards. Obviously something happened. Tyler's childhood trauma literally shouts out from his body every time he looks at people in the eye. Josh tries to keep his voice as gentle as possible. 

"I don't..." Tyler stutters, and hides his face in his arms once again, breathing heavily.

Josh can't stand seeing him in this state and he shuffles closer, a lot closer, wrapping his arms around his cuddled frame and untangling his limbs to lean against his chest. "Shh... You don't have to tell me anything. Whenever you're ready."

"I'm sorry." Tyler faces Josh's chest now, and his words come out muffled, and Josh feels his lips moving against his shirt, but he doesn't care at all. "I want to tell you. You have no idea how much I want this. The worst thing is that... I started this. Nobody forced me, not to this." He pauses between each sentence to take a deep breath. "It was my decision, because I couldn't stand... everything. Everybody was asking questions I didn't even know answers to, and they forced me to say what they had noted for me, but I didn't want to lie, so I just stayed silent. I didn't want to tell them anything, but they didn't understand, and it pissed them off."

Josh listens with his eyes closed and his mouth buried in Tyler's hair, squeezing his arms around his body even more, as if Tyler could fall out from his hug in a moment. The last time he's held on somebody this tightly was with his grandpa before his mother's and siblings' funeral.

"And... It kind of gave me satisfaction, that they couldn't do anything about it, couldn't get a word out of me. And I thought that this—being mute all the time—would give me a power over other people and make me a stronger person after what had happened. It's childish, but I actually _was_ a child. I still am. But it _gave_ me that power, Josh."

He pauses to take another few breaths, practically laying on Josh's chest at this point. He probably doesn't remember that he's holding onto Josh as tight as Josh is holding him, because he's too lost in his own thoughts.

"I liked not talking, because people finally started leaving me alone, and that was my main point. There was no use in asking questions and investigating if I wasn't any help for them. I had to get used to it and after lots of attempts and testing myself I just stopped one day, and people haven't heard from me to this day. And I started counting. Do you know which day would it be if I still didn't talk?" he asks Josh, trying to get familiar with his talking. He's already said a lot, and his throat is sore. He isn't a kind of talkative person, but he owes Josh a lot.

Josh hums in response, letting him know, that yes, he wants to know.

"495."

This makes Josh open his eyes. 495 days is almost 2 years. 2 years without saying a word to anyone.

"Ty, that's... a lot."

"It's still counting, except for you and Brendon. I first talked to you on the day 472. That was... 23 days ago."

Unbelievable. It seems like 2 months at least to Josh. Too much has changed since that time already. 

"You really do count it perfectly every day. Wow. It's smart. I'd forget the numbers after 2 weeks."

Tyler sighs, clutching at Josh's shirt with his fist automatically, but still not looking up. He's surprised that Josh can still hear his stammering. "This is how it got too much, and it took over me. Now I don't even feel that stupid power over people, I just feel worthless."

"Ty—"

"I do," Tyler continues. "I know that people started manipulating me and using me for their own advantage, and now that I don't talk at all, I feel like a plant. Not like a real person at all."

That leaves Josh with thoughts again. Even though Tyler doesn't talk a lot, the power of his words affects on him that much, that it leaves him speechless.

"Ty, look at me." Josh waits for Tyler to raise his head, but it doesn't happen. "Please."

It takes many breaths in and out until Tyler finally sits up as best as he can still in Josh's arms, and that's when they look each other in the eye again, but probably for the first time with that much trust and honesty. 

"You are stronger than most people around you," Josh tells him, not looking away from where he's looking deep into Tyler's brown eyes. "I know you've gone through much, too much, and I'd do anything to help you, but... I just have to know how, you know? I want you to forget about whatever happened in the past and live a normal, happy life, but I literally have no idea what's wrong, where it came from and what I can do for you. It hurts me, too, and you have to tell me."

"I want to tell you, you have no idea how much I want to tell _you_ ," Tyler tries to convince Josh, because that's what he really means, from the bottom of his heart. "It's just... Not yet. I can't, yet."

While he says this, his eyes shine in the bright reflection of the moon outside, and Josh doesn't want to let him cry now, so he lays Tyler's head under his chin again, allowing him to regulate his breathing. Maybe it's enough for tonight. He actually said much. Another few secrets.

Josh's one hand is wrapped around Tyler's body, while the other holds the back of his head, stroking his hair lightly and shushing him. Josh doesn't know, what they had to do within these few months to find one another in this exact situation, right here, but he knows that he could stay in this position for a long time. 

"I think I never thanked you for helping me earlier," Josh begins again. Tyler can't see, but he's smiling. "For saving me."

"You don't have to thank me. I still don't like how I wrapped that bandage around your wrist." Tyler wants to look at Josh's injured hand, but it found its place on Tyler's back earlier.

"I think it's fine. Steady," Josh tells him. "I still feel bad for your shirt and I can buy you like 10 of the same ones."

"It was just a dumb pj's shirt. I own a lot of them."

"You won't convince me, sweetheart."

Josh can feel Tyler's lips against his chest curl into a smile, and that's all he needed.

He removes his left hand from Tyler's back for a second to grab his phone from beside him, but drops it back onto a couch immediately from too much pain caused by flexing his palm. "My left hand is literally useless now."

Tyler responds with a faint smile. "That makes two of us."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, i’m very sorry this update is so late. sometimes huge private problems and mental health and writer’s block and school decide to collide and that’s when you can’t do anything with it at all. i hope the chapter made up for it, maybe at least a little bit. 
> 
> it's very late and i'm in so much haste (i’ve probably never updated earlier than at 3 am), so i apologise in advance if anything is complicated.
> 
> after this chapter i recommend listening to the song: _"female robbery"_ by _the neighbourhood_ again (it was “attached” to the chapter 5th) because the lyrics can give you a hint into tyler's story. maybe you will understand them more right now than back then. 
> 
> and of course tell me what you think, because your opinion is the most important. every comment makes me feel a lot better, as always. :)  
> love you! ♥️


	22. smile

Today feels like every day. There's some snow outside and it's as cold as it was last week. Tyler still doesn't talk and Brendon must have an argument with teachers in almost every class. He asks Tyler inappropriate questions, but Tyler pretends he doesn't hear, as always.

But today is also different, because since the weather is cold, less and less people decide to spend long break outside, so they stay inside, crowding hallways even more. Tyler doesn't mind, because Troye gives him the key to the bathroom that leads to the courtyard at this point and he usually spends a long break sitting on a windowsill in that bathroom and doing whatever he's in mood to do.

He doesn't usually care about locking the door while he's inside, because people already know, that the bathroom is unavailable during long breaks and don't even try to get there. But maybe he should be more careful about it, because a few minutes after he sits down on a windowsill, watching almost empty street at the other side of the building, somebody opens the door.

The fact that Tyler gets nervous is an understatement. In a span of few seconds Tyler considers in what trouble he can get if somebody finds out he spends longs breaks in the bathroom that was supposed to be closed and Troye should have taken care of it.

He breathes in relief, literally in _relief_ , when he sees nobody else but Josh, carefully closing the door, before looking at the direction of the windowsill where Tyler is sitting, and looking like he knew Tyler might be here.

Of course he knew. The door to this bathroom is basically in front of the infamous Josh's bench. He saw Tyler sneaking in here every day, ever since the first day of school.

Every time after they get closer to each other, Tyler feels like for some reason they keep more distance; in school and in general. They are afraid to look into the other's eyes in the hallway—at least Tyler is—and they don't meet again right after.

That's why Tyler is feeling... weird? uneasy? because last time he was the closest to Josh he has ever been, and _maybe_ , maybe it is too awkward to face him now. He isn't complaining, of course, but thoughts of being too clingy and whiny about his problems back then are crowding his mind, and sometimes he thinks like it was too much, like maybe it made Josh uncomfortable, but he went with it anyway because Tyler got so into it.

But on the other hand he convinces himself, that everything was fine with it, because they stayed like that—literally stuck to each other—for at least good two hours, since Josh turned a tv on and they watched some late night film, and Josh had to practically carry Tyler with him as he went to turn the tv on and back to the couch. 

And maybe it was actually fine, because Tyler couldn't even concentrate on the film as he was swooning, too preoccupied with Josh's hand on his head, stroking and tangling his fingers through his hair, and the other hand still on his back, holding him as if he could slip from his grasp because of the weird position they were in, but it felt like the most comfortable position in the world. Or maybe it was just Josh's impact, his warm chest and how good he smelt.

He doesn't know what it is, and why it feels so _right_ to him. He's scared to admit, but he doesn't remember feeling more safe than last Sunday, and he didn't experience a feeling even similar or close to this in many years. And he secretly wants to know, if Josh can agree with him.

Josh approaches Tyler, bringing a cold air with him, and Tyler sends him a look—not sure if he can talk, even thought there's actually nobody else here—which Josh should understand as _"What are you doing here?"_

"What is it like to be a rebel?" Josh asks with a smile, tapping on Tyler's knee. Tyler moves and gives him some space on the windowsill in front of him.

"I should ask _you_ ," Tyler responds hesitantly, still afraid of anybody hearing him, even though it's impossible. He's really sensitive about it at this point. "Why are you even here?"

"Want me to get out?" Josh already stands up from the windowsill, almost getting ready to move, even though he doesn't completely mean it.

"No," Tyler chuckles, grabbing out his hand in Josh's direction to motion him to come back. "You just never talk to me in school."

"I know." With that he hops into a windowsill again—which is quite high and Tyler probably had to put some effort into getting here, or it's just a case of practice. "I just missed your face, maybe. And talking to you."

And okay, it's new, because Tyler immediately feels his whole face getting warm, and he also feels like Josh can see it, because it's definitely burning red. He has no idea where it came from, because of course, he's reacted that way a lot of times in his life, especially when Josh said something during their first meetings or Brendon came up with his nasty comments, but come on. What is the reason now? He tries to laugh it off but stays silent, not to embarrass himself even more. "As if I talk a lot," he says instead.

"Baby steps, Tyler. You've done a lot so far."

"Thank you."

Josh smiles and looks at the city down below through the window, this street almost empty since everyone is at work now.

"You know that girl?"

Tyler raises his eyebrows in confusion.

"You know, _that_ girl... I'd ran away from her right before I got here," Josh says, and Tyler _doesn't know_ at all what he means, maybe Josh is trying to fill the silence with something, since Tyler obviously is never willing to talk, not even in a rude way, never towards Josh, but he just never knows how to start conversations and keep them going. "There's that one girl, I don't know what's her deal, but she always looks at me as if she wanted to do something to me, and I'm sure she was convicted that I was completely oblivious about it, but, yeah. She used the fact that I was talking to Brendon like 2 minutes ago, and everyone knows and loves Brendon," he emhasizes the word, "and she's like, _Hi, Josh, get your ass to my New Year's Eve party on New Year's Eve_ —"

"Wow," Tyler says, unimpressed.

"Yeah. I don't know if she's aware that I'd rather to jump off this roof," Josh points somewhere outside, out of Tyler's eyesight. "Than go to some dumb ass party."

Tyler laughs softly at this. This is the side of Josh he faced first, and even though it's not a very good side, it's an honest and true side, and the side he wouldn't want to change in Josh. That stubbornness makes him more himself.

"Me too," Tyler tells him.

Josh snickers. "Yet you still keep Brendon's company at parties."

"It's been only two times," Tyler explains himself. "And Brendon is that kind of person that won't leave you alone even though you disagree a hundred times."

"True."

"So, will you go to that party?" Tyler asks, half curious and half trying to continue the conversation. He tries to ignore the fact, that something inside of him fell, when Josh mentioned a girl, no matter if it's some random girl he doesn't even know a name of.

He doesn't know what it is. He doesn't know, what's got into him every time he thinks about Josh and meets him recently, because it came out of nowhere with a doubled force. And when Josh started talking about _a girl_ , no matter what its context was, it came back. The funny part is that Tyler has no idea why he's feeling this way.

Josh can go to that party, because it's the only time and the only occasion in the whole year, it's not like usual house parties, and he can go to that girl even now and accept the offer, no matter that he won't go to any with Brendon and Tyler. He shouldn't have to be afraid to hide it behind Tyler, and pretend that he doesn't want to go, because if he really didn't, he wouldn't even mention that, right? And if he does, so what? It won't affect on their... friendship, at all. Why does he even care? His thoughts don't even add up.

Josh's laugh interrupts whatever he's thinking about—fortunately—and Josh probably said something he didn't get to hear, because he wasn't listening.

"No, I won't. I'm just impressed that she wasn't afraid to casually approach me and ask something like that, while everybody here knows that if they get in my way I'm capable to commit murder."

"How am I still not murdered?" Tyler jokes.

"You are different and you know it," Josh admits.

And suddenly it's more true than anything and this is when Josh realizes it. He doesn't _invite_ people to his life at all and has become to hate presence of others since he was a little kid. Sure, he talks with people from class or with adults, but it doesn't lead to anything bigger like being friends. The only person that's been here all the time is Brendon, but he was there even before Josh's life began to break, and eventually he let him stay.

But _Tyler_ is the first person who's got closer than any people—except for Brendon—he's ever interacted with. It was hard at first, because even though he secretly wanted to get to know Tyler, he wanted it from the beginning, he also tried his best to push Tyler away, not wanting to expose his behavior and cold personality to him, and because of selfish he was. He still is. He isn't that aggressive kid from second grade anymore, taking revenge on people who ever looked at him in a wrong way after his mom had died, but he still doesn't want to hurt more people, and that's why he's distant.

While Tyler is already here, he tries his best to let him know, that he's safe and he can take care of him, because everyday Tyler actually becomes more and more important to him. There's no use to deny it anymore. He's fallen, and it's dangerous, but he can't do anything with it.

Tyler knows, obviously, that he's different. He's different to everybody; he doesn't talk, he's scarred all over his upper body, he acts like a victim, even though he actually _is_ one, but he's already tired of it, he lives with his aunt instead of his stereotypically perfect family, and instead of having some interesting hobbies like a normal person his age, he collect names from newspapers and checks their meanings, because he doesn't have anything else to do.

But he doesn't know what that difference means to Josh. Maybe he's different for Josh just like for everyone else.

He catches himself overthinking too much while Josh is looking at him, and he starts to think about another thing to say before a buzzing from his phone interrupts him. He's been holding the phone in his hand for the whole time, so he checks quickly the notification only to find out it's a message from an unknown number. 

_"I was said that you have a lot of studying after school. Wanna study together?"_

Tyler raises his eyebrows and reads the message again. Almost nobody has his phone number and he doesn't give it out to anybody, and for a second he thinks that it might be Brendon, because Tyler actually told him today about his English homework, but he _has_ Brendon's number in his contacts already.

He decides to ignore it and almost puts the phone inside his pocket, but he gets another notification and another message, which makes everything obvious.

_"Sweetheart."_

He looks up at Josh who's leaning his head against the wall behind him and smiles at him knowingly, and it's one of the most sincere smiles Tyler has ever received. He's not used to people smiling at him. They actually never smile, at all. He's thankful for Josh.

"Are you down or are you down?" Josh asks casually, not even attempting to act like it wasn't him.

"Where did you get my number from?" Tyler asks.

"I have my own ways."

And that's how they sit in Josh's car two hours later, Tyler already having his English book open on his lap and reading.

But the car stops too quickly to be already by Josh's house, so Tyler raises his head from the book only to see that they stopped... Well... Tyler has no idea where.

"Come on." Josh motions Tyler to leave the car.

„What?"

"Remember when you told me that if you don't have ice cream for a longer time terrible things happen?" Josh turns to Tyler. "I can hear you being too stressed over that book. Come on."

Josh leads Tyler to an ice cream shop in a shopping mall, somewhere Tyler has never been in this city, and Tyler finds himself overreacting internally, because he doesn't deserve this kind of care at all.

He pulls his phone out and texts Josh before he leaves him to order.

Josh notices that it's Tyler's way to communicate with him in public now, so he takes his phone even before Tyler finishes texting.

_"I don't have any money with me this time."_

Josh looks up from his phone to Tyler. "And?"

_"And. I don't have money."_

_"But_ I _have money,"_ Josh responds.

_"You can't just buy things for me all the time if you know I won't be able to pay back for everything. Sorry Josh."_

_"Yeah, yeah."_ It's the only answer from Josh, and he walks away from Tyler, turning back to him and motioning to approach a table by the window.

They sit by the table, and Josh asks Tyler what kind of ice cream he wants, when he looks somewhere behind Tyler's shoulder, small bells above the door ringing.

"Is she stalking us?" he whispers, and Tyler carefully turns his head away to make sure what is going on. There's a girl walking to the counter, Tyler has probably seen her once or twice at school, but doesn't know her at all. It's probably her who Josh was talking about earlier.

Josh looks in her direction and waits until she orders, and Tyler only shrugs when Josh is looking at him.

"Okay," Josh stands up, but pauses in front of Tyler. "Mint?" he asks, and Tyler nods eventually.

It's taking Josh surprisingly long as for buying ice cream, but Tyler doesn't turn away to check what he is doing, hoping that he hasn't left him alone for good here.

But it's okay, because he can hear Josh's voice; very incoherent, but at least he's here and will come back soon. Tyler crosses his arms and hugs them to his chest.

"Really?" There's a voice of that girl, loud behind him. She sounds amused and it's obvious from her voice that she's smiling. Tyler wants to know, what they are talking about, but eavesdropping isn't really a good choice here.

However, before he manages to think, he turns away to face them both, and the girl is already looking at him, while Josh is saying something to her and paying for his things. Tyler looks away immediately and hangs his gaze on the window beside him.

It feels like an eternity and Tyler nearly forgets what he is here for, until Josh finally greets him by the table, in front of him, with a smile, and with mint ice cream and coffee. Tyler has no idea if that girl is still here or she's gone away. He doesn't turn around.

And Tyler can't be mad at him when Josh smiles _like this_ again, tilting his head and looking at Tyler with so much affection in his eyes, that Tyler has to look away, again, and open his phone not to make it awkward.

 _"Were you both talking about me?"_ he texts Josh. It might be nosy, but he just wants to know, if it involves him.

 _"Nevermind."_ Josh responds after two seconds.

_"Josh."_

_"Sweetheart."_

And he did it again. He did it again, and Tyler can't stay serious for a second anymore, because his lips automatically motion upwards and the heat on his face makes a return. It's going to be the death of him. And Josh only gains satisfaction from it.

Just as Tyler types a proper response to that message, his phone starts buzzing. And it's a phone call this time... From his mom.

He hasn't talked—interacted—with her since his last visit at his old home, and honestly, he doesn't want to. He doesn't have good relationship with her, as well as with everyone else from his family, as he doesn't talk to them at all. They probably still blame him for this.

But maybe he should answer now and get it over with without having to worry later. He's with Josh, maybe his presence will distract him and make the anxiety go away.

He shows his screen to Josh to let him know that it's his mother calling and answers the call. Phone calls with his mother look exactly like this: she's talking and he's listening until she hangs up. Hopefully it doesn't take long this time.

"Tyler, I wasn't even expecting you to answer so quickly."

His mother's voice makes him uneasy for some reason. Through this whole time it's got to sound so distant and foreign to him. Not a very good feeling. 

"Listen, we're visiting you and Debby tomorrow." Tomorrow? _Great_. "For your birthday and—"

Oh. Well, indeed. He totally forgot that his birthday is coming. He doesn't even know what day today is, especially didn't know that his birthday is tomorrow. He's not happy about this at all, but the complete opposite.

Josh is looking at Tyler while he's listening to his mother on the phone, and apparently can read his mind, or it's just visible on Tyler's face, because he takes Tyler's hand that is resting on a table and starts rubbing his wrist.

Tyler isn't sure, if Josh really wants to make him calmer, because his heartbeat is suddenly two times quicker.

"And the day after your birthday we're going to stay in a beautiful house in the suburbs of the city. We hope you'll go with us," his mother continues talking. Josh starts playing with Tyler's fingers. "We will spend your birthday at Debby's tomorrow and the day after tomorrow we will celebrate, relaxing and taking in the amazing views. It's really beautiful there. And it will be your day."

It can be beautiful, but it doesn't make Tyler feel any more better. First, he knows that he has to get mentally ready to face his family, and secondly, they are going to be here _tomorrow._ If they started making any plans involving him, they should have informed him earlier. It's not that he has some great social life here—Josh will understand—but letting him know at least a week before would make him a lot calmer.

"... And I thought that we could maybe make an appointment with Mrs. Rogers. You remember her, she helped you a lot of times during a therap—"

Tyler stops listening when Josh's fingers make his way to the bottom of his palm and start tickling him so much, that he has to swat his hand away, but Josh only laughs and grabs his wrist to put his hand on the table again. He does the same thing twice and three times, and Tyler fights with himself not to burst into giggles.

"—And about the house again, it's dad's boss' house, but his family has already gone to Chicago and they suggested us to rent it this week."

His mother doesn't stop talking, and Josh doesn't let go of Tyler's hand, and he has to send Josh a serious look to tell him to _stop_ , but he doesn't care about it. 

"Please, think about it. Debby's going with us and we don't want you to spend your birthday alone while you can spend it with us," she tells him, and he wants to tell her, that if she didn't call, he wouldn't even realize that it's his birthday anytime soon, so he wouldn't even worry about it, and besides spending his birthday in Josh's house would sound more convincing to him than in some huge house with echoing walls.

Tyler tries to keep a straight and serious face and concentrate on listening, and even though Josh is distracting him, he's trying his best, but suddenly Josh grips his hand with both his hands and starts tickling Tyler's palm and forearm at once and Tyler almost yelps in surprise, _almost_. Years of practice have made him more careful.

Tyler has to hide his red face behind his arm so he faces the table, and he definitely is chuckling under his breath now, Josh along with him, and they are probably ten seconds away from being kicked out of this place. It's a miracle, that his mother doesn't suspect anything.

When she repeats herself and eventually says goodbyes, that she misses him and that she will see him tomorrow, Tyler can't be more grateful. He waits for her to hang up to slam his phone onto a table, and then pick it up again to send Josh a text message, writing violently;

_"ARE YOU HAVING FUN?"_

Josh's phone is laying on the table, so he can see the message immediately, but he still doesn't let go of Tyler's hand. At least he stopped with the tickles.

"Yes, a lot." Josh smiles. "You're so cute."

Tyler squeezes his hand when he says it, pretending he doesn't hear. He looks around the room to check if nobody's watching, and then makes sure that Josh is looking at him and mouths, acting angry, "You're dead, Joshua.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for such a filler chapter, but there always must be a bunch of fluff before big stuff happens, right? if it’s good or bad stuff—it’s for you to find out. :)
> 
> it’s funny how chapters i’m afraid that won’t reach 2k words actually turn out to be the longest.
> 
> i’m very excited to share more with you and share more stories i’m working on. i hope you will stay here till the end. :)
> 
> thank you for all the comments below every chapter, they keep me motivated like nothing else, so once again, a feedback is very very. very appreciated. thank you!
> 
> enjoy your day and a snow outside. ♥️


	23. affection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, lovely people. i know nobody missed me, but yes, i’m here. i’m sorry it took me such a long time to come back, but i was just so, so tired and so, so busy (well, i still am) to write anything, and you guys were so supportive and asking me if i was alright? :’) thank you, i’m trying to be. and only when i got time i wrote this chapter literally in one go, so if you can see any mistakes, yell at me of course.
> 
> to make up for everything, it’s the longest chapter i’ve ever written. i hope you enjoy this bittersweet goodness.

Tyler is waken up late afternoon on the day of his birthday by a voice coming from behind the door of his bedroom.

He doesn't open his eyes, but buries his face in a pillow to let them know that he isn't going to get up anytime soon. It's probably late, though. But his body didn't allow him to fall asleep last night.

But the person from earlier doesn't move, and he's aware that the door is open and he's being watched. Apparently he has to give up, once again.

There's a whisper. "Tyler."

It's Debby, fortunately, nobody he should be scared of at the moment. And in all honesty, the only person from his family who doesn't make him extremely terrified and uneasy. He used to be, when he first moved to this house, but it's faded away with time. She understands him more than he knows it.

"Your parents are waiting for you downstairs. Hurry up." She keeps her voice very quiet.

And then Tyler remembers. He remembers hanging out with Josh yesterday—it seems like ages ago, not yesterday. How much time did he spend last night thinking?—and the phone call from his mother, telling him she would make a visit the next day, the day of his birthday.

Crap. He didn't remember about his upcoming birthday yesterday, but now he's forgotten again, and he's definitely not prepared to face his family. He's already experienced the worst birthday of his life, thank you very much, so no matter how terrible this one turns out, it still will be okay. But on the other hand, it's his first birthday when he's not home. It's going to be very awkward. 

"Tyler, come on. If you want to stay in this house, get up in a second," Debby mutters under her breath. "I don't want them to think I let you do everything you want here. And we both know they are capable to take you away from here."

And with that she closes the door and walks away.

She's completely right. One mistake and Tyler would have to return his family home. Even though it was partially his parents' decision to move here—to isolate from a traumatic place and start a new life—but since he's actually moved to Debby's, it felt like they regretted letting Tyler go, and they still imply, that they want him back home. Unfortunately it's too late.

He's panicking. He's panicking so much, but he tries his best to get up and get dressed. It's just his family. He used to see them every day. They aren't any strangers, right?

He finds his family in the kitchen, chatting; his mother, father, and Debby talking to his brother and... his girlfriend. Zack told him about her once, but today he's finally got a chance to meet her.

But all of sudden it hits him. He finally realizes, that it's the day of his _birthday_ , but his life has only gone downhill. He used to have huge plans in the future, especially involving his 18th birthday. He knew who he was going to be once he's an adult. But it didn’t happen. None of it came true, even though it seemed to be certain before.

He remembers when his father's cousin went through a serious crisis while Tyler was twelve years old. His parents let him live in their house for a few weeks to clear his mind. Exactly, the main problem was his _midlife crisis_ , as Tyler's mother would say. She said that it usually happens when you're already at a halfway point of your life; You realize, that you haven't got a chance to do something you wanted to do for your whole life, and you haven't chased your highest ambitions. Really depressing.

Tyler isn't sure, if she knows, how depressing it is to already reach that point of your life when you're only 18.

Once everybody notices him, they chaotically say _"Happy birthday!"_ , and Tyler already wants to disappear underground.

They all are dressed as if they went to church. Well, maybe they did? He doesn't know. But otherwise, it's just a visit at Debby's; She, herself, doesn't mind opening the door for strangers in pj's, for example. You could visit her all soaked and wet the floor and she would yell at you for a few, but it still wouldn't be a big deal.

Tyler doesn't know what to do, where to move his eyes, when to take a breath. This is just his family, right? He can be himself.

"We don't have candles, but sure we have a cake," his mother speaks up, clearing a kitchen counter and moving to Tyler. "Happy birthday, son." Tyler can see how pained her expression is. It's still the same. That's another reason why he couldn't stand living in his old house anymore. He only brings pain to their bodies.

"With your baking skills you could've baked it yourself, you know."

Sure he would. He doesn't like eating everything, like most people, who put random things on a plate and just eat. That's why he likes baking for himself, connecting only the ingredients that are perfect together to him. But baking his own birthday cake doesn't seem like a good idea. It would only illustrate how pathetic his life actually is.

Before he sits at a table, his brother gives him a crushing hug, like the last time. Tyler also moves to hug gently his girlfriend not to come out rude. It's his _brother's_ girlfriend after all. He loves her, for sure, and it's visible even from how they are looking at each other. They can't eat properly without smiling and distracting each other at the table. Young love, Tyler thinks. He really wishes them the best. And he denies to admit, but it makes him sick, that he will never find a love like this. Any love in general.

At least he's still alive, right? He should be thankful. 

"—and you will be so amazed tomorrow. The house is huge, there are two balconies, three fireplaces!" His mother wakes him up from his daydreaming, so he doesn't know, what she said earlier, and if she's been talking to him for a long time. He just knows, that it's about the house they rented for tomorrow. Just for his birthday. He doesn't want to go there at all. 

He would appreciate it more if they treated him like they did when he was younger. He doesn't need them to put so much effort just to try to make him feel better, because it never makes him feel better. And he hates to let them know it.

"You could bring somebody with you as well. I'm sure you all would get along, with Zack and Tatum."

Oh, come on. Tyler wishes she could stop at this point. Maybe a company would make Tyler less awkward in eyes of his brother's girlfriend, but there's probably no use in trying. Sooner or later she will have to find out what's wrong with Tyler. And Tyler doesn't have anybody to invite for his birthday in a mansion with a view of mountains and three fireplaces. No, thanks.

"I heard you eat dinner every Sunday with some boy's family. What was his name, again?"

Tyler's face goes red.

"Brendon," Debby chimes in. She's looking at Tyler and he wants to know, why she kept Josh's topic to herself and apparently told his mother only about Brendon.

"Oh, yes. Maybe you could call him now, he'll be very welco—"

"Brendon?" It's the first time Tyler hears Tatum's voice clearly. She's rather shy, so it's the first time she speaks up at the family table today. " _That_ Brendon? Urie?"

Tyler doesn't know, how long he will be able to stay here without bursting out.

"I know him! He's—" She catches a glimpse of Tyler, who probably looks terrified, wide-eyed, and aware, that it might be the end of him. But her face suddenly softens under his gaze, and she continues, "He's really... good. He was my opponent during a literature competition. Everybody knows him, even in Cincinnati."

And with that she starts telling them how good of a speaker Brendon is, that he has got fourth place in the whole state and he threats everybody he's not going to give up until he gets higher.

Of course, Tyler knows about it; Brendon's passion towards literature and debate, but the way that girl describes him gives him a weird feeling. Brendon usually isn't known around young people from being a good student, but the very opposite. It's good to finally hear good and honest words about him from a stranger. Even Zack seems to be jealous, so he randomly comes up with opening gifts for Tyler. Good for him, but not good for Tyler, who really, _really_ doesn't want to get anything.

He doesn't like the disability of thanking them for everything, but also they can't give him what he wants the most.

Tyler tries to act casual and opens them all, one by one, revealing way too many clothes for his expectations and some books. But there's also one gift laying still on a table, which Tyler even thought wasn't for him, but his mother finally picks it up after he unwraps everything else.

He can feel every eye in this room on his face. He finally understands what it's all about, when he holds a very shiny and very new phone in his hands. He doesn't know how to react. It's too much.

"I figured out something might be wrong with your phone that you never answer your mom's calls," his father jokes behind him. "So you can keep a new phone if you answer when we call you once a week."

Of course. Obviously, there has to be a trap. Tyler was naive thinking that this day would be okay after all. 

And suddenly the whole birthday visit turns into a family intervention. Everybody tries to explain Tyler how his behaviour is hurting them, and all Tyler has to do is listen and fight with himself not to get up and leave this house.

He finds out in very small details how his silence affects the whole family. Maybe they even start telling the whole story from two years ago all over again and pointing out every mistake he has done. They are capable of it. But Tyler isn't listening. He's only looking at the end of Tatum's shoe, hypnotized, until he actually moves, puts his shoes and coat on, and leaves.

He doesn't have to think where to go, because his feet always lead him to one and only place. He texts Debby, that he's going to Josh's, only to make sure she wouldn't go and look for him, and because he knows she would come up with something to cover him from his parents.

It's snowing and it's very cold, so he shows up in Josh's garage with red face and trembling lips, but this time the garage is closed. It's probably because it's 4 in the afternoon, and even though the sun has already set, it's still practically a _day_ , and Josh's garage sessions always begin late at night.

Four knocks on the door and it finally opens, revealing Josh's surprised face after Tyler puts up a sweet smile from behind his coat covering almost an entirety of his face.

They both close space to hug each other, the awkwardness of being touchy around one another already forgotten, and Josh asks, "What are you doing here?"

"My parents are... torturing me on my birthday," Tyler murmurs into Josh's shoulder.

Josh raises his head to look down at Tyler and loosens his grip around Tyler's body. He still doesn’t exactly know anything about Tyler’s parents, and now that he mentions them he is confused why he even lives with his aunt. But he tries not to care. "Wait, birthday? When is your birthday?"

"Today."

Josh backs off to give out some sort of reaction, which is a look of confusion. "You're kidding me."

"No?" Tyler says casually.

"Why didn't you tell me? Jesus, Tyler..."

"It's just _birthday._ I hate celebrating them anyways." He shrugs.

"It doesn't matter," Josh says. "I still feel bad."

"Josh, no—"

"No, Tyler. You should've at least told me and I could come prepared. Like, who am I to you?" There's a hint of mockery in Josh's voice but Tyler knows he can't argue with him. He shouldn't have told Josh about it just because he doesn't want to make his birthday any big deal.

"Josh, can we stop?" Tyler tries, but Josh ignores him. "Joshy, come on—"

"Was at least the cake good? Did you have a cake?"

Tyler nods.

"Did you blow out every candle?"

Tyler smiles. "We didn't have candles."

"You didn't have candles?" Josh's childish tone makes Tyler burst out laughing. Does he know his birthday has been terrible so far that he tries his best to cheer him up? "What kind of shitty birthday is that without candles?"

"My birthday."

"Okay, I have an idea. Stay right here." Tyler doesn't get to ask him what it is about, when Josh lets go of Tyler and disappears in another room, leaving him standing confused in front of still opened front door.

He comes back after a few minutes only to put a jacket on and open the door again, leading Tyler to his car. No questions asked. But it's Josh. This human is full of surprises.

They arrive at a mall on the other side of the city half an hour later. Tyler has no idea where they are, it's something he's never seen, especially the big water place right behind with many kinds of small fountains that change colours of water every few seconds. Tyler realized, that he's lived here for about half a year, and he still isn't familiar to this city, he practically knows only directions to his school. 

He tries not to overreact when he feels Josh's hand on his back all the time, leading him exactly to the center of what is looking like long illuminated fountain lake with trees surrounded by water.

They sit down right in front of it, making sure they don't block the way for people who pass by.

"It's beautiful," Tyler says, looking at long arcs of water splitting into small streams randomly. He tries to keep his voice quiet and not let anybody else hear him. People from his school probably don't spend their free Saturdays in this side of the city, but he has to be careful, always.

"I know," Josh answers, fumbling in a pocket of his jacket and pulling out a small plastic bag full of 1 cent coins and opens it to Tyler.

Tyler chuckles. "Where do you have so many pennies from?"

"My grandfather would collect them and he kept telling me to spend them but I didn't want to, because it was such a big collection. He died last night, so..."

Tyler gulps. Suddenly he regrets everything he's said today, and ever. He was whining about his parents not letting him live to a person who doesn't have parents at all. Josh doesn't have anybody. He lives all by himself and has nobody who could give him love. And Tyler has the love _stuffed_ into him all the time, but he refuses to accept it.

Still, Josh never seems to mind it, never. He always shrugs it off and acts like it doesn't matter much, but Tyler is sure that it hurts him whenever he remembers it. But he still takes so much care of Tyler as if he was the one with the lack of it. He doesn't deserve Josh.

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry—I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have mentioned—"

"No, Ty, it's fine," Josh reassures. "I was prepared for this since they had taken him to hospital in summer."

Josh doesn't know, if he's told Tyler about his grandpa. He mentioned something when they talked about who he lives with, but he's sure Tyler knows nothing more. Maybe Brendon told him something.

After his mother died and after his father died, his grandparents and then only his grandfather was the only person left in his life. Even when his father was still there, he was practically raised by his grandpa, as his father wasn't mentally stable to take care even of himself.

He gave him this house, he let him buy this car, he taught him how to live without looking back. Josh thought, that if his grandfather died, he would burst into tears and have a huge breakdown, get drunk until he blacks out and get hysterical because he was the last one in his life and there would be nothing left.

However, when he heard a phone call from the hospital in the middle of the last night, he didn't break down. He didn't punch holes into the wall and didn't start a fight with every asshole from school like he used to. He just kept going like nothing happened, because now it's just so incredibly normal.

He wraps his arm around Tyler and immediately brings him closer. "You know, I asked him one day, when he was already in hospital—I asked him, if he was scared of death. Because I was curious. But then I realized I shouldn't ask such things a person who is... well... dying."

"What did he say?" Tyler asks, leaning his head into Josh's shoulder and staring at water.

"He laughed. Like for real, laughed. He said that he wasn't afraid at all and he would meet grandma again because he saw her in his dream just like he did before he met her. But yeah, he was on lots of medical drugs back then, probably they spoke for him."

"Why do you think so?" Tyler asks.

"He also told me about that dream and that he had seen his wife in it, but he hadn't even met her yet. He had had that dream like a year before he met her." He bows his head to see Tyler intently listening, staring at one point far away. "But he saw her sitting on door steps in some significant brown dress in that dream, and when they got together later, he saw that dress in her wardrobe. And she wore it the day he proposed to her. It was the only... like... festive dress she owned."

"Really?"

"Yeah," Josh laughs. "Told you, drugs spoke for him."

Tyler tries to prove his point. "Why? Things like these really do happen, Josh."

"No, they don't."

"Yeah, no, why are you so sure—"

Josh doesn't know what's got into Tyler that he suddenly is so argumentative, but he doesn't exactly want to let Tyler spend his birthday talking about death, and remembers what he came here for. He opens the bag of coins for Tyler again and tells him to take a handful. "One penny, one wish. On a cake you can only get one and only if you blow out all the candles, which is shitty, because... it's your birthday. You shouldn't have a limit of your wishes on that day. With coins you can think of as many as you want."

Tyler covers his face with his gloved hands, laughing, because he didn't know Josh would come out with something so sweet. "Really?"

"Yeah, come on."

"But wait, is this allowed? Tossing coins into a public fountain?" Tyler asks.

"Tyler, I've been here too many times to remember and they never arrested anybody for littering a fountain with coins. People do it all the time. Here," He suddenly takes Tyler's hand, left hand, putting it onto his own palm and pouring a few coins on Tyler's hand. Tyler knows he's doing it on purpose, and it makes his hand stutter even more than it should, but Josh waits for him and doesn't let go of his hand until Tyler's thinks of his wish and makes an attempt to toss a coin, which, surprisingly, lands far away.

Tyler feels like a child again, and the best thing is that he isn't judged for it, and other people don't care about them messing around the fountain.

"What was your wish?" he asks Josh, after he tosses a whole handful of pennies at once.

"I can't tell you!" Josh answers indignantly.

"But just one?" Tyler insists.

"No, Ty."

"Why not?"

"Because it won't come true. It's obvious, Tyler."

"Who said that?" Tyler asks. He only heard of this rule with birthday cakes and shooting stars. Nothing about fountains.

"My mom," Josh answers, and it shuts Tyler up. It's probably enough embarrassment for today. He decides to control himself whenever he feels a need to mention something from Josh's past.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?" Josh asks, unbothered.

Tyler shrugs. "I don't know. For asking."

"You mean, about my mom? It's nothing, don't worry. It's me who mentioned her." Josh smiles. "And it's good that you asked. Nobody ever asks me about that, because they think that if they mentioned somebody from my family, it would bring back memories and make me feel bad. But I think about all of them all the time. And if I don't, like, speak about something, it doesn't mean I don't think about it. Nobody just asks."

When Josh says it, he thinks about Tyler's case. He knows, that Tyler has so many things to say, and the more days he stays silent the more things crowd his head. He'd like to ask Tyler about his life again and again and again until he would tell him, but he knows he can't. Tyler literally pleaded him not to ask questions the first time he spoke that day.

Tyler nods slowly, trying to calm his nerves. "You often say something about your mom, but not your dad," he gets a courage to tell Josh, now that he doesn't seem to mind talking about it.

"Because I remember my dad better since he was with me longer. I remember him well. And my mom, I barely remember her, so I try to think about her more. Otherwise I might wake up one day and not remember anything about her, and I don't want it. Same thing with my sister. If I wouldn't recall my memories with her, I would forget about how annoying she was, and remember her only from pictures."

With that, Josh laughs. Just like that. And it’s a sincere laugh, without any hint of bitterness. Tyler wonders, if recalling his memories makes him more happy or sad.

“Your turn,” Josh says and grabs Tyler’s hand in his own again.

That’s when a couple of kids approach them and look at them curiously, probably thinking what in the universe those two grown humans are doing. But Josh immediately offers them some pennies, because he’s sure they are envious since they don’t have any.

Tyler can’t believe his eyes, and ears, when Josh starts talking with kids, saying that it would be nice if they helped them with tossing coins, because they wouldn’t be able to think about that many wishes.

When coins don’t seem to end, they throw handfuls of them at this point, giving them out to kids that pass by and want to join as well. They are wasting a lot of money from it, but they don’t really care right now. The moment brings them laughter and joy, and seeing the kids concentrate and squeeze their eyes shut just to make their wish come true, the dark of the night and snow, makes it even more enjoyable.

Josh and Tyler don’t care anymore about their wishes, because they’ve probably said every wish they could think of. They are just watching the children, completely carefree. 

The road is busy and more and more people come to the mall as it’s an evening, but they don’t really see them; Tyler is laughing and Josh is squeezing his side, drawing him closer and closer, until Tyler’s head rests on his cheek and he faces Josh, staring straight into his eyes, reading through his mind.

It feels that they inch even closer, knees accidentally bumping and arm tightening around Tyler’s back, and Tyler freezes, not because of the cold, snowy weather, but because he can feel like he’s lost all his senses and he can’t react in any way.

Josh’s furry hood on his head surrounding Tyler’s face covers all the view around him, so all he can see is Josh and his eyes reflecting the traffic lights, staring at him without even blinking, and probably following every move of _his_ eyes.

It seems like time stops and like they’ve been looking at each other like that for an hour, but it’s only been a few seconds, enough to make Tyler feel dizzy and unable to make any move under Josh’s gaze, until he grabs his own furry hood of his jacket and brings it closer to Tyler’s head in front of him. Tyler can’t clearly see even Josh now, not sure if it’s because their faces are covered from the outside world, or if they are just _too close._

Tyler wants to scream when he can feel a hand on his cheek, very cold, but sending him almost feverish waves through his body, caressing his cheek and a side of his neck at the same time.

He could never in his life imagine himself right here in this moment, feeling like he could melt into a puddle from how _warm_ he is and how fast his heart is beating. He thinks he can even hear it in his ears. That’s when he realizes his senses are immediately returning to where they should be in the first place, because Josh’s lips are suddenly on his own, burning his insides and tingling his body.

He can’t breathe, because everything is too much, it’s too much Josh, much more than he’s ever asked for, there are finally lips on his, hands on his skin and emotions spinning around, so much that Tyler isn’t able to handle it and if it wasn’t Josh’s arm holding him tightly in place, he would fall on the pavement, breathless.

Because this is what he is now. Completely breathless. The only thing keeping him alive and conscious now is Josh with his lips steadily moving against his own. He isn’t aware that they are in front of people, standing and kissing like there’s no tomorrow, cold noses tickling cold cheeks, and he doesn’t want to care, not at all. People passing by probably don’t know who even they are, because Josh tugs on his own hood even more, and their faces are available only for each other.

Tyler can’t believe that earlier this day he felt envious of his brother and his girlfriend and their mutual love, when now he’s being filled with so much love it makes his limbs weak. It’s hard to believe, but he doesn’t want it to stop. If Josh stops, he will want him to do it again and again and again, because he’s never felt that way in his entire life, never so special and free. It’s all he can think about at the moment.

It feels like an eternity when Josh finally pulls away to let them both breathe, and just at this moment he fully realizes what he did, that they kissed, and he liked it, so much; they both liked it, and that he’s never shared something so sweet. Josh doesn’t know if it’s something he imagined or if Tyler really tastes so sweet, because whenever their lips touched he craved them even more.

He wants to look at Tyler to ask him if he’s okay, if he didn’t scare him and if he maybe wants some space, but Tyler is clutching on his shoulders through his jacket so tightly that it might get torn off if it was made from a different material.

Josh, again, brushes their lips lightly together, and Tyler makes a breathy noise after Josh accidentally cranes his neck and deepens the kiss. In response the arm around his back grips a little tighter than before, pushing him even closer, which, he thought, was impossible, but he doesn’t complain. He feels like a different person, but he doesn’t complain.

After a few moments only Josh’s voice makes him realize, that they pulled away again, lips still close to his, and he’s finally _looking_ at him. Tyler can see his eyes, and he doesn’t know, if he made a right decision to look straight into them, because they make him flustered way too easily. He will probably need a good recovery after this.

“You still want to know what my wish was?” Josh asks way too casually. His voice sounds different to Tyler now.

He nods.

“Well... I wanted my mom to be here today. Really stupid wish, totally impossib—“

Tyler doesn’t allow Josh to end what he wanted to say, “It’s far from stupid that you wanted to see your mom again.”

“No, it’s not that,” Josh says. “It’s not so much that I wish to see her again.” Tyler furrows his eyebrows, really confused, because what was the point then? But when Josh speaks up again, Tyler’s world is swimming again and he wants to burst into tears. “I wish she could see _you_.”

Tyler’s drops his gaze somewhere below, where their chests touch, because it made him speechless, literally. He doesn’t know, if Josh is expecting any response and if he’s aware of how he made Tyler feel, but he’s still touching Tyler’s cheek the same way as before, motioning him to look up. And when Tyler does, Josh doesn’t want an answer. He speaks for him.

“Happy birthday, baby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year.


End file.
